POSTED BY JOANNE – A READER CONTRIBUTED STORY
Hello, My husband of 24 years last year started screwing another woman and later abandoned his family and is gone for over 7 monthe and is incommunicado…I have an opportunity to make time and drop in and face the cad..and his new girlfriend independently..to do face to face and spak about the impact of their actions…should I?
Her Plan: Confront my partner
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I feel that yes you should…like a house or car is a big investment in regular people’s lives so is marriage. the demise of it by adultery where the spouse is having sex outside of the sanctity of marriage is the BIGGEST investment in people who once decided to get married and loved and still mey love each other. The affair spouse is not clear on that point …ergo the reason for the adulterous affair. Why let it be swept away …? It is not a normal behaviour of marriages and especially marriages deemed good and loving and normal where the family is stunned by the affair in the first place. No evidence of abuse or alchohol /drug issues and a great relationship …until spouse has a freak-out mode and away goes into an affair! If it were my child who exhibited such irrational and bizarre extreme behaviour ….I too would address it. It is a crisis and one does not turn their back on family (except wacko spouses in affairs do) and therefore facing reality and seeing the picture of who and what is caused damage by doing an affair. It is not unlike the vICTIM STATEMENTS OF CRIMES IN COURT UPON SENTENCING…IN cANADA YOU MAY FACE THE CRIMIANL AND LET THEM SEE AND KNOW AND TELL THEM A PIECE OF YOUR MIND. iT PERSONALIZES IT THEM. tHEY SHOULD FACE AND FEEL WHAT THEIR ERRONEOUS ACTIONS HAVE CREATED . tHE AFFAIR IS NOT DONE IN ISOLATION …IT AFFECTS ALL FAMILY AND CHILDREN PARTICULARLY ARE INNOCENT AND SO WHY SHOULD AFFAIR COUPLE THINK THEY ARE IN PRIVATE RELATIONSHIP AND NOT AFFECTED OF DESTROYING LIVES OF WELL ADJUSTED CHILDREN IN FAMILY WITH A PARENT WHO WENT OVER THE LINE AND NOW WHAT PRIVACY DO THE KIDS HAVE WHEN ASKED …”hOW IS dAD/mAMA? They lie? They tell the truth and have to go home to a house where Dad /Mama are gone with affair partner! They should not have to be secretive if others see Dad/mam fooling around /kissing/walking together and know it is with ‘other person’ what do their friends say and think? It just is a quagmire if let to continue. So if it is a reality but a yucky one for the kids and the parent left at home (not affairing) handling all the overflow of roiling emotions why should they not meet face to face with affair couple and baldly state their feelings emotions to eject from the cauldron at the right targets and right time? After all they are asked to endure and witness and accept bizareness in the first palce as if it made sense. It does not. The title is AFFAIR> Not anything else and by definition it is out of boundaries of family. If this 3rd person is now in the family by invitation of ‘wacko spouse’ then by all means get a load of family ‘feelings’ ready or not, here they come. Which is what happens when family comes home to be ‘at home” I know what it means as My husband has been hiding from us for a year being sneaky and lying and becoming a snivelling man who speaks with ‘forked tongue’ as we all realize at different times he just was cranky and irritable at us for being family and we were in his way…and he has turned into a man we do not recognize…My husband has lied and cheated us of our father and husband and the other woman asked him to let her do it…and he gave her permission to wreck our family, in essence. Now we can provide her with a pictorial view of family Wrecked and Dad too! He has no IDEA what his kids have gone through since he has been affairing and fffffuuuuuuttttttt! taken off for almost a yaer, no contact…. they are young adults….it is NOT EASIER!!!!! They comprehend and know what their Dad is physically and spiritually doing outside of marriage ….all OPPOSITE what we took our children to Sunday school to learn! Dad is now example of immoral disgusting and disrespectful behaviour… a standard to hold and measure by to NOT become like him. Sad but true at age 52 ….with OLD girlfriend he knew 39years ago for a few months… Do the Math…makes sense to anyone? Anyone explain to his lovely and loving family of 24years? We scratch our heads…the shame is not ours…we miss loving our Dad and Husband since we always had and never knew how NOT to love and want our Dad and Husband at home… He travelled extensively and we always created excitement at his return home…where is THAT man? Other Woman is only source for our answer, you think?
