My boyfreind and I have been together for 9months. We moved in together a couple months ago to my home in California. He end up moving out to being laid off two months later. I was hurt and angry that he left and went back to Texas (his home and other job offer) Since I was taking bad and we began having problems and arguing all the time almost everyday. Most of which was phone converstations because we are long distance now.. Things finally starting getting back on track 2 weeks ago when he flew out here to see me. The weekend away camping did us alot of good and I started to finally feel happy and okay with us. I stopped being so angry.. and I think he did too. We were fine until I found out that he had been talking to his ex two days ago. I had asked him that month if he was talking to her and he said no- so I choose not to worry about it and believe him. I found out from his phone record.. I asked him straight up if they were talking again and he came out and told me they had been. We have been in the huge fight and I havent really talked to him.. Tonight we finally talked and he gave me his story. He said nothing ever happened and he only saw her twice.. But he has been talking to her frequently all the way up to our camping trip.. He started talking to her again when we had been fighting so bad.. He says Im the one he wants and begged me to try and work this out with him. I dont know what to do.. I love him but Im having a hard time deciding if I can trust him again. I dont want to be worrying about him or wondering who he is with all the time with the distance.. Im really hurt about all of it and I dont understand why he didnt just try to work things out with me first before running to her… I really dont know what to do.
Her Plan: Work it out
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He sounds like he genuinly wants to work things out with you. He probably avoided telling you that he was “talking to her” in the first place because he was worried you might jump to the wrong conclusion. Not suggesting that was the right thing for him to do.
It is highly probable that they are just friends, nothing more. If they broke up on an amicable basis it may have simply been the case of him wanting to talk to someone familiar.
Is it possible for you to move to where he is now located and be with him again as a couple? Does he want that? If he is eager for you to move back in with him then he would be sincere.
You could get a job where he is and be together. If he is not so eager then you have your answer and it might be best for you to concentrate on yourself for a while.
I hope everything works out for you.
You didn’t support him when he had hard decisisions to make. He has done the right thing by moving to find work and you have just given him a hard time. I’m not surprised he was talking to his ex. If he is still willing to try to work things out with you, stop blaming him, stop snooping on him and be more loving and supportive.
I think that Justontime makes some valid points, if a relationship can’t survive through the hard times it isn’t worth much; and you really did not support him when he had to move for work.
Hey come on now “justontime” & “kernow”,
read Melissa’s plan to “Work it out”. She has asked for advice not to be attacked or accussed. It takes two to work things out here. He could have asked her to join him in the first place, going by the looks of things that did not happen. Cut her some slack. There is no mention of whether or not he has even asked her to join him.
She has a lot to consider before making such a move as well. Remember she has a life as well, it is not all about him.
I hope things are working out for you Melissa?
Good luck in what ever you decide.
I don’t think either of them were attacking her. They simply pointed out that she was only thinking about herself, she gave hm a hard time for doing what was right and moving to get work. Life id not always easy and during the tough times it is important to support a partner not to make things harder. I hope it works out for Melissa too, but i think she would be foolish to move until she is more sure about what she wants. I think they should try to make it work long distance first.
I was not attacking her, but sometimes it is necessary to point out the truth of a situation in order to be any help. If Melissa does not understand that she played a significant part in causing things to go wrong, she will have no chance of putting things right. If he wants to make it work, she has to decide if it is what she wants. Melissa, don’t move to be with him yet, you need a strong relationship before you should consider that. Good luck with whatever you decide.
If people ask for advice they deserve the truth and constructive comment is NOT attacking someone. This is a fairly short relationship, only 9 months in total. They have hardly lived together so it would not be a strong basis for Melissa to uproot herself to be with him. I feel strongly that she made a big mistake in being unsupportive when he had to move to get work. It was making both of them unhappy. Melissa, by all means try to make it work, but please don’t move until you are absolutely sure that you have a future with him and that it is what you both want.
Reading between the lines Melissa did not get much of a say in her boyfriends decision. Clearly his move has had an enourmous effect on her, that is understandable. They were already living together as a couple and he suddenly decides to uproot and leave her for work back in his home town. He should have discussed things with her properly beforehand.
Whilst it is admirable to you both that he has made the big move to find work, you both fail to see the consequences behind the scenes for Melissa. A little compassion towards her plight and pain would not go astray.
Melissa would have had to carry on paying for the rent and all other amenities in his absence. I say she has a right to feel hard done by in that instance.
How would any of you feel if your partner suddenly up and left you in the lurch?
Please be aware that we do not fully know what has happened behind closed doors.
He could have tried harder to find a job where he was living before turning her life upside down.
Try to think of it from her perspective.
She is not to blame here at all.
Melissa has been in a relationship with this man for nine months, that is a reasonable amount of time to become attached to someone. Just because she may have only spent “a couple” of those months actually living with him does not lesson her loss.
I did clearly state that Melissa “has a lot to consider before making such a move” in order to be with him. However if he is not prepared to move back to California to be with her it is something she needs to give some serious consideration. Long distance relationships very rarely workout. If they both love another then one of them eventually needs to make the sacrifice long term.
Again Melissa I wish you luck, take your time. You both need to be on solid ground with any issues and talking face to face is your first step.
Take care.
Melissa, I am just going to wish you well. I have offered my best advice and I am not going to disrespect you by arguing about your situation with someone who is determined to be right and to have the last word. However things work out for you I wish you the very best for the future.
Melissa, Kernow is right, I am bowing out too, I am not willing to pick over your problems just to prove a point, I think that is in very bad taste. I hope very much that this will have a happy ending for you.
Talk about projection. I heard that some of you in here were nasty, now I know the warnings were well founded.
Good luck Melissa. I know you will make the right decision for yourself minus the blameshifters on this forum.
Remember you were never at fault within your relationship. Please don’t let anyone else on here try to bully you into thinking otherwise.
Take care
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I understand she may have been upset and not very supportive but in the end that is no reason to turn to an ex about the problems. I mean talking to the ex more then likely is only going to make it worse. I will say it does sound like he does want to try to make it work out for you two.
Long distance relationships can be very challenging if there’s any source of friction, because so much weighs on the tone of the phone conversations and if they’re ended on a bad note, that’s the feeling that each person carries around till the next conversation.
I think there may have been a lot of pressure on Melissa’s boyfriend to find employment, especially in these times and it may not have been practical for her to move with him but I’m only speculating. I think it would be helpful to know if the subject’s come up and if she’d be interested in relocating with him.
I think that he is ready to move forward, but he is looking at both you and his ex girfriend.
I think that you should take your time in this. Have you thought about visiting him so that you can talk in person. That would probably be a lot better than on the phone, and perhaps you can read the situation better in person.