17 Responses

• Taggart on May 25th, 2009 at 7:26 am

  I think it’s a very positive choice to try to save the marriage. It seems to be a real challenge if you don’t know what she’s doing while you’re working.

  I think the stock answer would be to try to communicate with her about it. Are you able to sit down with her and really discuss what’s going on?

• poster25 on May 25th, 2009 at 11:50 am

  This really makes me mad that she is taking advantage of you. You are the bread winner, but she doesn’t respect that.
  You may have to put your foot down and explain to her about your expectations in the marriage. She obviously does not get it.

• kate on May 25th, 2009 at 1:29 pm

  I agree with Taggart here.. I think you really have to talk about it seriously. A good communication will help solve it, you cannot just guess or speculate things.
  And it’s a good thing that you’re trying so hard to save your marriage. I guess you’ll just have to be more open to each other. And continue loving and respecting her.. she’s the mother of your children, and she’s still your wife.

• Hosea on May 25th, 2009 at 9:35 pm

  Ummm, … no offense to the other posters, but exactly what good is it going to do to him to explain his expectations? As if his wife doesn’t already know them? As if she cares? She doesn’t show many signs of caring ….

  It is really hard to hear advice like this, but you can’t change her. All you can do is decide if you are willing to hang in there for the sake of the kids in spite of whatever shit she decides to pull. Or else decide what it will take for it to get so bad that you leave. But if you decide that THIS or THAT is so bad you are outta here, remember that it might really happen. You can’t make a decision like that purely because it sounds grand … because you may have to live up to that decision, or else eat it.

  This sounds really depressing, I know. Personally, I decided to stick it out with my wife after her first affair … and then after her second … and even after her fifth. I’m still with her today, after 25 years of marriage. But I won’t deny that sometimes it has been tough.

  (In the interests of full disclosure, I should add that my circumstances changed somewhat last fall, at which point I lost a lot of the sympathy that I used to have from our hostess here. But everything that I have written is still completely true ….)

• poster25 on May 28th, 2009 at 9:59 pm

  Yes, he has to explain his expectations once and for all and move on if she does not comply. It’s almost like giving her one more warning before moving on.

• chris1203 on May 30th, 2009 at 9:23 am

  I think that her reasons for wanting a divorce–your temper, etc–is just an excuse to justify what she has been doing. I also don’t think that she is really sincere about tryint to save this marriage. You can continue with marriage therapy, but if she’s not serious then I think that you are wasting your time.

• Me on May 31st, 2009 at 3:24 pm

  Go to counseling on your own. Anger management is class you need to take.Stop focusing on her and focusing on bettering yourself. God bless you.

• Rube on June 2nd, 2009 at 4:35 am

  UPDATE: We went to marriage counseling. Its suppose to be individual sessions for each of us and then joint sessions as well. She told the counselor she was not going to anymore individual sessions because she did not need help and she does not have any problems. At the 3 joint sessions we did they all turned into a “dump on the rube party”; not productive for me. She kept repeating over and over again “he did this to me”.
  At one point the counselor ask her if she thought she might have done something wrong and she shut up. I’ve given up on the counseling, it takes two to make it work.

  I have a feeling the fling with her boss stopped. I had given him a little visit in his office a month ago and I believe he got the message. If he did not he’ll a another.

  What surprises me is that she said she wanted a divorce, I know she saw an attorney a few weeks ago. Whats strange is after that day she softened up. And I have not been served (however that can be a lawyer strategy thing).

  I have a gut feeling that she felt she was not wanted, there was no romance, etc. And I have a small gut feeling she does not know what she wants today.
  She says she feels more assertive (I like that in a woman) and now can speak her mind (fantastic, I don’t have to read it anymore).

  I’ve tried every angle on this, from praying, crying (never do that guys), the 40 day plan from the movie Fireproof (don’t waste your time they just take advantage of you). I will tell you what gets her pissed today, when I go out or take off for the weekend. She can’t stand that.

  Someone suggested I should start looking around, dating other woman, etc. We’ll I”m looking because frankly I love women.

  First though in my priority is the kids, not doing any damage and preventing damage. They know whats going on as far as Mom and Dad possibly divorcing. I don’t want to hurt them. I waited a long time to find my wife, waited a long time to have kids. And thats all I want in life is a family.

  Many have said “talk” “work it out”. The problem is that when ever we talk she simply dumps her anger on me and I sense its just an excuse.

  I’m open to suggestions here, 20 years, 4 kids is a big investment.

  The Rube.

• Taggart on June 5th, 2009 at 6:24 am

  Rube, it sounds to me like you have a very reasonable, level-headed approach to this. I still think an attempt at communication was a good idea, which you’ve obviously done, but if she’s not responding in a positive way, that avenue probably won’t work, as you know.

  I wonder why she softened up after seeing the attorney? Maybe she felt relieved after taking the first step to what she wanted – Or possibly the reality of the step caused her to have second thoughts… Not to jump to that conclusion, but people have been known to change their minds on such things.

  I think she should proceed with the attorney, and if that’s what she really wants, that’s what would be best for both of you. I know of one couple who was planning to separate and changed their minds just before arranging to sell the home.

  Best of luck.

• Orrymain on October 28th, 2009 at 2:17 am

  Saving a marriage for the kids is rarely a good solution. The kids know when the parents are putting on a show. Sadly, they still end up the victims.

• stav on October 28th, 2009 at 11:18 am

  Coming to this late, but if she didn’t have a job, who is the boss?

  Your wife is in the wrong to be having an affair, but a woman happy at home, and getting everything she needs, would not be looking for other men.

  Regarding a job.. who looks after the four kids?

• Taggart on October 29th, 2009 at 6:14 am

  Sometimes people who seem to have everything they could want in a home life still feel that something’s missing. I think it can be a very complex situation, and it’s difficult to summarize all experiences in a single rule or discussion.

• stav on October 29th, 2009 at 9:05 am

  it may seem they have ‘everything they want’ to an outsider who maybe has less, but if you were happy with what you had, why would you look elsewhere?

• justontime on October 29th, 2009 at 4:17 pm

  I hope I can say this in a constructive way, but reading your posts it really doesn’t sound as if you have tried to see this from your wife’s point of view. She tried to tell you how she felt, is she was messing around with another man she was wrong, but you need to consider what led her to that point. If you really hope for a future whith her, I really feel that you need to start listening to her, really listening, then try to understand why she feels as she does. If you do that she will be more likely to listen to you too.

• Taggart on October 30th, 2009 at 7:21 am

  Regarding the things you’d be inclined to do to the boss Rube, I think that could easily get out of hand and be a problem for yourself and your children.

  I’d encourage you to do more positive, productive things – Like posting your story; I think it was an excellent start.

• justontime on October 31st, 2009 at 7:37 am

  I think he is absolutely right to say that the children have to come first. I hope he has the wisdom not to confuse his own feelings with the children’s needs. Thet should be kept out of it as much as possible and enabled to maintain a close and loving relationship with BOTH parents.

• stav on October 31st, 2009 at 11:28 am

  you’ve said alot about how you are dealing with this Rube.. but i get the impression there is very little passion involved… you talk about your investment…

  How about love? Do you love your wife so much that you’d do anything not to lose her?