I\’m 38, single mom, was married for 21 years, my ex husband cheated on me and eventually left us for a much younger woman. I reunited with someone I knew and grew up with over 25 years ago, we began talking as friends and decided we would go to a reunion together, it\’s 2 years later and we\’ve been inseperable since. One major issue…He is married. I don\’t remember how or when it happened, how I managed to accept this, expecially after going through what I went through…but I\’m here now, I can\’t even began to explain the attatchment I have…I don\’t know how to walk away or even if I can? He makes it difficult for me to leave him, what do I do? It\’s been 2 years and I\’m still listening to the same song and dance…soon we\’ll be together…soon this…soon that? How do I do it?
Her Plan: Leave my relationship
Advice For Others: wish i had some….
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Is your partner is cheating on you and you don't know what to do? Tell us your story and ask for our reader's advice.
I applaud your desire to do what is right and leave him. If he is cheating on his wife he is the absolute worst possible pick for you; he will cheat on you someday if you stay with him. That’s just the utilitarian reason for leaving. The better reason is that what you are doing is extremely wrong. Think about his wife for a moment. Can you imagine how terrible it must feel to have an unfaithful & lying husband? They can restore their relationship but you must leave him first, and, in order for that to happen, she needs to find out what is going on so everyone can deal with the problem honestly. You were not meant to be with this man, I know this. He was meant to be with his wife. Help him by telling his wife the truth and then leaving him for good. Go to a different country if need be, do what ever it takes, but leave him! I will be praying for you and all involved. God bless you as you do what is right.
You know in your heart he can’t be trusted and will cheat on you too. At the moment he is lying to his wife, and lying to you and using you.
That thing about “inseparable”… my main issue would be that when he’s with his wife, we are indeed separated. Not a good life to live. He has it all (or so he thinks) and you have nothing at all. If he’d feel the same, he’d be with you and only you, don’t you think?
Be strong and voice your opinion to him, if he truly loves you then he will stay with you. Keep in mind that if he has no problem cheating on his wife, he may do the same to you.
You can certainly voice your opinion to him, but really it is not words you are looking for it is action. If he can lie to his wife he can lie to you to. You are very brave to be facing up to this. I think you should ask yourself if you could live comfortably with yourself if he left his wife for you, and one other serious question, would you ever be able to trust him?
That’s something important to remember, yes… it has to be the action because just “saying the right words” really won’t mean too much if it’s just a script.
And trust? That is sooooo very vital.
I just realized here that another thing you need to consider is that he could be trying to recreate something that was gone 25 years ago. We can’t go back “home”… after two and a half decades, so many things are different.
Yes, you were just young teens, but if there were feelings, it’s just the same as if you’d been an “older” couple back then, I think.
That is an interesting point, I can’t help wondering if he is searching for his lost youth.
Some time has passed since the original post. Please update us on how you are doing and what your decision was.
Well, one thing is for sure. You can’t be upset with your ex-husband anymore, right? You understand what he did and have no problem with it, right?
I think you know what you need to do. You were there. I don’t think you really need us to tell you what the right thing to do is.
You just need to follow through.
I think you are very brave to be open with us about what you have done. I have never been in your situation but I have a close friend who has. In her case I think it happened at a vulnerable time in her life when her self esteem was at an all time low. She knows that she has sold herself short and she carries a lot of guilt. She also knows that this man has cheated on one woman and there is every chance that he will cheat on her too. Like you she knows all this in her head, now she is struggling to find the strength to end it and start to rebuild her self esteem. I wish you the very best in dealing with the very difficult decisions you have to face.
I was here. Almost exactly [my ex husband did not cheat]. But the attachment to this other man is your key to getting out of this in one piece and with some sanity and dignity.
Force yourself to think on this:
Katharina is right. You aren’t truly inseparable. He may love his time with you, you may really connect but the reality is this: He will go home to her every night. They will eat dinner [happily or unhappily] they will sleep together and YES have sex [happily or unhappily. Whether you or he are willing to say it openly, he has already made his choice and it isn’t you. Happily or unhappily, he is where he is and until HE makes the choice to make a change it won’t happen and so long as you are in the wings to be “inseparable” when it works for him, he won’t make a change. You need to acknowledge you aren’t the first choice, and it’s likely you never will be. Do you want to be someone’s second? I PROMISE YOU, as someone who just went through this, the initial separation is hell, you go through crazy withdrawal but the more you invest yourself in friends and family; people who are healthy and have YOUR best interests at heart, the more you will come to realize and accept that you deserve better. That you love yourself more than you love him and that – sister – is a beautiful thing.
He has the best of everything, wife and homemaker, and you for a little bit of extra on the side… and that is all you ever will be.
Time to ditch him for good.. he is lying about you being together soon.
You have to be stong and walk away. Sadly to say he will never leave his wife. I too am in a relation ship like yours it’s been 5 years and after sometime you will be very heart broken and hurt and that will make it harder to walk away. The only reason he is with you is because he has all the fantasies he can not have at home and believe me that when he gose home it’s her he share’s all his thoughts and problums good or bad trust me you do not want to end up like me. Empty handed and depressed.
It’s hard to imagine a women who was cheated on and went through that agony would then turn around and trespass on another woman’s life. You need to gather up some self respect – and some empathy – and get out of that “relationship”. He’s married. He has a wife. You do not belong in her marriage.