If this sounds like you, then pay close attention to what I’m about to tell you. Before you can even think about saving your marriage, you need to lay the groundwork. These 5 points will help you do just that.
1. Be 100% that getting back together is the right thing to do. Check your motives. Is it him you really want…or do you just desperately want to be married? If you’re more afraid of being alone than in love with your ex, that’s not a good reason to reunite. Make a list of reasons you want him in your life, and let a close friend read them.
2. Get real with yourself. Be honest about what you did to bring this relationship to its current situation. Take responsibility for things you’ve said and done and be willing to admit them. And be honest about whether you’re willing to forgive him for his mistakes, and let them go.
3. Put a lid on the emotional stuff. By all means, let it out…but when you’re alone, or with supportive friends. If you see him or contact him, you need to stay controlled. Friendly, of course, but controlled. If you can’t talk to him without breaking down, then it’s better not to talk to him at all until you’re feeling more stable.
4. Come back to life. The most important thing you must do, for yourself and for the relationship, is keep living your life. Do your hair, wear clothes that make you feel good, go places with your friends. If you have to force it, then force it. It’ll make you feel better, and it’ll prove to your ex that you can be mature about the breakup…and that you have a life of your own, with him or without him. Because you know what? You do!
While this will help you feel better, it also ups the odds of getting back together. Why? Because when you’re not constantly calling him and you’re off doing your own thing, he gets the chance to miss you. Know how you wonder what he’s been doing? Same thing here. If he wants you back too, then he’ll make the first move and get in touch.
5. When he contacts you, keep it friendly but brief (you’re busy, remember?) No emotional stuff. If he wants to get together, great! Look fantastic, and be friendly and open but aloof. Other than maybe a hug when you leave, don’t get all touchy with each other. Let him make the move to get back together…don’t initiate anything with him at this point. Let him start wanting you again.
If you take care of yourself first, you can start saving your marriage from a position of strength and openness. And that makes the whole process much, much easier!
About the Author – Carrie Bradford
You may be asking “But once I get my ex husband back, can we recapture the romance we had when our marriage was new?” Yes, you can…IF you know the powerful Pattern Breaking technique. Find out what it is, how to use it and more at http://SecondChanceAtLove.info
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These five tips are spot on. What I think is hardest for many is to realize that they do have a life beyond the marriage. You shouldn’t return to a spouse because you need to be married. It should be because being married to ‘this’ person enhances your life.
I think that is some of the most practical, level headed advice about emotional issues I’ve ever seen. I’d love to show it to my nephew and have him apply it to his situation – I think much of it could apply to his relationship.
I think this is excellent advice, and if getting back together is not going to happen, this advice will will have put you on course to to move on with your life.
Strange one this, and some good advice.
It seems to me that there must have been major issues to separate you from your husband in the first place, and those issues would still apply should you decide to ‘have another go’ at a relationship.
Make it clear that the reasons you split, have to be addressed first.
Stav, I think you misunderstood the beginning of this post. It was written by a matchmaker and it’s focused on her clients, not herself or her marital situation, whatever it may be. Advice is definitely still sound, though.
This is good advice, as far as it goes. I would think that the #1 thing to do, in my opinion: Leave off playing the games that injured your marriage in the first place. Anyone that could take the DRASTIC step of separating from their spouse and then decide, “Well, no, I want to be with him” is either completely mental or at least has too much time on their hands and/or not enough to occupy their mind.
I think there might be a double meaning in the title? Is it “I want to get my husband back”, as in “I want to get back together with my husband”, OR “I want revenge on my husband”? I’m not quite sure.
I think that this is very good advice, most of which takes quite a bit of soul searching, but it is well worth it.
On second thoughts, I think perhaps a few counseling sessions with someone empathetic could help make a decision that is the healthier of the two: Go back to him or stay away?
Also, I think that examining your motives is a very good idea. For a lot of people, “getting back” your ex is more of an ego boost than anything else.
lol Thanks Orrymain, I did realise that, though reading my post it could be mis read.. instead of ‘you’ I should have said ’someone.
It was just my advice on how to think about whether getting back together with an Ex is really a good idea..
I still think your advice was sound Stav, there must have been a reason for the break up and that would need to be addressed before even contemplating getting back together.
Regarding counseling sessions, I think for those to work, both partners would need to have an amount of faith in the counselor.
I think sometimes one partner is going as a way of trying to make and effort, but they may not believe in the counselor’s abilities.
Yes, there has to be a level of trust in the counselor, but a desire to make the relationship work is essential. The counselor can’t work miracles his/her role is to enable the couple to communicate and to encourage them to listen to each other and to address the issues that have caused problems.
The partner that is draggad to the counselling, ‘to give it a chance’ is beaten before they get there. If they don’t think the counselling will help, then it won’t.
I know people who’ve gone to counseling as individuals, but I don’t think I know a couple that’s done it.
I think it would have the best effect as a mutual decision, and that in itself would probably be a step in the right direction for a troubled couple.
indeed.. and it seems to me that if the couple are able to communicate enough to agree to do this in the first place, then ther is a good chance it will work!
Stav I agree with your last two points, a person should not be forced or bullied into counseling it has to be done willingly.
I wonder if couples counselors often connect with clients through referrals?
Maybe if a troubled couple had a couple of mutual friends who’d experienced a good counselor, it would be easier to take that step.
As with everything Taggart, word of mouth is the best way to find the right person/service. Knowning someone who has used whoever it is, will give that little bit more confidence that it might be worthwhile
Don’t you have anything like Relate in USA? They offer advice, relationship counselling and much more, they would be the first point of contact for many people in UK.
When I was referring to counselors, I was thinking of them in the private sector rather than free government provided help.
I’m not sure exactly what’s available like that in the USA.
I believe the Relate service in UK is a registered charity, I think there may be a charge for counselling but I don’t know what it is. I am nor sure that there is any government provided marriage counselling in UK.
In Canada, I’m not sure if there is specific government provided marriage counseling, but I think it could at least be touched on by some of the social services offered, especially in cases where there was the possibility of abuse.
Relate are independant.
They charge a nominal fee for some services but are a charity and rely mostly on a governemnt grant, and on public donations and fundraising.
I tend to hear more about government dealing with problems of couples that are split up that require restraining orders, than I do about preventative measures like couples counseling, at least here in Canada.
Taggart that is a good point. If people were encouraged to think more deeply before marriage and to work to resolve problems that arise. We would have to spend a lot less on administering child maintenance and policing restraining orders.