So, basically, my husband has gone from the most wonderful man ever, to an emotionless, disrespectful person who lives in the same house- all in a matter of months.
There are no notable \”late nights\” @ work or suspicious phone calls. His behavior towards me is the main reason I\’m concerned.
For as long as I\’ve known him, he\’s always -ALWAYS- wanted to have sex w/me. He has always shown me respect & acknowledged my feelings. Now, for the last 3 months, sex has been scarce, he doesn\’t touch me, hasn\’t kissed me in weeks, and has been so ornery & extremely disrespectful & hurtful w/zero emotion.
We\’ve had various \”discussions\” regarding his sudden change in behavior where my complaints are referred to as \”the same old sh*t\”. I\’m told that he feels like if I don\’t like how he responds or does something then it MUST be wrong & he\’ll never win. He makes no emotional effort in reassuring me that \”nothing has changed\” as to how he feels about me & ultimately he maintains that he loves me no less; that he still looks @ me the way he used to; & that he guesses he\’ll have to try harder to show me. -but nothing ever does actually change.
So, this last time during one of our \”discussions\” I asked if he was using drugs. \”No\”. Gambling? \”No\”. Sleeping w/someone? \”Don\’t do this, Sara\”. Then what is it?? **Instead of pointing out how his response was different when asked if he was cheating, I just waited.
SOME BACKGROUND:
About 8 years ago, he got mixed up in gambling & accrued huge debt. His parents agreed to co-sign the & school loan w/his gambling debt w/the agreement he\’d of course, make the payments to them. Well, his mother now is sick w/stage 4 cancer & he\’s been unable to pay back what he said he could every month.
So here we are now. He\’s crying & NOW telling me its not my fault… I ask \”what isn\’t my fault?\”. He explains how much he misses his mother & feels terrible that we aren\’t able to repay what he said he would & that lately there are times he resents me bc he thinks he might be able to pay them if I wasn\’t w/him.
I personally don\’t believe that, since he has used this \”debt to parents\” as an excuse a different time (unrelated).
So? What do I do?
Her Plan: Confront my partner
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Something is clearly wrong but I wouldn’t necessarily assume that he is cheating. Is he ill, depressed, under pressure at work, in debt or gambling? I don’t know but if it was my husband I would set about finding out.
I agree with Just on Time.It doesn’t mean he’s cheating, maybe something might be going on at work. There’s so many factors.He may still need to move past his mothers death and he REALLY has to move past placing blame on you,but one thing at time. Would he be open to counseling? Sit down and write out some options on how to handle this,bring it to his attention because some kind of action needs to take place. Good luck and keep us posted.
I think what your post mentions may be enough unfortunate things to cause him to act this way toward you. So I agree with the people above.
I think it’s also unfortunate that he suggests he could pay it back without you, and I imagine that may be something he may come to regret saying.
I’m in agreement as well.
But, that’s a place to start. Look him in the eye and ask him if he’s cheating. Don’t accept obfuscation. If you believe him then ask, “Then what is wrong?” in the same vein. Tell him he needs to explain things to you (and go back to the way he used to treat you)or you will have to do some heavy thinking about your relationship.
To me, it’s very suspicious that he didn’t just say “no” when you asked him if he’s cheating. I think that cheating could well be the problem, but it also “creeps” me out that he said that he resents you because he feels like maybe he could pay these debts if you weren’t around. I hate to sound melodramatic, but maybe you should make sure that he hasn’t taken out a HUGE life insurance policy on your life!
Chris and Molly make good points,if he doesn’t start communicating with you about this then I would tell him you can’t spend the rest of your marriage playing “guess whats wrong” after all there really can’t be uch of any kind of connection with anyone without communication,if you do decide to stay for any length of time and this continues I may think about doing a little investigating,THEN you would have YOUR answer and it may help you just hit the road or like Chris said check some things out like your credit or the insurance police thing. I really don’t think that does sound dramatic when one is acting so bizarre and is so secretive what else are you suppose to think and do.
I am not convinced he is cheating, but he is in trouble in some way and you need to find out. Can you get a credit report? that should show up any serious debt issues. I think what he said about resenting you may be him just trying to pass the blame to you to make himself feel better about letting his own parents down. If he can’t give you some straight answers I think you need to alert other family members about your concerns.
I think if you choose to investigate him and he finds out, that could lead to more resentment. It’s a complicated situation and I think you have to be comfortable with the decisions you make to try to resolve it. It probably will be difficult.
And I agree that it is suspicious that he didn’t answer no when asked about cheating.
Rereading the post, I am beginning to wonder if it is the wife that has done something wrong, or the husband thinks she has done something wrong, if he went from the best husband ever to being disrespectful and talking about the “same old shit”. There definitely has to be several very long talks between these two.
That is an interesting thought Molly, certainly something significant has happened to change his attitude towards her.
Eden, he could be going through a depressive stage and blaming himself because he has not been able to pay back the debt to his parents. His mother is dying and men are usually close to their mothers. When people are depressed, their sex drive diminishes too so I’d wait it out and be there for him in a positive way. Don’t be so quick to jump to conclusions here because like justontime, I’m not convinced that he’s cheating or has cheated. Just be there and support him through this rough time with his mother, that is the best thing you can do for him right now as his wife. It sounds like he is hurting for his mother’s sake not a bimbo. Love him and support him right now, you will come out smelling like more than a dozen of roses.
I think T makes a good point. People canreact very oddly when dealing with the death of a close family member. If he feels he has let his mother down in the past it may be bothering him that he doesn’t have the means to put it right.
Justonetime, you are absolutely correct. So I wish this woman the best and hopes that she can pull from this and be there to support him unless there is something that can substantiate her thoughts and feelings of being cheated on. So reader, if you are reading this please be patient with him, be there for him, support him, and he will open up to you but give him the time to work through his own hurt for his mother…he only has one.
A sad story, and you must try to understand that it is very difficult for a lot of men to deal with emotions. It sounds like he has said some things he doesn’t mean, which you must try to forgive him for.
He has an overwhelming sense of guilt that he has let his mother down, and because you are closest to him, you are bearing the brunt of it.
I think Stav is right that many of us struggle to express emotions especially in relation to death. I would be supportive of him up to a point, but if he has said things that he regrets he has to say so and apologise. It isn’t OK to treat his wife like that and move on without even addressing it.
I think the biggest single challenge at the moment is true communication.
I’m sure it can be very difficult to discuss some things with anyone, including a spouse.
It can be very tough to know what’s playing on some people’s minds.
You men mostly find expressing your feelings really difficult.. Being brought up to believe that ‘feelings’ are those things girls have and that a real man just gets on with it.
Stav you are right about that, but the biggest challenge that this couple have is at the moment is to communicate honestly. I think she needs to keep an open mind, there is something wrong but it is not really clear what the problem is.
He may be under a lot pressure at work and is unable to articulate how he feels about that or is going through a certain life change that doesn’t pertain to you. Weed out the possibilities. It’s not always necessarily about cheating, it just may be about how he’s feeling about himself as a man.