I had recently met a man who is currently going through a divorce. He has been away from his wife since January and says it is over between them. Knowing there is no guareentees on a rebound situation, our feelings have grown for one another. His wife is wanting to reconcile & is coming to visit him for a week along with his family. I have been trying to be cool and a friend about this situation but as the time is approaching, I\’m beginning to feel cheated and left behind. I have told him since they have spent time apart, when he see\’s her during this visit, he will know what his feelings are. This trip will tell him where his heart really is, with the soon to be ex or me. I know they will sleep together and this bothers me. I\’m asking what should I do? stay around and see what happens, or move on knowing that it is all too fresh and I\’m going to get hurt in the end??
Her Plan: Confront my partner
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This must be really hard for you. I guess if you could start from the beginning again you would not get involved. However you are involved and as you say there is a chance of you getting hurt. I think all you can do is to stay in the background and leave him to decide. By the way I don’t think he would be very fair to her if he slept with her before he was sure that they had a future.
I’m sorry but you have to step back and allow him the chance to reconcile with his wife. If he decides he wants you instead, it is up to you if you still want him or not.
I can understand why you feel cheated, he hasn’t been very fair in starting a relationship before concluding his marriage. It is up to you if you want to wait around or not, but I don’t think I would.
I think you have your answer. I mean if you know even before the visit that they are going to sleep together then there are still feelings of some sort there that they both really need to work on. Good luck to you. I hope it works out the way you want in the end.
Unfortunately, I think that you need to step back and let what ever happens, happen. You don’t absolutely know that he will untimately reconcile with his wife. Don’t start dreading what may never happen.
Why wait around? She is still his wife and he is still her husband. They owe to each other to try to work things out. You have no place within this equation. There are men in this world who are unattached and will be less of a headache to you.
I’m sorry but if the guy is trying to reconcile with his after after filing for divorce then he is a jackass.He is a jackass because he started a relationship with you. It’s ok to reconcile with your wife but not at the expense of someone else. Dump his fast and move on.
It happened to me. Men lie a lot. They bother you till death and tell you it’s over when it’s not. Please if he considers even reconciling with his wife, dump him.
The insult must be incredibly difficult to swallow. Somehow, it seems that he’s not willing to make a decision based on your relationship.
In addition to your feelings about being pushed aside, the scene is set for him to continue to see his “soon to be ex”, and you, without making any commitment to you.
It sounds like it’s time to set him aside, telling him that, when he can present the divorce decree to you, he will be living without you in his life.
This happened to me to. i got involved with a separated man. before we started anything i told him just let me know if you are going to try to work things out with your ex. i wish i hadn’t uttered those word because that is of course what he did.. he has been back with his wife for three months and i know hes not happy i have to see him every day.. i work with the jerk. point is i wish it was that easy to forget.. he still calls me all the time asking to secretly meet up-stars.. i was stupid for meeting him..although i would let anything too serious happen every kiss and touch brings that feeling of love back. i some times wish i had never met him.. point is at least make it look like you have moved on and have no more feelings for him so at least this way you don’t feel like a huge idiot…. its almost four months and i haven’t moved on yet.. just hang is there.. it will be irrelevant when you look back in year.. or at least that’s what i tell myself!
I think Sage Mother summed up your situation very well, it seems very hard on you. Perhaps the lesson for all of us is to recocognise that people who are separated but not divorced have a lot of unresolved issues and they are not yet free to commit to a new relationship.
I agree, kernow. Even couples that are actually divorced can have unresolved baggage between them that can get in the way of them forming good relationships with other people.
I am an old fashioned sort of person and for many reasons I would not consider a person free to date and get involved until after a divorce. Then it would be up to me if I wanted to bother with someone with a lot of baggage.
I think I would agree with you on that Kernow, I think getting involved with someone who is not yet divorced leaves you open to a lot of heartache.
That is true, but the separated partner can be very convincing about things being all over, so I can see why some people do get involved.
I think in some cases the person involved at the beginning of a separation may not be intentionally misleading anyone about how easy it will be to separate. Sometimes people get to know their spouse much better when lawyers become involved.
I see it’s been a while since you posted this… Hopefully the relationship has worked out in a good way for you, one way or another. I know it can be difficult for some people to move on from a bad relationship.
I’m curious how things have worked out as well. Rebound relationships rarely work, though, and I’m for people working to resolve their differences. He’s still married, or was at that point. I’d probably wait to get involved until after the divorce is finalized.
I understand what you are going through. I began dating a guy 3 years ago and after only a few dates, he told me he was considering reconciliation with his ex-wife. I told him no problem since I only met him and I wasn’t attached to him at that point. The same day I left him and he told me this news, he called me and wanted to see me again. Strangely I wondered why he changed his mind so quickly in the same day. The answer to that is because I didn’t care he broke things off with me, I reacted that it didn’t matter and basically I rejected him back. He didn’t want to be rejected. We dated again, and over this 3 year period, he seemed to often consider recondciliation with his ex which upset me. But he also wanted to date other girls or women too and this became a pattern. There were times breaking up didn’t bother me so much and other times it did bother me. What I came to realize was though, that if I reacted mad or angry, I only pushed him further away. If I acted like it didn’t matter, he couldnt stand the idea that I didn’t care if i had him or not. Three years later, he has begun to visit his ex who lives two hours away, often, and spend the night with her and kids. This bothered me drastically. I became mad, jealous, envious, and did all the stupid things people do when they are this way. After 6 months of him going back and forth from her to me, I got up enough nerve to tell him I wasn’t going to see him anymore because it wasn’t good for my kids to see what he was doing and me to put up with it was even worse. He was fine with my breakup, and seemed to not be bothered by it, and even went on to say he was definately reconciling with his ex and agreed with the break. I was devastated because I did love him. After I went crazy, I realized that I was acting crazy and foolish and this wasn’t the best for me to be with him and I needed to move on. So into two weeks of the breakup, me still calling hiim, him still calling me, I told him I wasn’t going to see him anymore. He was coy and basically said Great! But the second day went by and I didn’t call or text him. Day 3 no calls or texts. He was calling me and texting me I wasn’t answering either. I was busy with my life. Finally I did talk to him and he openly asked me if I was ignoring him on purpose? I said yes, for him and me. He immediately wanted to see me the next day, wanted to know if I would see him, he was jealous and it was amazing he cared so much. At this point I realized I needed to take care of me, and that over the 3 year period, I really hadnt been that happy, but miserable. In a day or two, I was transforming my thoughts, actions, and it felt good to do what I wanted He called and wanted to see me, but I gave no promise and was aloof. Always take care of yourself. If they see us taking care of ourselves, they will respect us more and we will have self-respect as well. Always put you first and make positive changes in your life to make you happy and not him. You will feel good about it and maybe you wont even want him back! Check out this website: http://www.magicofmakwingup.com
Men are confused creatures. They want what they want when they want it. There wives are there stability and everyone else is the added fun. Why pay for the milk if he can have the cow?
He is totally unfair to mislead you and you are being unfair to yourself. You deserve better and to sit around waiting for him to make a decision … especially knowing he may sleep with her, isn’t healthy.
A few years too late .. but hopefully you are happy!