Back in October I met a great guy..I mean really wonderful! He was a single dad with a deceased wife so him and I related on another level because I’m a single mom. We were together for a couple months…I was falling for him, falling hard and he was telling me he could see himself in love with me and even made statements referring to how he could be my sons step father and us have a life together.
In December, I went to his house one night to question him about some things I was finding fishy with his job and his wife, that’s dead, answered the door. I stopped communication with him and here recently he’s back in my life. Him and his wife are not happy and yet they are staying married out of convience. I went to his house recently and he played me a song he had wrote for me and we were sitting down talking and the next thing I know we were kissing. One thing led to another and things happened.
I spent most of the weekend with him, he told me he still feels as strong for me and
the feelings he had for me weren’t lies. He thinks about me all the time and he has really missed me. He said he tried to keep a distance between us but the more he tried the more he couldn’t do it. He leaves the country for his job in a couple months and the wife will go to the other side of the states….I don’t know what to do. I know that what I’m doing I shouldn’t do but yet I care about him soo much and I’ve lost him once and I don’t want to do that again. How do I get out of this? I don’t know if I should enjoy it while he’s here because he’s leaving and then he’ll be gone and I won’t be in touch with him or do I do what I know I should do but dont want to and end it now?
Angela’s Plan: Work it out,Leave my relationship
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Angela,
I recently went through the darkest period in my life because I found out that my husband was cheating on me and had been for four years. It was the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me; to make a long story short, I went from being a well adjusted soccer mom to a suicidal basket-case. Please do not do this. There are SOOOOO many red flags here, Angela. You are letting your feelings guide you and not your better judgment, which means someone will get very hurt in the end. A man that will LIE about his situation doesn’t have enough moral backbone to keep a truly loving, committed relationship, with his wife or YOU. If you continue in this relationship, it will end in devastation.
Please stop and think hard about this. He lied to you, he said his wife was dead (that is a dreadful thing to say). He showed no respect for you or for his wife, how many others is he stringing along? How could you ever trust a man like this. He is a liar and a cheat, don’t get involved, you and your son could be terribly hurt. You are vulnerable and you are not thinking straight, he is free, he still has a wife!
I would have to agree that your son could really get hurt in all this. That being said why would you want to waste time with someone who cannot be with you in the end. To much heartache for what you will get in the end.
I’m sorry, I can understand that you have strong feelings, but you gotta see the bigger picture. He lied to you FROM THE BEGINNING! Do you really think he will not lie to you again? I wouldn’t trust him.
The above poster brings up a good point in that no matter how much you may love him would you be able to trust him again?
These are really nice sunglasses. Sadly the ones I really like are $199.00. I just don’t have the spare money to pay that much. I will have to check out some of the other ones.
I would run as fast as I could once I found out that he was not being honest especially about his wife being dead. You may have the feelings but know that you can get past them, don’t allow him to make you feel any less about yourself…that’s the job for the “other woman” and you don’t want to be stuck in a job like that. You’re better than that. He may see himself falling in love with you but tell him to put his feelings on hold, if they are real until he decides he wants to be divorced. Do not be like the other women, you’re bigger than that.
This is no foundation for a lasting relationship, he has lied and misled you in a very cruel way, don’t waste yor time on him.
I agree with Berlinlife, he lied to you from the very first day. Once trust has been lost it takes a very long time to win it back (if at all!).
Please think about your son. This man is unreliable, how can you possibly trust hin again.
I just feel that when a man or a women cheat on their spouse they have no respect for themselves and the other person. I just find that sad.
tater03, you are right they have no respect for their spouse ore the other person the get involved with. They think only of what they want without considering the consequences.
To mislead someone in the way this man did is more than selfish, it is wicked. How could anyone possibly claim their wife was dead.
That is disgusting that someone would go so far as claiming their wife is dead. That is just dipicable.
That is just absolutely unconscionable to say your wife is dead. I agree that when people cheat or people that knowing get into a relationship with someone who is married are very selfish. I am saying if they know that they are married.
Angela, you can’t possibly be thinking straight. This man told you that his wife was dead. That is really low.
Also, when he leaves to go out of the country, do you honestly think that he is going to be thinking about you? He is going to find someone over there too.
You will be in the states with his wife…….waiting until the next time he decides that he wants to be bothered with you again and string you along.
I agree with the above advice to distance yourself from this guy. If you don’t, I think you should prepare yourself for the realities of being involved in a situation like that.
Ultimately, I think you could find more happiness in a relationship where you weren’t the third party in an existing relationship.
I understand Angela. Unfortunately I am here looking for solace myself. I was in a[year long]relationship with a man that I am in love with who made me believe he was in the midst of a divorce. We worked together so I watched this all come down. We never started dating until after he left his wife. I watched the “separation/divorce” take place, or so I thought. We had a beautiful relationship and I know he loves me, however, just last week he asked me to marry him (he promised his divorce papers were filed) I was so happy, four days later it all came down. I found out he never left her, he was playing both of us and neither one knew.
