POSTED BY JT – A READER CONTRIBUTED STORY
I have been married for 12 years. We have been through everything together and never once did the other have doubts in the other. He has always been in Law Enforcement, never had any worries or doubts about his love for me or the family we have.
For 2 months now, I found out he is cheating. and Yea I have undeniable proof. I have tried talking and asking questions, but he has explanations for all it. My next step will be to go to HER house when he there. Any suggestions?
Your Plan: Confront my partner / Work it out
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Is your partner is cheating on you and you don't know what to do? Tell us your story and ask for our reader's advice.
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This is a tough situation. I think you should resolve it with him, because after all, HE is the one cheating on you. Maybe you can wait for him outside, although I totally can see myself doing the same thing. Just try not to be violent, and keep your dignity above everything else.
Before you go there, are you absolutely sure you know what you want to get from going? If you want an admission, I don’t think finding him there will help, not unless you can surprise them in a very embarrassing position. And the odds against timing it that well are just huge … more likely you’ll show up a little too early or a little too late, and they’ll have some perfectly innocent excuse. Plus, you’ll put them on their guard, so that next time they’ll be a lot sneakier, and maybe you’ll think it is all over between them when it’s not.
Sorry to be so depressing, but when I have tried to catch my wife during any one of her affairs, it has never quite worked. Usually, if I wait, she’ll admit it after a while, but not because I found some special way to make her confess. She just does. With one of them, I knew about it for years before she ever admitted it.
And yes, I agree 100% with berlinlife06 that you have GOT to stay non-violent and non-angry, and keep your dignity. Otherwise he is going to compare the two of you: and if he sees you angry or screaming or crying, while SHE stays cool and calm, … who is he going to want to be with? If you ever meet the two of them together, your BEST hope is to be steady, cool, and poised, and out-class her. You want to make sure that HE thinks you look way cooler, way classier, way more desirable than SHE does.
It’s not easy. I’m sorry you have to go through this.
Before you do anything,, have you decided what outcome you seek?
If he is cheating and won’t admit it, what are your options? If he finally admits it, what are your options?
If you go to the other woman, what are your options?
I´ve been thinking about this, and I would suggest that you consider all the posible scenatios and outcomes to this action. Then, you might make a decision with your brain and not your heart.
Do not confront the other woman. That is a surefire way to lose that dignity you want to maintain. If you’re certain of the affair and have facts to back it up. Confront your husband, explain to him what you expect from him and how YOU want to proceed within the marriage. Do not give him any say in how HE thinks things should be. He is the one who broke the marriage vows, not you.
This is a very unpleasant situation, weigh your options carefully, can you still trust him in your marriage if he decides to end this affair?
It might be wise to investigate the divorce laws in your state, and hire a lawyer, without confronting your husband and/or the other woman.
You may find that you maintain the advantage if you gather the evidence, and file for divorce without tipping your hand.
If you alert your husband that you are aware of his infidelity, you give him a chance to hide assets or to create a defense that may make your moving on in the best financial shape, impossible.
Sage is right, confronting him may give you some short lived satisfaction, but you need to look after yourself long term, see a lawyer for advice before you do anything.
Sage: Yours is another angle to consider. Confronting him may not be the answer, if your decision to divorce him has been made. But, if you still want to continue w/the marriage, I still believe confrontation may be the way to go.
I didn´t think of the divorce laws being different for every state… I guess that changes many things to consider.
Do you think confrontation can be instrumental in changing how the wayward spouse views the offended spouse?
I could see where, in some circumstances, the shock that the offended spouse has actually discovered the infidelity would cause the cheater to rethink his disrespectful attitude.
Could that be another reason for the confrontation? To let him know that you aren’t stupid, regardless of what happens with the marriage in the end?
It must be hard for her, knowing that he is touching annother woman and lying (by not coming clean)to her about it. And basically pretending things are normal.
