Most of think that affairs begin when some dashing young man or slinky, beautiful woman enters our spouse’s life. We conjure up images of seduction, intrigue, and mystery; we think the other person could have any partner he or she wants, but has targeted your spouse.
In reality, it’s rarely – if ever – how it works. The “other person” is far more likely to be an old friend, a co-worker, or a friend-of a friend than a dashing Cassanova.
And most of the time, things don’t start out with the intention of igniting an affair. Quite the contrary, an affair usually starts innocently – a water cooler conversation, a lunch break, a walk down to the corner Starbucks for coffee. No big deal – friends, even those of the opposite sex, do all of those things every day without ending up in an affair.
So why do these friendships sometimes evolve into affairs?
This is not going to be pleasant to hear… but most affairs start because one spouse feels that he or she is not having a need met by the other spouse. This doesn’t necessarily mean a sexual need (although this can certainly be the case) – more often, it’s a more emotional need. Your spouse may feel like her opinions are not being valued, or that he is not being listened to. Another person fills that need, however innocently, and that sows the seed for misplaced affection.
You may be saying to yourself, “I listen to my husband”, or “I value my wife’s opinion”. I don’t doubt that in your eyes, this is true. There is an old saying that in marriage, there are three sides to every story – his side, her side, and the truth. Your spouse may not be entirely accurate in what he or she feels… but the important thing here is that it is what he or she feels. The truth doesn’t really matter that much. Not right now, anyway.
So the feeling (perception) becomes reality for your spouse… and he or she harbors resentment that eventually leads to being open to an affair.
Now, you might think I’m saying that the affair is all your fault. That’s not the case at all. See, because you likely think you are meeting your spouse’s needs, there is another facet to the problem. Your spouse, although his or her need was not being met, failed to adequately communicate this need. Your spouse probably didn’t want to hurt your feelings, or wanted to believe it was no big deal, or didn’t want to “rock the boat”… but the end result was that you didn’t have the full opportunity to learn to meet that need.
Both you and your spouse had a hand in the circumstances that led to the affair – I’ve never seen a relationship where both partners weren’t partially to blame. And at the core of the problem is the failure of both partners to be blatantly honest with one another.
What would have happened if your spouse had been honest with you about the aspect of your marriage that wasn’t fulfilling? Would you have ignored it? Probably not. On the flip side, do you always make an honest effort to find and correct issues that can lead to marriage problems (including infidelity)? Doubtful. Few of us are that relationship-savvy.
So why is all of this important to successfully coping with infidelity? In short, it’s because if you want to have any hope of surviving infidelity, you are going to have to change the “honesty” dynamic in your marriage. You are going to have to demonstrate that change is possible, particularly if your spouse has given up on your relationship.
Showing that change is possible, and that you are willing to learn to meet your spouse’s needs, makes the strength and importance of the affair simply fade away. If you can fulfill your spouse’s needs, why would he or she need the “other person” any longer?
The “honesty” dynamic will also need to change because you’re going to build a relationship that is stronger and more fulfilling than ever before. It’s not enough to just put things back the way they were… to get back your unfaithful wife or cheating husband, you’re going to need to show that the two of you can reach a new level of happiness. And transparency and honesty are the keys to that happiness.
About The Author –
For more tips and strategies to help you with surviving infidelity and putting your marriage back together, please check out http://coping-with-infidelity.blogspot.com.
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in love with husband. Dying of guilt from extramarital affair because I broke his heart but only AFTER I thought he would NEVER love me (bc he said that to me and did many humiliating, hurtful and disrespectful things to me before and during our marriage). Over the course of 13 years I developed what I thought was a TRUE, PURE, GENUINE FRIENDSHIP. After 10 years we slept together. It was not planned. Our relationship ahas gone down hill since then AND my husband found out. It KILLS me to see that I hurt him and broke his heart, especially bc I NEVER knew he loved me. There were quite a few times in the course of our marriage that he never even came home. He even missed our sons 7th birthday party. My ex lover/friend has “disappeared” and BROKE my heart bc he means so much to me (as a friend). My heart is broken bc he knows me VERY well- as well as my husband, and even knowing some of the difficult things I’ve been through and how difficult it is for me to trust ANYONE, even my best friends and parents, he still used me sexually. I tried desperately to validate the sex bc I didn’t want to believe that he could/would ever USE me or hurt me, only to be kicked to the curb. I would have given anything to hit rewind and go back to a time before we slept together bc our FRIENDSHIP ALWAYS meant more to me. My husband is an INCREDIBLE man but we have had to work through some very difficult times and some of those times he turned to alcohol instead of me. In the end, we have grown together and make an amazing team. We have known each other since we were 12. I have always loved him and believed in him. I’ve stood by his side and supported him emotionally and financially at the beginning (1st 10 yrs) of our relationship and I’ve HAPPILY watched him grow from a smart mouth, freeloading, punk, to a kind hearted, loving, dedicated fater, friend, son, brother and NOW even a PERFECT husband. I have tried to let go of my ex but it kills me inside to let go of someone whom I thought was a genuine, fun, compassionate, loving friend. We had amazing chemistry and I THOUGHT a special understanding of one another. I was falling in love with him and since I HONESTLY believed my husband was not happy or wanting to be “tied down” to me (we got pregnant in college and had 2 babies by 23, I worried I might lose him AND my now ex. I have been DYING inside over this in AGONIZING pain for years, along with many other hurtful, heartbreaking experiances going back to childhood. Now I feel sick with apprehension bc I think my ex is actually my husbands cousin and that they both KNOWINGLY, set me up, used me and broke my heart. Side note- Once I thought my ex and I were developing Genuine feelings for each other I got scared and pulled back for a little bc I HAVE ALWAYS wanted my HUSBAND to be my Knight in shinning armor, my best friend and PROTECTOR however he did NOT seem interested in that roll and I GENUINELY started to love my ex and didn’t want to lose him if my husband didn’t want me. Now I am feeling completely DESTROYED that I PROBABLY NEVER MATTERED to either of the 2 men I have loved and trusted more than anyone. I still love my ex DEEPLY (as a friend) and I am still IN love more than ever with my husband but SO BROKEN by BOTH of them.
That was a very sensible and down to earth look at the reasons an affair starts. I don’t think it is the whole picture, I think opportunity and circumstance play a part and I really do think that some people stumble into an affair because they haven’t thought carefully about what their banter and flirting is leading to.
There are as many reasons for infidelity as there are people, I think. I also think that “there are three sides to every story” is a good way to put it. Communication breakdown, in whatever form, is the first thing that happens. We must all try to keep that very important factor forefront in our spousal relations.
You are right heretoday, communication is very important and we should all make a big effort to maintain good communication.
I agree that there are many reasons that people cheat, just based on cases I’ve know in my social circle. Some people of both sexes seem predisposed to it for some reason, while others seem against it morally but may fall to the temptation fueled by other complex factors over time. I think it’s very helpful to hear about cases like the one that x shared with us above. I hope that she resolves her situation as well as she can.
A thoughtful observation Taggart, I tend to agree with you, about the various reasons and routes to cheating.
I agree with you too Taggart, the routes into an affair are varied and often complex.
I think it’s a very interesting subject although it’s often painful for a lot of people. I also find it amazing how some people either consciously or subconsciously set themselves up to get caught.