my husband and i have been having turst issue for years . lst mnth we almost divorced. yesterday i had a sneaky suspiosion about an old girlfriend and decided to investigate. Come to find out the old girlfriend told me by way of email that they have been in contact for a month. i decided to confront him , and he lied saying that she contacted him and that they are just friends. come to find out , when we were having martial problems , he contacted her to talk about me. i told him that it was cheating , hesays that is is not, that they are just friends. in my book , if you are married and you contact an old girlfriend it is cheating . he says its not , who is right.? i have not be able to truyst him for five years , since i founf porn on the computer and he lied baout that , and was sneaky. this just brings the a whole differnet trust issue to light . how can i turst a man that runs to an ex- girlfriend , when him adn his wife is figthing. we have been together! 18 years . i am staying in the marriage for my kids , but emtionlally i am drained , and hurt that he would have the balls to contact and old girlfriend , when he is married . am i being too jealous ?? thanks to responds . sue walkervacaville @earthlink.net
Sue’s Plan: Confront my partner,Work it out,Leave my relationship
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If this doesn’t take the cake…a woman who has been cheated on having a relationship with the woman her husband cheated with! Well, I guess that’s better than a knife fight! It just seems to me that this guy has played these two women awfully well…!
If these ladies are already on speaking terms, maybe they should think up something to get back at this guy who’s treated them both like chumps.
From what’s mentioned above, I think the most disturbing points are the lying on the man’s part. I’m sure there are some relationships where simple correspondence wouldn’t be a problem, but I suspect this isn’t one of them.
I think if they separate, they should try to just turn the page.
It seems to me the writer and her husband need to be talking to each other honestly instead of involving others and moaning about each other. Perhaps some counselling could help, but I am not sure that he actually wants to deal with all this.
I don’t know that I would call this cheating, but I definitely would call it a betrayal. I would be furious if my husband did that to me. Not to mention all your other trust issues. My advice? DUMP HIM.
I agree with chris1203 – There is a feeling of betrayal to the story. I think it’s hard to tell if the relationship may be salvageable from the rather brief description above, but I wouldn’t write it off yet, especially because of the kids and 18 years of being together.
Yes, there is a big element of betrayal for both women. I would say they’d have to have trust issues big time.
I don’t think I’d put in the same level of trust a man cheating on me and a man having porn on his computer. Some guys like porn, and it doesn’t mean the same to them as it does to women.
I think it is possible that this lady is being too jealous, but it is clear that the trust issues are deep rooted. The porn on the computer (depending on the type of porn) may have been fairly innocent. The same may be true of contacting the old girlfriend. The problem is that both these things were hidden. There is no honesty and openness in the relationship. The porn issue should have been addressed and put behind them long ago. If it is still being held over him now, it is hardly surprising that he is turning to other people. Also the motives of the ex girlfriend shuld be questioned, is she telling the truth or is she trying to break them up?
It sounds as if some counselling would be very helpful to this couple.
I agree that porn involving consenting adults is probably not a problem for most people. Some couples share an interest in erotica.
Even if she’s being too jealous, I think it’s best that she brought up these points, as the first step in dealing with them.
Try to get some counseling with this turd,if his behavior doesn’t improve and he continues to disrespect you get together with his ex and super glue his nuts to his pecker!
I think it’s unlikely that he’ll agree to counseling, but there’s no harm in trying. Otherwise it’s probably not necessary to say that Tara’s advice shouldn’t be taken literally.
well this woman is being upfront with you about it from the start… i don’t personally think it’s wrong for a man to go to a woamn he knows well for advice… sounds to me like you have other issues…
i’d try trusting him, until you got REAL reasons to distrust him… t
stav, you are right on with the trust issues but I agree with you that she should wait for more definitive reasons not to trust him. Heretoday makes a great point though…lol.
I still think this couple need to be talking to each other. I dont think trust can be achieved without communication and without trust it will not be a strong relationship.
Stav, I am not sure we can assume the other woman is being upfront with her. The trust issues are deep rooted and they go back years according to the writer. That needs to be addressed and it probably requires some counselling.
Counselling always seems to be the offered solution. Personally I think that sometimes you just have to buckle down and work at your marriage. This woman is the one with the issues unless she has proof that her husband is cheating on her. He is wrong to lie about talking to this other woman, if indeed he did, but considering her reactions, it is not surprising.
I am not sure we can say that the writer is the one with the issues. The long standing problem with trust must have had some basis. He is very foolish to talk to the other woman and then lie about it, that is not the way to build trust. I am a great believer in instinct, if she has suspicions, she should take notice of her feelings. I have my doubts about the other woman’s motivation, I think she is trying to cause trouble and that leads me to wonder why!
It seems to me that communication has broken down in this marriage and there are also trust issues. This couple need to communicate with each other, but if they are going to address these issues they may need someone independent to help them to communicate honestly with each other.
interesting the number of different opinions on the one subject. I guess that is what these places are for, to lay out all the different versions, not to establish that one is ‘right’ over another.
I think it will always be that way Stav. We only have limited and one sided information and of course our advice will be coloured by our own experiences.
And hopefully the person who submitted the scenario benefits from the different points of view. I’d be interested in hearing how sue has since dealt with her problem.