It has been heart breaking (for my entire family, friends, and son)and I find myself wanting him back -bad I know, it’s just heartbreak and I have to much respect for myself to even consider it.
Get out now, you still have a chance to save your heart, and his wife. Good luck
I just wanted to mention another thing, don’t forget to love yourself and forgive. You stated that you went back and consummated the relationship again, a mistake, but don’t beat yourself up for it.
Be kind to yourself and forgive- to be able to completely heal, you must forgive. I am working on that now myself, it feels better to forgive him than to have a rotten spot in my heart. I truly love Travis, and part of that love is my forgiving him.
Good for you bkspce. At least you were honest about what happened and did what was right and that was to leave him alone. I hate what happened to you but married men are just that, married. They will lie to get what they want but really it is all a game and unfortunately, you were a victim to it. I’m happy that you did what you needed to do and that was respect yourself first and then his wife. As you said, she didn’t know but he did and he pulled you into that spectacle. At least you were a woman about it. You are right, love yourself, forgive him, and don’t hang on to it. He will have to live with it.
I am dating a married man all and I knew he was married. I also work with this gentleman. He is a very nice man and we have worked together for awhile. I became involved with him knowing he was married and has a family. His wife found out about us and went off. She has been a constant thorn in my side and just won’t go away. I know he is going to divorce her so it’s just a matter of time. I know what I am doing is wrong but I love him and miss him when I do not see him or talk to him. We communicate quite often because we have to, we work together so it’s great. She gives him grief and plenty of it. She was very rude to him and put their business out in the streets. I know he will be leaving her soon so what should I do in the mean time? I love him and miss him when I can’t talk to him or see him.
I think that you should give this a lot of thought. It may well be that he cares about you, but the reality is that he has been lying to you and to his wife.
T…. I have recently been through a break up with a married man. I found out yesterday that he told his wife how much in love with me he is and all the reasons why. It made my heart skip a beat, however, he is STILL WITH HIS WIFE! He promised me he was getting divorced and I had no idea he was still involved with her!!!!
If I can save another person from the heart break I have been in, please DO NOT see him again. If he is leaving his wife, let him do it ALONE! Then you will not be dragged around by your aorta.
If he is truly in love with you, he will do the right thing and get a divorce and find you once it is done.
I know how difficult it is. Yesterday I was also told that [my love] will find me once this is over because he can’t let a love like ours go away. I have not contacted him at all. If he is true, then he will find me when he is ready. I will not compromise myself and be labeled as the other woman. It is the right thing to do, sad as I am.
Be strong my dear, you will come out of this a champ.
Think about how hurt his wife is… how hurt his children are. Let him be the sucker on his own.
It can be a real issue to sort out when there is real love between someone who’s married and a “third” person.
Best of luck in your situation T.
It becomes a sad situation becoming involved with a married man. I have also done this and tried many times to break it off with this man but I finally did when I suspected that he was messing around with another woman (not his wife). His wife knew about me and every time I tried to break it off he kept telling me he was going to serve her with divorce papers and that he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of our lives together. He would blow my phone up leaving numerous messages begging me to come back and come by my place unannounced. But the last incident was when he got stationed in another country and I suspected him of being with another woman (not his wife) and thank God because I thought I would never be able to leave. He blew my phone up from overseas and emailed me because he claimed he didnt want it to be over. He denied seeing someone else but I felt it in my gut and I knew he was lying. It hurt alot but it was what I needed to get out. I deleted my email address (after he sent me a gushy email) because he recently tried to contact me wanting to be “friends”. It has been 9 months since I broke it off with him and it has not been easy.
bkspce,
You are so right and it does hurt knowing he is still there. My gut tells me that he is not going anywhere and I am just the other woman. He won’t take me out on public dates like he does his wife. I knew this going in but after hearing all the sad stories, I thought I’d convinced him to leave her but I guess I was wrong. She did find out about us and so did everybody else cause she let it be known that he was messing around not only with me, but two other women. I guess I was a fool but I want him bad. I’m sure his wife was hurt but so was I.
Thanks,
T
It must be extremely hard to tell when someone’s not being honest about their plans to leave someone else, and when they honestly intend to leave, but don’t have the strength or courage to make the change.
Hopefully we can avoid spending time in limbo with a potentially worthwhile relationship.
Anyone who enters a relationship with another person has a duty to disclose their status. If his feelings for you were true he would deal with his marriage – openly and honestly. Women have to stop thinking that they can change men! If he really wanted you he would make it right, however hard it might be to do that. Please stop allowing yourself to be treated so badly. It is not good for you, and you make it hard for all other women because men believe that they can get away with this kind of disrepectful, selfish, deceitful behaviour.
