My girlfriend and I have been going out for 9 years. During the last two months, she s been acting strange. I travel for work and I feel as though she wants me to leave. We don t have sex much anymore, maybe 1 or twice a week, if I m lucky. She s always tired and I m always the one initiating. I didn t have a reason to not trust her until now.
They day started with her complaining about a huge bruise on her leg. Then decides to wear a skirt to work, something she almost never does. I told her, Just wear pants if you don t want anyone complaining about that bruise. She jokes, It will make a good cock block. That wasn t very funny to me. Later that day I call her at our usual time about 15 mins before we both leave work to ensure she meets me at the train station on time. She picks up and is giggling with some guy in the back ground. Hey, I m busy can I call you back. Reluctantly, I said, Ok. In the car I ask her, So what were you laughing about? Oh nothing. And changes the subject, Man, this bruise is big. I am burning inside now.
A few days later at dinner I look into her eyes and I ask again, So what were you laughing about that afternoon I called you? She looks away and says, I forgot. I am pissed.
About a week later, we were hanging out in NYC near her work. For some reason we had to go to her office to get something. When we got in there were old flowers on her desk, not from me. At this point I lose it and storm out.
Is she cheating on me? Weather she is or not I don’t trust her. That is bothering me more than anything.
His Plan: Confront my partner,Work it out,Leave my relationship
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You’ve been going together for nine years, and she’s still your girlfriend and not your wife? I think she may be tired of waiting around for you and is perhaps checking out what else might be out there. If you really love her, buy her a ring for god’s sake. What are you waiting for?
If I was her I would have given up on you by now, it seems to be all about you and your reactions are childish. Women buy flowers too for all sorts of reasons, why shouldn’t someone else buy her flowers. People laugh on the phone for all sorts of reasons yet they wouldn’t be able to explain what was funny a few minutes later. You are totally posessive and controling you don’t even trust her to meet you on time without phoning her. You have had nine years and you havent made any commitment to her. I think she has realised that she wants a more equal relationship.
Yes, I think that you are confused about a lot more than your girlfriend’s actions. Maybe a visit to a counselor is in order for you.
You’re at a crossroads, I think. Act, or lose your girlfriend. Unless you have another girl on the line (which I highly doubt), you’d better act fast or find yourself alone.
I’m not sure why we’d conclude that the man was the reason they weren’t married, from what I’m seeing above.
I think her behavior seems suspicious, but inconclusive. I think he should try to get her to talk about it, without losing it as he says.
Confused for months, I really must say that nine years to be going out with someone is such a long time to not be married.
I know that sometimes people make a big deal about that “little piece of paper” that legally binds two hearts together, but it could most certainly be that she’s decided to want more than what is being offered on the table.
If she’s turned to someone else, then you have to talk to her about what she needs. Maybe you both don’t want the same thing in a relationship …..
I know people who’ve been together longer than nine years but aren’t married, who seem happy but I think both of their expectations and desires are compatible with that. I also know of people who are married in unhappy situations.
I agree with Imaginary Diva’s point above… Maybe they don’t want the same thing.
Taggart I know people like that too, it works for some. However priorities change and many people who were previously content not to marry want more commitment as they mature, especially if they want children.
apart from a bit of giggling at work have you any other reason to distrust your grlfriend? with no commitment from you, this girl is still with you, so it seems to me she cares an awful lot about you…
after all if you are just a ‘boyfriend’ that she is bored with.. all she has to do is ditch you…
Taggart, I have friends who have been and lives together and not married after 20 years of “just living together.” As you have said, their expectations and desires are very much compatible or I do not think they would be together as long as they are. Good points from both you, stav, and justontime.
People will change over decades, and hopefully couples will evolve individually in compatible ways.
I’d be curious to know what the age was of the person posting this story. I think in general this kind of thing may be more volatile at younger ages.
I think you are probably right about the age thing Taggart.
Also, after 9 years, a woman can change a lot more than a man, in terms of outlook, needs, attitude to some things.
Perhaps after all this time she’s decided to push the issue and see where her man stands.
The bit about not trusting her ‘whether she is cheating or not’ seems to me to be a big issue.
I agree with your point stav, about “whether she is cheating or not.”
If there’s a positive point about it, I guess it’s that the poster of the scenario also seems bothered by it.
I think your point about age is important Taggart. As you read the post the writer sounds very young but if he has been with his girlfriend for 9 years he can’t be all that young. I agree with Stav’s comment about “wether she is cheating or not” it makes hin seem very controling.
The age is an interesting point.
They could have started seeing each other as adolescents around 13 and be 22 now, which is quite young even though they’ve had 9 years “together.” That could still be a relatively sheltered experience for them as they change into young adults, which is only the next step.
My neighbour’s lad was 22 and was going out with a 16 yr old.. all the usual stuff about marriage etc.. they got engaged.. My neighbour was miffed at me because I said it will never happen.
It didn’t. By the time the girl was 18 and starting University, she was a completely different person, mature and knowing her own mind, and they clashed on everything. He was expecting to take charge of everything the same way as when she was just a sheltered 16 yr old.
Reading the article again, he was miffed when he phoned her at work because she was laughing with a colleague. Later when she picked him up he asked what she was laughing about, I am not surprised she couldn’t remember it was probably totally trivial. Making a big deal of it days later is stupid, it really isn’t important. He sounds a bit paranoid.
Good point. I often laugh with collegues during the course of the day, it’s that kind of office environment.
I’d be hard put to tell you what we were laughing about half an hour later..
Exactly Stav, even if I tried to remember what I laughed at it may not make much sense to someone who wasn’t there at the time.
I don’t think the idea that she may be cheating is really the issue at all. I think it is just a trust issue, and the stuff he mentions here is just the fuel that has been added to his suspicious nature…
I think you are right Stav, but also he sounds very controling and he is moaning about things that sound fairly normal.
thats all about his lack of trust in the woman he has been with for 9 years. As far as i can tell she’s not given him real reason to suspect her. Actually, he says ‘going out with’ rather than partner.. so I assume they don’t even live together.
Just from reading it I got the impression that they were living together now but had been ‘going out with’ each other for 9 years. It doesn’t really matter. I think I would find his behaviour suffocating if he was my partner.