My wife was cheating. I found out and she was supposed to tell him it was over and I knew. See told him that the affair was over but did nto tell him I knew, so he kept hitting on her. Maybe she wanted it. Maybe sje continued I do not know. I regret confronting him and telling his wife, but stay non violent, I came close to ruining my life and my children because he came very very close twice to having his head blown clean off with a 45 automatic with a hollow point explosive charge. I only mention it because the affair almost made me go out of control. It has been years but I must say I still have the desire that he knows I knew, how close he came to ruining lives more than he did (my wife too)and ley him deal with all the pain I did with his wife. I suggest if you think you will want out to slowly shift money, get control of the house, assets slowly, do something to throw him out with nothing. Then tell him why he is where he is. I divorced my wife as she wanted to stay but I would only let her if she agreed to sign everything over to me, she kept he secret with the kids and family and pretend she is the model mother and wife. She knows if she does something now she will be on the street and all the people she knows will knwo why. Too controling, ys probably buyt she did nto keep the vows or even keep the agreement to tell him I knew and one of them get a differnt job. We bot have paid dearly and it was a non christian way to go but it ws they only way we would stay together. And no, the relationship is still damaged but it was her choice as after seeing 3 therapists she would not do the work to make it work as it should have. Sad but it is my story. Find another path than confronting. “If keeping dignity” does not quite get it, find another way as I did.
Liza,
I bet he feels that something is up, but doesn’t want to find out what it is. It sounds like he thinks he has everything under control, which is another good reason to check with an attorney and get everything in place for a divorce, before confronting him.
Fisrt of all you have no idea what he told her. For all she knows he could be single Don’t forget HE is the snake who broke the vows. Guys that cheat don’t just lie to their wife BUT to anyone their banging to maybe make it seem not as bad.Whats the point in confronting her? She doesn’t owe you anything and he owes you everything!
You want to see her. Oh thats good so if you decide to take him back you now have a face to imagine him fucking.
I wrote about this on another entry homewrecker section I for the love of god will never get why the women always want to confron the other woman. I can see if she KNOWINGLY has been with him and she KNOWS about you or if it’s someone who smiles in your face daily,yes tell them their scum but SO IS HE!!! Women get so caught up and hell bent on blaming her only,for some reason I find this REALLY annoying.
Hers what to do ,hire an investigator to take photos,don’t do it yourself becasue your to emotional and will blow it. Hire a lawyer after the proof is their and he owes you everything!! Leave him,if he cheats he’ll cheat again but please don’t be one of thee Jerry Springer mentality borads who take him back but continue to lash out at her!!!
I have to say that I agree with DebraJean, SageMother and Tara. They all make interesting points.
Do you really want to continue this marriage? You have to decide what is good for you. If you confront this woman, it will only provide temporary satisfaction. (Also, you don’t know what he has told her. She might be just as innocent as you.)
But all in all, you have to make the decision. You know that you want him to stop the affair, but then what?
Are you going to take him back? If so, demand that he stops the affair and present YOUR TERMS to continue the marriage.
If you don’t want him back, get a lawyer, mark your assets and get a divorce.
You have to make the choice!
I think that confronting him at HER house will do no good and may well be dangerous. You never know what high emotions can do for a situation until your smack dab in the middle of it.
I share the others’ concerns about confronting her at her house. I think that could be potentially dangerous, depending on the type of person you’re dealing with.
Are you positive that your husband has never cheated on you before? Policemen rate pretty high on the infidelity list. They also have handguns; I’d think twice before confronting him.
I was just wondering how this worked out? It was a brave step to confront him when he was with her, but I wonder if it was the best way to go as it would almost certainly have escalated the situation and made for a very acrimonious split.
yes it would be interesting to see which advice was taken.. I personally would not bother with confronting the other woman, except maybe to let her know what a cheating lying rat she was g etting involved with… one thing about cheats… they are repeat offenders…
That’s true Stave, I am not sure that I would have confronted the other woman, but if JT needed to do that at least she would have made him face the her with the truth. He wouldn’t be able to explain it away.
that is assuming that the other woaman wasn’t already fully aware that he was married, and just didn’t care.
I doubt that I would have confronted her either… to what end? The damage with the husband is already done and I would have most likely just left. Well no, had HIM leave.
Can’t see any positive that could have come from marching myself over to her house when he was there.
I wouldn’t disagree with you Katharina, it would not be my way of dealing with the situation (at least I don’t think it would) but we are all different and perhaps for some people it brings some sort of closure.
Closure generally needs to have some positive results achieved. I can’t think of any for this besides inflicting even more pain on myself having to see this woman up close and personal.
*Maybe* a phone call to say what is needed to be said would bring the closure but not make the wound deeper… not sure.
Going anywhere near this woman, who has the baby you’ve been longing for and not been able to have, would surely cause you nothing but pain.