Since when does it make sense to build relationships w/liars and cheats?
I feel sad that the OP was totally deceived…but you’re not thinking rationally. It’s interesting that you’re bypassing all these red flags. Actions like this would repulse me. I detest liars and cheats — but obviously we’re two different kinds of women.
If the man wanted you — he’d be with you. Period. If the man was a suitable partner, he wouldn’t be cheating in the first place. Period.
Sorry to generalize, it’s just not within me to mince words.
Cheaters aren’t horrible ppl…but they do boast serious character flaws, i.e., selfishness, lying, deception, weak, etc…which aren’t conducive to a loving functional relationship.
But the bottom line is:
PEOPLE *SHOW* YOU WHO THEY ARE!
No one is gonna come out and say:
“I have issues with commitment.”
“I can’t stay faithful…”
“I like to believe that I’m likable but deep down inside, I know that I’m not a ‘good’ person. I’m an unfeeling a**hole who doesn’t give a damn about anyone but myself.
“I like to lie…and I’m pretty self-absorbed, too.”
OP, you know what you need to do, you just haven’t done it. If you choose to stick around, then hey — SMH
That’s you.
This guys is showing you what he’s all about. You see it — & if you put up with that, then…you’re just stupid AND no better than him.
Unfortunately, you’ll get what’s coming to you, be it heartbreak or an a**whipping from the wife. And even then, don’t blame the man. Nope. Accept responsibility for the ppl that YOU allow into YOUR life. Take ownership over the choices you make.
Anyway, I came across this site by accident and I have to say that while I don’t cheat, never cheated, would never cheat (or condone it) I do have 1 or 2 man-hating, gold-diggin friends who are pretty scandalous and — uh, predatory…? lol. So I’ve seen the game and I pretty much know how it goes.
…and, I gotta say — I just don’t ‘get’ these women who *knowingly* sleep with married men & allow themselves to catch feelings.
What went wrong?
-If you can’t distinguish sex from love then you shouldn’t be involved in casual relationships in the first place.
-If you catch feelings easily or wear your heart on your sleeve then you shouldn’t be dating someone who is unavailable, i.e., married.
-If you can’t deal with lies dont’ sleep with someone who spews them. You’ll not imagine all the mistresses who express heartache when they find out their married man is h*ing around with other women. When THEY are the mistress themselves?
It’s just dumb.
I mean, if you’re gonna purposely screw around at least have a little common sense. Emotionally attaching yourself to someone like that is the stupidest thing you could ever do.
It’s a game. Treat it as such. These men feed you a bunch a bull. They blow smoke:
“He told me he loves me.”
“He said his wife is so mean…she just nags him all the time and he likes being around me.”
“He said he never wanted to marry her. He was always unhappy but he married her anyway because he’s too cowardly to call her bluff on her ultimatums. Now he’s stuck in 5 yr marriage because he’s too weak, dishonest & stupid to do anything about it — & it’s all HER fault! So for now he’s using me (and quite possibly other women) as a distraction. He cries on my shoulder. I have a poor sense of self worth so I don’t realize that this relationship is beneath me. Instead, I agree and pat him on the head…which makes him happy. Which makes me happy as it does wonders for my fragile ego…”
…and blah, blah, blah.
These men don’t know what they want. So why even get into all that mess? They may have some affection for the ‘other chick’, but — whatever. It’s not THAT serious. Don’t read into it. Don’t lose yourself because he said the ‘L’ word.
He has a WIFE. A partner. He stood before God for this woman. HE built a family with this women. So if he’s lying to HER what makes you think he’s going to be upfront and honest with you?
Compared to her, you’re just some random chick.
“Well — it’s complicated…”
No, it isn’t. You’re just delusional.
*You* are the ’side-piece’. Know your role.
Not to play Devil’s Advocate but there has to be an incentive for dating a married man. A relationship is out of the picture so get your sex, conversation and good times. Take his money & send him back home to his wife!
I have no sympathy. Any man who would risk his family for some side chick deserves what’s coming to him.
That’ll teach him to keep his butt at home.
Ppl get what they put out.
These cheating males are the way they are because they haven’t met the ‘right’ jump-off. They’ve been dealing with weepy-eyed, weak-willed, emotional mistresses-in-love.
All it takes is a single beautiful (and equally heartless) man-eating gold-digger to cure them of their fidelity issues.
Stephanie, I think you are being a little harsh. Liars annd cheats don’t come with labels on. Angela was lied to and used in the cruelist way by this man. By the time she found out about his lies she was deeply involved. She knows what she has to do and I suspect that by now she has ‘done the deed’. Liars cand chets can be very devious and it can take months to see through the lies. I think Angela was as much a victim of this man as everyone else in his life.
