Married 18 years. 3 beautiful children, beautiful wife, home, etc… Found out 4 weeks ago through my wife’s own admission that she was having an affair for approximately 5 months. Our initial discussions were angry, some were heart felt and rationalized, most were just trying to understand where the other was coming from and understand. My wife stated she had to get away and think. Went OOT for a few days, and came back stating that she broke it off with the other man, and wanted to work on getting our marriage back in order. First thing I found to disprove her was a separate phone she was using to text, and call him. The next 2 weeks were full of short outburst, and arguments because I found myself questioning everything she did. I didn’t see that she was trying at all, when I was putting in 100% effort, trying to do what she stated she needed from me. I had to go OOT on business this past week. When I got back I found a note on the bed that stated ” I do still love you”! but, because of what I have done I feel so out of place. I need more time. She went to her mothers to stay, and took 2 of my youngest children with her. She asked that I come up and have dinner with her the next night. She stated she wanted to come back on Monday with a clear head and give it a try. She promised my two young children the same thing, looking them directly in the eyes. I also found out she took half the money out of our checking, and she also took a lot of things from the house. Not just her clothes, but the Wustoff Knife Set, clock, Bose stereo, etc….. This is Thursday. Friday rolls around and she ask me if I mind that she drives to Dallas to have dinner with her friend. Considering there is no right answer to this from my point of view, or hers. I said of course. I hired a PI to set up on the guy she had been seeing. Sure enough, he caught them, and she was moving in with him. She hasn’t been back. Moved in with him, and her only communication with our children is through texting. She has lied to not only me, but our children so much, now they have literally asked me to please never take her back into our lives. Now that the cat is out of the bag, things our coming out of the wood work on other things she’s done over the course of our marriage. I have filed for divorce, to be honest there is a part of me that thinks I can pull us back together. I know that sounds ludicrous. She is living with another guy while still being married, has abandoned her own children, and told countless lies. She has asked that I give her time. She is 38, and seemingly going through a mid-life crisis. Any guidance, or thought would be helpful
Brett’s Plan: Work it out
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I guess it doesn’t help but I am really sorry about your situation. Clearly she is in self distruct mode because she is making decisions that she may live to regret. I don’t know what advice I can give you, you can’t reason with someone who lies to you. I hope all your children are now with you, I think you focus should now be on protecting them and rebuilding some sort of stability for them.
It’s natural to actually want to get her back and get things back to normal, but normal will take a very long time to achieve because so many trust issues have been broken. I know it’s hard, but my advice is to move forward, for you and the children.
I agree with justontime. I’m afraid the wise advice would be to move on, as hard as that may seem at the moment.
I don’t see making a life with someone who lies like that, unfortunately.
I agree with Justontime too. This is hard and painful. They say time heals all wounds but I like to say Time wounds all heels. Hopefully something to make you laugh.Some day you will see it was a blessing in disguise,like JOT says focus on the protecting the kids and rebuilding a solid foundation.
Taggart, now those are points that many should take away from these discussions…”I don’t see making a life with someone who lies like that.” If she would like like that and put the kids in the middle then what else would she do? He is not man about himself either for allowing her to put the kids in the middle of whatever was going on and sad for her not to protect them from that. I can’t say that she is even thinking about protecting her own children if she allowed this other man to be around them while she did this. The kids are caught in the middle and being sacrificed for her own selfish reasons. Sorry for them.
T
A mid life crisis at 38? I don’t think so.. Sadly she has been deceitful, not just to you, but to her own children.
Who is to say, if she came back, that she wouldn’t do the same thing again?
I know this is going to be terribly difficult, but please try to keep the children out of this. She is still their mother and hopefully one day when she has come to her senses she will want to mend her relationship with them. Please don’t let people talk badly about her in front of them, they don’t need the hurtful details, they just need all the love and security you can give them.
You need a plan.
If you’re going to try to work it out then here’s what you should do: write down what will be happening in the relationship once things are ‘all worked out’. Be specific.
Example: She isn’t sending text messages to another male.
and so on.
Also put a time limit on this. ie within 1 month she will have moved back in, within 2 months we will have started marriage counseling, and so on . add more. And TODAY while you are in ‘lets work it out mode’ , write a deadline for how long your going to work on this plan. 3 months, 6 months. Pick a date and time. Make it real. This way you’ll know when the plan has ended. Once you reach this date and time read over your goals and see which once you have and haven’t met. If you haven’t met all your goals and/or she’s still sleeping/living with someone else then you have to have the courage to move on. I know its tough. Been there. Done that. With Kids and a House and a dog.
HOWEVER, you mentioned that you already filed for divorce.
So it sounds like your head is moving in one (good) direction and your heart is moving in another (hopeful) direction. This is fine. Sometimes it’s got to be this way. Your head is looking out for your heart right now.
The note in bed about “I do still love you” could be true. But it doesn’t sound like she’s still *IN* love.
justontime is right.. no matter what you think, you must not pass on any of your hurt and bitterness to the kids. THey will come to their own conclusions eventually, but you must continue to present a loving front to them all through the upheaval with your wife. You must try to resist the temptation to give them your point of view and turn them against her.
It will be better for you and for them in the long run.
Maybe you might consider conselling with your wife, as maybe if you can forgive her in the long run there might be a relationship worth salvaging. If there were no kids, fine, maybe let her go. You not only have to think of your feeling but your kids too.
Maybe you might consider conselling with your wife, as maybe if you can forgive her in the long run there might be a relationship worth salvaging. If there were no kids, fine, maybe let her go. You not only have to think of your feeling but your kids too. I have had conselling in my relationship, and it helped tremendously.
I am going thru the same my wife and I have been married 11 years in Dec. 2 great little girls and suddenly she is telling me that she never loved me or wanted kids. I finally caught up with who she has been spending time with on the phone and net. I called the SOB too in Texas. She leaves Friday for time away too. I agree with the time to move on, but it is such a shock that you cant move on. She turned 40 this August and has been talking to this guy since June.
I recommend you get yourself a good lawyer, so you know your rights and can see about protecting the marital/personal assets. Then, get your kids a good counselor; they’ll need help understanding what’s going on and that it’s not their fault. Finally, if you feel the need, get yourself a good counselor as well.
My father used to judge divorce cases, and he told me that the worst tragedy of divorce is when the parents drag their kids into it. I would follow the advice above, do not do that to your kids.
i know what it is like to be cheated on. my guy of four years did it to me. we live in holland mi, he jumps more beds then a bed bug. his name is frank trejo
thi sfrank trjo of holland mi he owns iron sharpens iron handy man services llc and drives a mountianeer.he has chaeted on every one has has ever been with including his own wife. he s ly er and user and preys on women
and hes an illegal
My opinion is that, in this marriage, the trust has been irrevocably broken, and you can never get it back. Sadly, I suggest that you leave her to her own devices and move on.
Though I usually think hiring a PI is a waste of money, I would in this case. He should get proof of her actions, as I’m assuming you’ll want to try to get custody of your minor children. This woman is no mother.
I’m really sorry that you have to go through this. I don’t understand why some people seem to need to be unfaithful and lie about it.
Focus on your children and yourself. Don’t waste time, effort or money on her. Fate will catch up with her in the end.