Yes You should and with both. They are the reason your life has been altered and perhaps even turned upside down with ramifications that have serious life altering implications. If this were not a slimy situation but a business deal there would be many discussions to the whole thing …alas treat it as it would be and it will become a money issue as divorce will be around the corner and all that is is selttlelment of money and child (if)and so your love is then reduced to value…The addressing of value will be trememndously helped when you deal with it a nauseous but necessary business act. It will add some point of closure as I win and you lose…husband as in Jay Leno’s words will eventually see that his stupidity is a business cost….a cost of all he ever worked for he is now to lose 50% of all that he once considered his…
No, leave well alone. It is pointless, he knows what he has done, it will not serve any useful purpose except to upset you even more. You need to focus on your own life now. If there are child support matters to deal with, there is a route for addressing that. His behaviour is beyond contempt, don’t waste any more time or emotional effort on him.
IF you decide to do this, be sure to serve him with divorce papers at the same time.
He may wish to retaliate if you humiliate him in front of the other woman. If you already have divorce papers drawn he will have to work twice as hard to leave you at a disadvantage.
That is a very good point SageMother, Halia must be hurting very badly, but she needs to keep a clear head and look after her long term interests.
Joanne,
If you can drop in for a face to face conversation with her at her job, that would be great. Take the divorce papers to her and have deliver them to him, that would be great!
You may want to air your grievances to them, but then, they feel they have grievances as well. I think you’ll be opening up very old wounds that need to heal as soon as possible, so you can take up your new life. Grieving is stopping you from moving forward, and you’ll never be happy if you don’t.
Joanne, I think T has given you very bad advice, please stop and think sensibly about this. What good will it do? If you turn up at her work and cause a row you could end up being arrested. Also if you are going through a divorce doing something like this could count against you. Please try to move on, leave the fighting for the divorce court.
Justontime,
Showing up at her job and serving papers, with a silent glare on her face, shouldn’t result in a row. In fact, I’d think the other woman wouldn’t make a sound while she hoped that no one in the office discovered what the papers were about.
Whatever you do, make sure it is a quiet act of retribution. It leaves the offender wondering who knows, instead of providing them an excuse to feel victimized.
I think if you absolutely require a confrontation for your closure, you should do it but I’d suggest that the sooner you can put this behind you, the better.
I’m sure that it could take a while to process and deal with the pain from this situation.
I just have to share this….
An old friend of mine found out her husband was cheating and, after this last 18 months of agonizing, has decided to divorce him.
She sent one of those “singing telegrams” where a clown shows up with balloons, to the mistress, at her office. Since the “soon to be ex” works there too, the balloons and the papers were delivered at the same time with both parties standing in the middles of a room full of coworkers as the clown recited something akin to Vogon poetry, then handed the balloons and the balloons to the mistress and the papers to the cheater.
Stylish, controlled, succinct and memorable.
I see I’m a little late on this one. Leave the fighting for the divorce court is right,move on and heal you’re so much better.
I find myself wondering what happened as well. Venting is often a good thing and that’s about the only point of this kind of confrontation. However, in the end, it really doesn’t accomplish much.
I think that you should confront them if you’re the type that needs to get these feelings off your chest to be able to move on. Exprssing your feelings to the both of them could be very healing. But don’t be surprised if your emoional outpouring doesn’t bring you the release that you had hoped it would.
I wonder what happened in this case? I hope she didn’t confront him and the new woman in the way she planned. I think it would have lowered her to their level. Anything she had to say should be said in the divorce court. I hope she is starting to heal now.
personally i think a little confrontation is good for the soul.. and will give the cheated wife some closure. She can call hubby a rat and the other woaman a home wrecker and flounce off dignity intact.
I don’t see it like that Stav. She would be taking them on two against one on their territory. She would shout and scream and leave feeling upset and cheapened having given him grounds to claim she is harrasing him and leaving him scope to question her judgement and capability when they get to court to argue about the children. It gives him a way of excusing his behaviour by condemning hers.
I think she would be wise to leave well alone and retain her dignity. It is unfair but there is some truth in what Deltic days.
it works differently for everyone I guess..
I can tell them what I think of them without any loss of dignity, maybe some couldn’t, but i wouldn’t discount confronting the cheating rat.
I can see what you mean Stav, but you hear accounts of confrontations like this ending in violence or even with the woman getting arrested. I’m not sure how calm I would be if someone had let me and my children down ao badly.
I see Stav’s point too, but I think what you plan to happen and what really happens can be two very different things.
Good point Kernow, even if you are confident that you can remain in control of your emotions the behaviour of the others involved may be unpredictable and their actions could lead to things getting out of control.