Have a boyfriend of 20 years. He is 60 years old and takes care of his 86-year old father in his father’s house. Recently his sisters hired a plump 50 year old maid who laughs at everything he says who comes in to take care of his father at 8 00 a.m. to 12 00 am then leaves and returns at 6 00 p.m. overnight to 12 00 noon the next day, every day of the week. He has grown very cold toward me. He leaves me in his room and goes to talk to the maid. He also walks around the house in his underwear while his father is dressed. He says he is not fooling with her. He says he is not married to me. He says if I bring it up about him fooling around with her for me to stay at home and not come to see him anymore.
Cherry’s Plan: Leave my relationship
Sponsored Links
Let Us Help You - Infidelity Advice
-
Is your partner is cheating on you and you don't know what to do? Tell us your story and ask for our reader's advice.
Did You Subscribe Yet?
-
Subscribe by email or RSS feed
Make IDCheaters.com your homepage
Cherry, I think that you have made a very wise decision. Something is going on. He is defensive and does not want to discuss it. After 20 years, I think that you deserve better.
I think you’ve made the right decision too.
From what you say, it sounds like he’s ready to move on as well. I think for you, moving on is a positive choice.
I have to agree with the other two comments here, you should be treated better than this and if after a 20 year relationship you aren’t getting the respect you deserve, you’re better off moving on and forward.
I would have to agree that you have made the right decision. I mean if he cannot understand how you would feel with him walking around in his underwear with her there and going into her room to talk to her then he is not considering your feelings at all.
I think that even if he is not doing anything “wrong,” he’s definitely showing a blatant insensitivity to your feelings. For that, alone, I think that you should leave him.
I agree with chris1203. It’s inappropriate for him to be walking around half-dressed in mixed company like that. That would be very strange even if it was the only point of conflict.
I hate to say it, but your boyfriend has had the upper hand for years, and intends to keep it that way. The relationship has been “living on luck” for about 15 years, now.
What new hobbies have you decided to pursue, now that you will have free time?
Cherry my love, I think u have made the right decision to leave. However, before u leave, make sure the maid has also left and your sixty year old b.f. hires a fifty year old man helper with a long beard.
I think SageMother hit the spot with her observations. You should trust your instincts. Good luck rebuilding your life.
I agree – Finding new interests and possibly a new social circle could be a great thing to do at this point.
You may find it easier to move on with something or someone new to focus on, at least to some extent.
That is good advice about having something else to focus on. Hopefully you wiil be able to make new friends through a shared hobby or interest.
Leaving is definitely the thing to do here. He just doesn’t care what you do which means he doesn’t really care about you. Find someone who does.
Another aspect about continuing to pay attention to someone who’s not good for you is that while you’re doing that, you may send out the signal that you’re unavailable for or uninterested in someone else who could really be good for you.
I know someone who’s making that mistake in my extended family of in-laws.
Cherry, you deserve better than this.. a ‘boyfriend’ for 20 years? This man does not want to commit to you,or care about your feelings, and obviously wants his cake and eat it too… ditch him.
I agree with Stav, this man is not worth bothering with. He is treating you very badly, don’t put up with it.
I tend to agree with stav on the “boyfriend for 20 years” point, but at the same time I realize that some people are comfortable that way. It’s like some couples become engaged and enjoy that, but take years to plan beyond that.
An engagement is an intention to marry, it is not an end in itself. People who stay engaged for years without either breaking it of or getting married are not being honest with each other. Engaged means nothing if it is not a transition to marriage.
I agree with your definition of what an engagement is, but I know of examples of people who’ve been engaged for years and they seem happy and to both be on the same page with the “engagement”. I think some people do think of it as an end in itself, but maybe not consciously.
but it needs to be both comfortable… i don’t think Cherry is happy with the situation, and he is treating her badly.. he uses the ‘only negaged not married’ line to mistreat her.
Then Cherry,
Stay at home and don’t go around him anymore. He is trying to control you and don’t give him the power to do it. You are better off without the prick who probably needs to stay home and take care of his father because he sure is not taking care of you. Let him fool around with her and ask all the questions you need to ask to get the answer you need to make the decision to leave his behind where he is…at home with his father! Good for you and keep going! Enough already, don’t let men use you because you are better than that and don’t take the pity stories to build your self esteem because you are not a pitiful woman. Stand up for yourself! It all starts with us!!!!
You’re doing the right thing, Cherry.
However, I must ask: what is it with all these relationships of a decade or more where the woman is just a “girlfriend”? You all are being taken advantage of! Tell the jerk to commit or you’re out of there!
I’m not sure the 20 year engagement was a problem for Cherry. I think the introduction of the caregiver was the problem here. I think many people would find it hard to make a change after 20 years, and that’s probably why some of them put up with some things that aren’t great.
That’s a good point, Taggart. Twenty years together and then not; that has to be more than frightening.
heretoday, it’s probably because he knows what he can get and that’s with most men who have these types of women. They don’t want to commit to them because of probably how they got them in the first place. They don’t mean anything to him except for a piece when he wants and how he wants. Why would they commit to such women? Unfortunate but true…it’s those kind who say that he’s my man when he’s married with a family. Their excuse then is if he was so happy then why is he with me? Well, it’s because he can use them how he wants and he knows they are okay with it. The answer to your question is stupidity.
I think someone with a healthy level of self-esteem wouldn’t stay in a relationship like that unless they were agreeable that it wasn’t exclusive… And I don’t think that’s what Cherry is looking for. I think she has the right plan.
A boyfriend for 20 years, this chap is not into commitment. There must be a reason the relationship hasn’t progressed in 20 years. It sounds as if he has very little respect for her feelings.
I think the fear of being left alone, after 20 years with the same man is what has prevented Cherry from ditching this user before now.
Assuming she is of a similar (or maybe a little younger) age as the boyfriend, perhaps the prospect of not having a ‘boyfriend’ is more terifying than putting up with his abuses of her.
It is hard to have the confidence to make a break, but the more you put up with in terms of selfish or unkind behaviour the harder it gets to break away. Sadly that sort of behaviour becomes ‘normal’ very quickly.