While doing some maintenance work on his computer, I came across pictures of his sister’s friend, who was topless. He claimed he had asked her to stop sending them and had only saved the pictures as a way to insure she would. I accepted his explanation as I have never had reason to distrust him in the past.
Well, a couple months later, I found an inappropriate picture of a female coworker whom I thought had a crush on him. I talked to him about this, trying to be as emotionless and non confrontational as possible. I explained to him that I can’t stop some girl from sending him pictures, but HE has the power to delete them and put a stop to it.
Since that talk, I’ve found other pictures of his friends in various stages of undress: a high school friend laying in bed with her breasts exposed and another woman fully nude. We had a huge blow-out about it, and I told him I’m going to leave if it doesn’t stop. He begged me to stay, says he’s so sorry, that he didn’t mean to hurt me, doesn’t know why they send him pictures etc.
I’m pretty sure he’s not physically cheating on me. We spend almost all our time together, and besides these pictures, he behaves normally. Our sex life is good, we go out, we genuinely enjoy each others’ company. So what’s his deal? Does he just want to get pictures of girls he knows for fun? I mean, I don’t care about porn; that’s fantasy and healthy. But I do have a problem of pornographic photos of girls he knows! I just need some perspective as to why he’s doing this and is this a valid reason to end our relationship?
Nichole
You’ve come up with a real doozy! I mean your boyfriend, of course, not your story.
You ever hear the adage, “Fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me… you can’t get fooled again. Wait, that was the George W. Bush version. What I meant to say, Nichole, is that your boyfriend is playing you for a fool, and, at a certain point, the responsibility falls upon you to take action. That point was about three nude women ago.
Now, when you’re dealing with a four-year relationship in which you’re living together, “taking action” is not something that should be undertaken lightly. Before you pack up your things and move out, you need to have an authentic conversation with him. My concern, naturally, is that he’ll say all the right things to keep you, thereby setting you up for your fifth rendition of “fool me once”.
It’s clear, Nichole, that you WANT to believe him, because breaking up would send your life into turmoil, because blinding yourself to the truth is easier than facing it. Otherwise, I can’t think of any other reasons that a bright, self-aware woman who calls porn “healthy” would believe a whopper like:
He claimed he asked her to stop sending the pictures and only saved them as a way to insure she would stop sending them.
Um, I don’t get it.
I mean, I’m turning it over logically in my head, and I just can’t follow. If he retains the pictures on his hard drive, it PREVENTS more pictures from coming in? Who knew? And who knew that deleting the offending photographs was so tricky? After all, when I get junk mail that I don’t want, I generally… save it all in a folder marked Personal. I mean, who wouldn’t keep all the disgusting unwanted porn that infiltrated his computer? But then again, what choice did he have - what with her sending those nude photographs against his will.
This leads me to my favorite whopper - one that could only have been borrowed from the playbook of a four-year-old who doesn’t know enough about life to lie effectively.
He doesn’t know why they send him pictures.
Yeah, you know how women are - forcing their breasts upon our unsuspecting innocent male eyes, no how matter how much we plead with them to stop.
Like last month’s post from the woman whose husband left her for 18 months, cheated on her, and wants to come back, you’ve become quite adept at ignoring the same advice that you’d give to any girlfriend.
As for your actual question: Why is he doing this and is this a valid reason to end our relationship?
Only you can determine whether this is a valid reason to end your relationship. If you can manage to not be perpetually hurt at his mental adultery, you’re far stronger than most women. There are couples that believe in polyamory - he cheats, she loves him anyway. It’s your call, darlin’. I certainly won’t judge you for staying - but only if YOU’RE comfortable with his penchant for friend-porn.
As to why he’s doing this: Maybe he’s got a wandering eye, maybe he’s a porn addict, maybe he’s a voyeur. You won’t know any of this until you confront him directly, and demand a real answer - not some fairy tale about nasty women who won’t leave him alone. And if you don’t get a real answer - an actual admission that he’s done something wrong and needs to atone immediately (with a zero strikes policy in the future) - you have to have the guts to say goodbye.
