POSTED BY JENNIFER – A READER CONTRIBUTED STORY
I have a question more than anything else. I am a 35 year old woman and my partner insists on using this book as a reference point. He walked out on me in January and after 2 months of him not living here I decided to date another man. I had physical relations with the new man. My boyfriend and I got back together but he insists this is cheating as we were still talking. I would like the definition for relationship as I think we were on a break and he says it is still cheating.
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What are you doing putting up with such a controling man? You were not married, he walked out on you, then after two months you began a new relationship, that seems perfectly reasonsable. This man wants to have his cake and eat it. It sounds to me as if you made a mistake in getting back with him.
dump him. he has no right to react this way. he’s the one who left… now if he wants you back he has to take the fact that you were single on that time and lived ur life. but he seems as a contriling guy. ask yourself if you want to be with such a person.
good luck & take care
You don’t conduct a relationship according to a set of rules in a book. It is all about trust and communication not about being controling and making one person feel constantly criticised.
errrrr.. he walked out on you, and then has the nerve to call you a cheat after leaving you alone? What’s this book called? Doormats Unlimited?
I thought the same way justontime did. Cheating and affairs are a double-edged sword.
Well said Stav! Imagine finding yourself tied to someone like that for life. If she stays with this man he will just keep being critical and putting her down until she has no self worth left.
It sounds like he initiated the breakup from your brief description, and that you’d both be single at some point. But I’m afraid this could be a sore spot in the relationship for a long time. I think in the end a definition of cheating doesn’t really matter unless both people agree on it.
Fundamentally, I’d agree that it’s not about definitions. Yes, it is about trust first and foremost: and if he walked out on you, then that’s the main issue. Can you ever trust him not to do it again, or has *he* broken the trust? The sex is almost beside the point here, compared with the far bigger issue of abandonment.
If you have to worry about definitions, then part of the definition of cheating has to do with hiding and secrecy. So did you hide this other relationship? Did you pretend to him that it wasn’t there, and that you were all his? If no, then it’s not cheating. Case closed.
It might be *something else* besides cheating … I don’t know what … but I think the first thing to get clear on is whether he is willing to be *faithful* in the sense of “devoted” or “dedicated” — I mean, not walking out again. Only when you are absolutely sure that *he* won’t commit any more “infidelities” by walking away — only *then* should you even be willing to discuss your relations with this other man.
If he can’t promise to be faithful (and I’m not talking about sex) then he has no business nagging you about it.
just out of interest.. he wasn’t having an affair with someone else was he? why did he leave you in the first place?
Yes, I consider it cheating. Your in a break to find yourselfs to eventually go back into a relationship knowing yourself better and what you want from that person. it’s a break but not a break up. until you have both agreed to break up, you shouldnt see another person.
Note: Also, talking to them isn’t bad but, maybe he’s upset that you met him in the fist place? Without verbal conformation of a break up?
I would say that what you did is definitely NOT cheating. If you boyfriend can’t handle that, maybe you should NOT get back together with him?
Stav is right; he left you, and then he decides to come back AND make the rules after the fact? This guy sounds like an immature, insecure jerk. Tell him to shove off.
This is one of the few occasions where I disagree with Imaginary Diva. Her partner walked out on he, they hadn’t agreed they were on a break, he walked out. Two months passed before she got involved with the new man. If someone walks out on you, that is not a mutual decision to be on a break, it is rejection. She had every right to do what she did. This man is a selfish control freak, I think she I starting to see that he is not a suitable life partner.
I’m in agreement with everyone who says to dump this guy. I think this poor girl is in the habit of being a doormat, and this jerk is taking extreme advantage of her. Who says he makes the rules???!
I’d prefer hearing more details about how much conversation may or may not have been going on in the period mentioned, and if it was an effort to fix things in the relationship, or just casual talk.
Surprised that the Diva considers being abandoned for no apparent reason for two months and then making a new start on life is considered cheating when the one who walked out decides to waltz right back in again, expecting to take up where he left off? With no acknowledgement that he may have made some errors?
Stav I have to agree with you on this. I don’t think I could tolerate a partner who wanted to work by a book or rules. It sounds very controling to me.
Isn’t anyone else interested in hearing what they were talking about?
If there was an agreement to “take a break” from the relationship, but their conversations seemed to be working toward a reconciliation, that may be different, I’d say.
But without details, I find it hard to make a call… Just my two cents.
Taggart that is an interesting point. I am not a believer in taking a break, but leaving that aside, from the few lines of information I don’t see it the way you do. It suggests to me that he is attempting to make up the rules retrospectively. Perhaps he wants to shift the blame, perhaps he is controling, perhaps he is a poor communicator, who knows. I guess the important thing is that if they can’t leave this whole mess firmly in the past they don’t really have a future.
Hey deltic, I wouldn’t be inclined to take a break from a relationships I believed in either. I’ve been part of loud arguments, but I seriously try to resolve them before going to sleep, for example. I don’t know how people can give each other the silent treatment, or not express themselves if they want to be together.
In my experience, there are not a lot of books I would suggest using as a “manual” for a relationship.
I get what you mean Taggart, but in this instance we as always only have one side of the story, and have to base any contribution on what we are told.
I don’t get the impression from what I read, that there was some sort of agreement to take a break, (she says ‘he walked out on me’)and I take ‘talking’ to mean only that there was still some communication between them, maybe, is there any mail for me? I got a bill for your car repairs today etc..
I would really love to know which book this man was using as a reference work though?
I read it the same way Stav, it would be interesting to know which book he was using. I wonder if the book said it was OK for him to ‘just walk out’ or is he being a bit selective about the rules.
It will have been The Victorian Gentlemen’s Guide to the Perfect Marriage, published 1874.
Hey stav, I agree that the “break” really wasn’t implied and I don’t disagree with your points.
Maybe I thought that was a possibility because they did get back together.
Stav your last comment made me laugh! Taggart I can see that your view of what was going on is as likely as any of the other posibilities.
In general I think that after a break up it is wise to give yourself time to recover before thinking about dating again. Even if you think you are fine you are likely to be vulnerable after a break up.
agree there Deltic, a new partner onthe rebound is usually a recipe for disaster…
Unfortunately you see it happen too often. Sometimes people think they are fine when in reality they are vulnerable and they end up getting hurt. Others just want to prove something to themselves or perhaps to the ex and they get taken advantage of.
Yes, people can be very vulnerable in the “rebound” period. I see that happening with a nephew of mine right now.
I think a challenging thing about it is the person on the rebound thinking “But what if I happen to meet the right person now, and don’t act on it”?
Then if you take it slow, make sure you’ve worked through your feelings about the breakup with the ex, there is always a chance. The ‘one’ will wait for you. In this case, it wasn’t even clear that it was a final break, so whoever she took up with, it was probably doomed anyway.
I have been in that position and you honestly don’t realise how vulnerable you are, but you are likely to make some rash decisions and you may regret it later.
When you’ve just come out of a relationship badly, you are susceptible to a charming new person. All your usual caution can go outthe window, in your need to prove to yourself that you are perfectly esirable and that your relationshuip did not fail because there is something wrong with you. Powerful stuff, and there are those that have an instinct for the vulnerable and prey on them.
Quite right stav, but at the time many of those thoughts are unconscious. You just keep telling yourself that you are over it and you are fine, but deep down you are vulnerable, and as you said some dodgy people pick up on that.