It occurs in a marriage in which one feels slighted in some manner and seeks revenge by engaging in infidelity. It is less a movement toward the other person and more a movement away from one’s spouse.
Key Points:
1. The affair may be a direct response to the affair of the spouse. “I’ll show you! Take this! I want you to hurt as much as I hurt.” Or the affair may be revenge for some other form of cut-off or perceived emotional injury: “I’m not getting enough here, so I’ll show you!” Or, “There, I got your attention!”
2. This typically occurs in a marriage where effective personal confrontation does not happen or happens ineffectively. There is a mistrust of expressing one’s self fully to the other person. The marriage relationship usually is marked by civility, but the two, in essence, do not know each other very well. They are polite, but there is no fire. They may want more, but are not sure how to get more.
3. The fire that does exist is a smoldering tension under the surface of the marriage. The tension may be the result of the frustration that one or both experience when they believe their needs are not being met. There is a genuine desire for more – from the spouse – but it’s not happening.
4. This form of revenge affair serves as a wake-up call for the relationship. If, and I use the word if advisedly, the couple can “get it out” – drain off the tension – and begin talking about needs, yes, the relationship stands a very good chance of turning into something wonderful. One or both must say with a great deal of passion, “I REALLY want you! I no longer will settle for the boiling frustration and seeming indifference to my needs. This is what I need and expect…..”
5. There is another kind of revenge affair that holds less hope and is more destructive. A revenge affair may be the result of long-standing and unresolved anger or rage toward the opposite sex. There is a persistent pattern of the person pushing others away with rage or anger. There also is a great deal of projection, or this person blaming others for his/her situation.
6. This form of anger is more rage than frustration. The rage emerges from a desire to hurt rather than from the frustration of needs not being met. This person exhibits little concern, as well, for the other person. Whereas someone more frustrated because they want their needs met, is usually more considerate of the other person.
Tip: Begin to make distinctions between rage and frustration. Determine the type of revenge affair you must face. If it is rage, learn to protect yourself and set boundaries. Begin to take exceptional care of yourself. Begin to say no! If it is an affair of frustration, begin looking at your needs. Identify and express those needs. Take a risk. Turn up the passion button. Dare to engage about needs, both yours and the others.
About the Author – extramaarital affairs
The article is written by Dr. Robert Huizenga who is an expert at surviving infidelity. He offers advice on (rage affair).
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I have been married for 20 years now. I just found out that my husband has been having an affair with one woman. In the process of finding this information, I wanted to make sure that it was not still going on but to my amazement, I found out that he was involved with another woman he worked with and then another outside of her. He is also involved with another married woman on top of all of these but still, he says he meant nothing with any of them and they were just there when he needed to do what he needed to do. In essence, he was cheating on the other woman with another woman after the first woman and he broke it off. I think he is still involved with at least two of the women but he will never admit it and right now, I could care less because I won’t let him touch me even though he is begging for us to get back together. I did not know anything about any of them because he was still pretending to be the husband of no change. He sucks as a father too but I would never let him know that. I caught one of the women coming from the house then I caught him over to her house.
I found notes and emails from the woman he works with and they are very engaging but he still says that nothing happened. He says that she’s lonely and she wants him but he does not want her. The notes tell a different story though and I know he is lying but poor thing thinks he’s believed. However, during conversation with him he said all of what he said to them meant nothing and he just did what they let him do. He meant nothing he has said to them but he still said it and of course, I don’t believe crap he has said or is saying now. My feelings have diminished a bit for him but he wants the marriage to continue and is willing to go to counseling but I am just not interested in him anymore since he has been with those whores. How can a woman get over this and move on without him and be happy about it. He is forgiven but the idea of him touching me makes me vomit especially when you see what he was playing around with. They knew of course that he was married but I guess desperate women will do desperate things but it appears that he was more desperate than they were but they can have each other. Okay group, what about it?
Katie
I tend to think that the rage affair as mentioned above may be more difficult to get over if the couple is trying to repair the relationship.
There are some interesting points made above about how this differs from someone who simply feels that their needs aren’t being met.
This article has some good points, although I think that there is a fine line between a rage affair and a revenge affair sometimes.
When it comes to an affair, nothing good comes out of it no matter what type it is called or what the intentions were originally.
I’m not sure if separating the types of affairs-revenge or rage-helps. For some, the fact that there is an affair will block any hope of reconciliation.
I think that the article does touch on psychological factors that may be beyond the scope of the individual relationship. I can see that becoming a very complex topic.
If my partner had either type of affair he would get plenty of attention – from my solicitor, because we would be heading for the divorce court!
What is wrong with some people? How can love turn so sour? True love is forever, everyone else needs to sort out their priorities.
On further reflection, how childish it all seems. We are supposed to work our way through and mature about these things before we ever marry. Especially when there are kids involved, how sad for them seeing their parents take on like this.