17 Responses

• Imaginary Diva on November 28th, 2008 at 3:18 pm

  Thanks for dropping by!

• SageMother on November 29th, 2008 at 10:14 am

  It sounds like there is more than one obstacle here. Where the first problem lies in there having only been over for 6 months. This may not be enough time for mourning. He may need more time.

  I can’t tell, from what you wrote, how long he had been in the previous relationship, but the dynamics of the previous relationship may take more than a couple of years to dissipate, unless he finds a relationship with the same features, meaning a new female partner would have to be the dominant, controlling personality in the relationship. Some women find being dominant uncomfortable.

  Have you asked him about his last relationship? This conversation would reveal if he seeks another dominant woman or not, which would help you decide whether or not to pursue a deeper relationship with him.

  Have you asked?

• Liza on December 1st, 2008 at 6:32 pm

  If you can manage to be his friend without making too much demand for him to return your feelings. That may be able to help him get over, just be there to care for him.

• debrajean on December 2nd, 2008 at 5:04 pm

  A man who has been in a controlling relationship, most likely has a controlling mother. If this is how he was brought up, this is what he’s comfortable with and most likely, subconsciously seeks this out in a partner. If you’re uncomfortable with that kind of relationship, have a heart to heart with him about what your expectations are from him and what kind of person you are. If after 6 months with you, he hasn’t figured it out, nows the time to place it on the table.

• justontime on December 3rd, 2008 at 1:57 am

  SageMother has given you some good advice. I think he is telling you that he is not ready to move on yet. Don’t rush him into something he is not comfortable with, it will just bring unhappiness for both of you.

• SageMother on December 4th, 2008 at 8:36 am

  I have known “submissive” males who didn’t have controlling mothers. Each person, male or female, has certain personality traits that emerge during their childhood and are independent of how they are treated by parents.

• Liza on December 5th, 2008 at 5:31 am

  Sometimes it’s really uncomfortable talking about painful memories of childhood, when you become an adult and you realize how things affected you and cause you to have a particular image of yourself. It’s not easy.

• SageMother on December 5th, 2008 at 11:05 am

  Liza, this is true. It isn’t easy, but I think that most people would find the exercise worthwhile, even if they never shared the information with anyone else.

  Sometimes, it is revealing these things to others that is the most difficult part of the exercise.

• berlinlife06 on December 5th, 2008 at 6:20 pm

  Have you thought that maybe his former relationship is an excuse not to enter into a new one? Maybe he is not ready yet to get himself into something that might make him feel uncomfortable.

• kernow on April 2nd, 2009 at 1:31 pm

  Maybe he really wasn’t ready for another relationship, or maybe he was scared of getting himself involved in another relationship. I think it would be a very slow process for him to feel ready for a serious relationship.

• deltic on May 7th, 2009 at 4:28 pm

  I wonere why more people don’t take a bit of timeto get themselves together after a bad relationship before getting into anything else.

• poster25 on May 19th, 2009 at 7:06 am

  It has only been 6 months. He still needs time to get over his ex girlfriend.

  Unfortunately, she still has the control over their relationship. Because of his present feelings, it will be very easy for her to get him back if she changes her mind about their relationship. Be prepared for this possibility.

  If there isn’t any chance of their reconciling, then he has to accept this and move on. Give him some time to realize this.

  Be his friend. Do not rush him. When he is ready to move on, hopefully he will see that you were a great comfort and be ready to start a wonderful relationship with you.

• Taggart on May 31st, 2009 at 2:21 pm

  I think it’s really hard to say what kind of a road you’d be in for just from the description above – I mean relationships can be very complex. I’m sure many people could be healed by a caring partner, while others may have lingering issues that get in the way, even though they should be moving on.

  Best of luck in your situation.

• chris1203 on June 4th, 2009 at 7:57 am

  It sounds like he has not had enough time to mourn his previous relationship. I think that you should either back off slightly and give him some space or try to get him into counsling.

• Imaginary Diva on August 22nd, 2009 at 1:03 pm

  SageMother, six months definitely is not enough.

  Artemis, if he hasn’t decided that he wants to be with you after a few months of being togheter then there is a bigger problem than what you are understanding. Some men like the control of emotional play. And, he’s not interested in getting serious. If he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend by now, then he’s really not into you.

• Imaginary Diva on October 11th, 2009 at 5:48 pm

  Debrajean, that is such a great insight.

  Think about the kids too….. Do you really want them growing up with the same complex?

• Tara Tulips on October 18th, 2009 at 1:00 am

  Aaa baggage,we all have it. My boyfriend of two years has a great philosphy but not everyone can share. Everyone deserves a clean slate. I couldn’t agree more. I ha some trust issues when we got together and he eventually told me. I love you but I won’t pay for his mistakes. I deserve a get a clean slate with you if you can’t get past it them I’m sorry.

  I think you should step back a bit too.