Angela was a victim of this man too, he used her and lied to her, but now that she knows the truth there is only one option, break of all contact with him.
I’d be interested to know the statistics of how many long term happy relationships begin as extra-marital affairs.
I think it’s obvious that everyone involved in affairs doesn’t necessarily look toward a full-time relationship with the other person.
Hello again… Update. from my original post, the man I’m in love with went through a lot (I’ll leave the gory out)… I left him and left him alone. I dated other men, I live my life as a functioning person (he isn’t the only man that walks this earth) I have an enormous amount of self respect and esteem and I know I don’t need a man to be happy. He went to mediation and has since followed through with his divorce. He is still in love with me and wants to have a life together, committed. The thing is…. it’s my decision if I want that with him or anyone else. Interesting isn’t it…. how our choices make all the difference in the world. Be strong and don’t compromise yourselves. Much love to you hurting.
Taggart, you make an interesting point. Are there any statistics on this? It is hard to be sure when I have never been in the situation, but I can’t imagine that I would ever contemplate dating a married man, I just think it is wrong. If he was divorced I would still be very cautious because I wouldn’t want to get involved with someone with a lot of ‘baggage’.
I know that this is very hard for you today, but I think that you should start withdrawing from the situation. If he really wants you he will leave his wife. If he doesn’t (leave his wife OR love you) it’s better that you find that out now.
Bkspce… From what I read of your situation, you seem to be in a place where you can make a decision about being with him, after he’s taken some positive steps toward a life with you. I realize it’s tough to get the whole picture in brief posts, but it sounds very positive at your end, right?
I’m sorry, but I have to share some words of caution. A man who will treat his wife like that will not thik twice about treating you in the same way. How can you be sure there are not other women and other promises? If he is going to leave his wife and children let him do that and get a divorce before you think of a relationship. Then if you decide you want him, take things very slowly or you may live to regret it.
I’m sorry but deltic is right to be cautious. You may think you know and trust him, but please take things very slowly and be very cautious about this man.
Taggart… yes, my situation is very positive. I know there are a lot of people out there wanting to say what an ass hole a man is for doing what he did to his wife or what a terrible person you are for falling in love with a married man. You know, there are people who never find love. I have felt true love and I thank God for that because he is the only man I have really loved. Yes! I really can love!
There is always two sides to every story. So about my guy. I am tired of saying “my guy” so I am going to call him T. I know what T did to remedy his messed up situation was selfish and immature. We have talked a lot about it and I to this day don’t understand why he made the decisions that he did, I will never. However, I know he was hurting because of his choices… he went back and tried to make it work. I left him completely alone and went about my business, positively.
After the initial break down, I glued myself together and with my head held high, self respect intact, I moved on. Amazing things happened to me because of it….. I have been on both sides of this issue. The OW and the wife who was cheated on. I understand all of it. I know what I did to help cause the demise of my marriage and why he ran to another woman. I understand what it is to be the other woman, even though I had no idea I was, and being in love with the man of my dreams and how hurtful it can be when you hear that he just doesn’t know. I understand the husband and how he is feeling because of being in love with someone else and feeling the confusion of it all.
It is very difficult to get the whole story in these posts. If anyone wants to hear the rest of my story and how it is ending, you may contact me directly. Please don’t abuse my email address, I am giving it to those who could use a hug today and in an honest attempt to help heal a broken heart whether you are the OW, the wife or the husband. Find me at uto_p_a@yahoo.com
Good luck to you all and I wish the happiest happy for everyone.
It sounds like you have quite a bit of experience in the situation, from different perspectives.
I’d share the advice to be careful to everyone – And it’s good to hear that you’re in a positive place.
Bkspce, I really hope things work out for you, but hang on to that caution. My husband hasn’t beeb married before, but he does have ‘history’. I knew all about it from the start and I thought I understood, but it has taken several years for me to really get the full picture of what I am dealing with. We are still together and mostly we are happy, but I had no idea it was going to be such a challenging and sometimes painful process of discovery and understanding. As long as you are prepared to face the unexpected you should be OK.
Hi
I’ve read everybodys comments and have to say I myself am involved with a married man. I did not know in the beginning he was married, I had to work this out for myself as so many things ‘didnt add up’ I know the right thing to do would be to end it, he lied to me in the beginning as he said he’d been divorced 18 months!! I just dont know if id have the strength to finish it, how do i do it?? I think about doing it then think if i do what if he was going to leave her like he said he would and i didnt give it that chance. im so confused, does anybody have any advice. Hes let me down again tonight as we were meant to be going out however 1 phone call later im now staying in as his wife has left him a voicemail telling him to ‘get home!!’ What should I do? Please anyone, id be grateful for your comments x