POSTED BY JEFF – A READER CONTRIBUTED STORY
My wife and I are separated because of our lack of trust between each other. I drove to the town where she is now living to see. It was 8:00 in the morning and I now wife is not an early riser. Anyway, I saw her ex’s car there but did not get an answer at the door.I confronted her about it and she said she was borrowing his car and neither one of them were there. Would you believe this?
His Plan: Work it out
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Go with your gut feeling…and think he worst case scenario….and that is probably the true version of what happened! And now you ‘know’ what happened.
Jeff sent an additional comment to his article:
Why is it so hard for a woman to admit she has had an affair?
Only you know what your instinct is telling you, so only you will know if you should believe her or not. As for admitting an affair, I think men and women would both find it difficult to be honest about cheating.
If you are fairly sure that her ex as there and engaged in inappropriate activity, you should go with your gut instead of expecting her to admit to an act that will leave her at a disadvantage.
It is basic survival instinct that leads people to hide their activities when they feel that confession would end their current status.
Having read this again, if you are separated what right do you have to spy on her and check up on what she is doing? Could your lack of trust be the problem here?
Justontime’s question is right-on. If you are separated, it’s none of your business what she does.
Do you mistrust your wife because she has betrayed you in the past? Do you not trust your wife because of something a past girlfriend did to you, or because you saw infidelity in your family as a boy? If you answered “yes” to the last two questions, you have issues that a counselor can help you work out, before you cross the line into being a stalker.
U probably have trust issues because she’s cheating on u. She borrows a car but doesn’t use it? Right. You two are already broken up, get on w/ your life without her.
I suppose the story could be true, but if it were, then why didn’t she give you more of an explanation?
On the other hand, lack of trust has ruined more than one otherwise good relationship.
But Taggart this wasn’t an otherwise good relationship, they were already separated! If I was her I wouldn’t explain anything to him however innocent I was because it is not his business. He openly admits that he was stalking/checking up on her. If I was her I would be busy gathering evidence of his unreasonable and controlling behaviour and get a good divorce lawyer.
That’s a point justontime, but on the other hand the poster does refer to it as a “relationship” so maybe it was a trial separation without the agreement of seeing other people?
I think we could use more details if we were to get into deeper discussion.
If they are separated because of lack of trust in their relationship, him stalking her isn’t going to help the issues of trust is it?
I think he is being foolish in following her and watching her house. It will just make her angry and make a divorce much more likely.
In my book, a separation is a separation and it being a “trial” doesn’t prevent one of the parties from exploring other experiences.
Of course, I don’t believe in trial separations. You are together, or you aren’t.
I think some people may have definitions of “trial” separations that they both agree to go along with.
I don’t really feel strongly about them either way, but I think they may serve as an example of what life would be like if they weren’t with the other person. I think the main thing is that both people are aware of the expectations of the other.
I completely agree with Sage Mother on this. No good ever came out of a trial separation, the whole idea is nonsense.
I am with Sage Mother on this one as well, if they are separated, she should be free to do as she likes and she certainly shouldn’t be stalked by him.
I say that it certainly looks suspicious, but I agree with justontime…if you too are separated, what right do you have to go and spy on her?
Assuming that he hopes to get back with his wife, I really don’t think watching her house and questioning her movements is the right way to go.
His actions suggest he has big issues around control, at least that is how it will look to his wife.
A good point Deltic, you are right, that is how it will seem to his wife and it may well give her more ‘ammunition’ if she wants a divorce.
Yes, the point about “confronting” her seems to suggest control is an issue, although as it’s been pointed out before, sometimes these posts may be kind of brief to really tell the story, if an alternate word was used to describe something.
go with your gut…if you love her trust what she say in try
Trust is a very difficult thing, and once it’s lost, it’s very hard to get it back. You’re separated, and that means she has certain freedoms, regardless. It sounds like the separation needs to continue.
sounds like a lie.
Doesn’t matter where the car came from, she had to get it some how and why would a ex be so trusting of her to take the car? unless they are very good friends, it;s unlikely that any ex would offer their ex a car.
Would your ex lend you their car to drive around?
Trust isn’t just a word, it’s a very important, essential THING…if you don’t have it you know it. Don’t trust someone because you want to…do it because you can trust them.
And I think heretoday brings us back to the point that they were separated because of lack of trust, but we don’t seem to have details of how the situation became that way.
I am with Orrymain on this one, they had separated because of trust issues. He had no right to spy on her. It sounds as if separating was the right decision.
When you get right down to it, without trust, there is no real relationship of any kind, and especially not a romantic one. You can’t lose what you never had.
I agree with Sagemother about the nonsense of “trial separations.” I think such trials allow one or both of the parties to be able to hedge on making a firm commitment, and that’s not good for either of the parties.
The trust issues are obviously Jeff’s issues, and his wife has left him, moved to another town and he is still checking up on her.
Seems to me that if she makes the effort to switch cities to get away from you, then she pretty much thinks it’s over.
Leave her alone, get on with your own life.
I think Stav is right, sorry if that sounds blunt but I think it is time to move on. You may think you have a right to check up on her, but you don’t own her, as Stav says you are no longer part of her life.