18 Responses

• justontime on August 2nd, 2009 at 11:31 pm

  It wasn’t easy to understand exactly what is worrying you, but I get the idea that you feel the other man wants more than a work relationship. I think you just have to tell your girlfriend that it upsets you and ask her to please not see him outside work. It may well be that they are just friends, so don’t accuse her of anything.

• kernow on August 2nd, 2009 at 11:34 pm

  You may just have to trust her, but you should talk to her about not letting this man phone her when she is not at work.

• deltic on August 2nd, 2009 at 11:49 pm

  It is hard to know if you have anything to worry about, I think Kernow is right, you may have to trust her.

• Taggart on August 3rd, 2009 at 6:27 am

  I agree it’s hard to get a good read on the situation from the description above. Hopefully she would avoid this kind of contact with the other man, knowing it’s a cause of concern to you.

  On the other hand, it may actually be innocent. I guess the good thing is that you’re aware of the contact at this point and will be watching closely.

• deltic on August 4th, 2009 at 2:27 am

  She may resent you if you start trying to tell her who she can or can’t see.

• kernow on August 4th, 2009 at 2:57 am

  That is a good point deltic, I think perhaps it would be better if he explains that it makes him feel insecure rather than suggesting that she is doing anything wrong.

• Taggart on August 4th, 2009 at 7:12 am

  Yes, that’s probably a point where in a good relationship the people consider the other’s point of view and hopefully there’s some give and take to resolve the issue. Unfortunately, not all relationships can get past that point though.

• kernow on August 5th, 2009 at 7:29 am

  I just think that if he admits that if he admits that it makes him feel uneasy it will nit upset her as much as any suggestion that he doesn’t trust her.

• Taggart on August 7th, 2009 at 4:28 am

  And I think ideally that conversation would take place early in the experience, before any relationship has a chance to really get off the ground.

  I guess this sort of thing is probably more common than we may know.

• kernow on August 7th, 2009 at 5:17 pm

  Yes, it is important to be honest about feelings, but finding the right words to express it can make a big difference to the way the information is received.

• Taggart on August 15th, 2009 at 5:02 am

  Good point kernow – And I think it may take us a while to get to know someone well enough to approach difficult conversations in the way that will be best received.

  So I think that makes this situation even more challenging if it takes place early in a relationship, when a couple is still getting to know each other.

• Orrymain on October 22nd, 2009 at 12:45 pm

  If you can’t trust her, then the relationship is doomed to failure. So, either you decide to trust her, or cut the ties and find someone else whom you can trust.

• stav on October 24th, 2009 at 11:25 am

  Does she come home to you every night? Does she tell you she loves you? Perhaps it is just your insecurity in your relationship, that is making you distrustful. You say you have been having an ‘afair’ for 5 years. Maybe after all this time you should be ready to make more commitment?

• Taggart on October 26th, 2009 at 6:04 am

  Well, I’d say if the answer to the above two question is “yes” it’s a good sign but not necessarily the ultimate test to determine if someone’s involved elsewhere.

  Kets, I also wonder about your use of the term “affair” to describe your relationship?

• justontime on October 26th, 2009 at 12:11 pm

  I think this is a case where honest and open communication is vital. It may be that her work has caused a lack of communication and a resentment, however it is a big step to assume she is cheating. Please talk honestly together .

• mollyL on November 4th, 2009 at 10:36 pm

  Some people might say, “I don’t see a ring on her finger.” If it is, as you say, you are having an affair with her, then she is a free woman to do as she will.
  If it is so important to you that she not mess about with any other men, and you find that you really love her, marry her. Then you have some kind of say in the matter.

• stav on November 5th, 2009 at 11:07 am

  yup.. What Molly said. You describe your relationship as an ‘affair’ rather than a relationship.. which indicates something temporary.. If that’s how you’ve been treating her, perhaps she is considering finding something more permanent?

• mollyL on November 10th, 2009 at 2:46 pm

  Very good point, stav. Perhaps he needs to communicate his true feelings to his “affair” lady. Maybe she just isn’t aware of exactly how he feels.