Otherwise, this email is just another exercise for the sake of itself. Like the unemployed person who doesn’t look for work, or the heavy person who won’t stop gorging, you’ve turned yourself into a victim of laziness and fear and willful ignorance. It’s nobody’s fault but your own if you get fooled again.
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About the Author - Evan Marc Katz
Founder of online dating consulting service E-Cyrano and author of Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not To Get Mad” and “I Can’t Believe I’m Buying this Book: A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating,” Evan Marc Katz has established himself as America’s leading dating expert.
Thanks for dropping by!
I feel sad about your pain, no woman should have to through this, once, twice and more times. I think if you threaten to leave him and actually start packing you stuff (if it’s his apartment) he will get the picture.
Well there was an advert for afteshave a few years ago that had women’s clothes starting to undo themselves after one sniff of the man’s fragrance, but in the real world I find it very hard to believe that women would send him provocative photos unless he had encouraged them to do so. It may be that there is no physical unfaithfullness, but he has hidden the photos and he is clearly not telling the full truth about what is going on. Personally I don’t think it is OK to mess around with friends and colleagues in this way. I would want to know why he feels the need to do this and if I felt he was still not telling me the truth I would find it hard to continue the relationship.
You should pick up a book called WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS by Sandra Brown, MA — don’t be put off by the title.
It will explain him and your reactions — which will help you get clarity.
Perhaps he is not discouraging them from sending those pictures and maybe he is smiling about them and telling them how good they looked so they keep sending more.
I situations like this, it is probably better to ignore the fellow’s reasons, and focus on what your personal limits are, then alter the situation, on your end, so that it falls within your personal parameters.
There is no reason to listen to reasons if you aren’t willing to live with a situation.
I think Sage Mother’s advice is good. I was once in a situation where I had to do exactly as Sage suggests. To me the most hurtful thing was feeling I was being fobbed of with a lie. Once he managed acknowledge what he had done we were able to communicate properly and deal with it. The reason mattered up to a point, it stopped me feeling it was my fault and it made him face up to his ‘performance’ issues and get help.
Having no opportunity to “explain away” a behavior leaves the perpetrator powerless, which is a feeling they don’t enjoy.
It may do more to change their behavior than discussing it.
I can see what you mean, I hadn’t tohought of it in that way before, but it makes sense.
I firmly believe that if expresses his dissatisfaction about those mails that are sent to him, they will stop. so the ball is in his court.
I’m so sorry for your situation, but I do think that you want to believe his excuses when the evidence is very clear. You are too good for this crap, honey. Get out of the situation.
This fellow’s being “passive” in this situation is a great cover for his secret enjoyment!
I wonder how ‘passive’ he is really being? I still find it hard to believe that women would send him compromising photos unless he was encouraging them to do so. The fact that these women are known to his partner either suggests that he wants to live dangerously or that he isn’t that bothered about being found out.
This guy is a crook! I wouldn’t believe him. I am beginning to wonder whether the nude pictures are all that he UP to! I think he might have more things under his sleeve. Sorry for being so negative on this issue as I have been in the same situation as you before!
I would keep my eyes open for any other sign, because the pictures may even be the beginning of an affair. Keep your eyes open.
I think I wouldn’t even trust the first pictures! If you don’t want something, then you don’t get it. Specially revealing pictures. I don’t think that many people are willing to reveal so much of themselves unless there is some more intimacy or some special relationship between them!
The more I think about it the more I am convinced that these women would not send him suggestive photos unless he was encouraging them to do so.
Well, he is probably actually asking for the photos!
This is one of those situations where one needs to cut their losses, and leave the relationship.
This fellow is never going to be truthful.
I can’t imagine trying to deny something so obvious! But a couple of days ago I was talking with a friend and she revealed to me that she was blindly in love with her ex, and if her ex would want it, she would go back to him in a second. Her ex cheated badly with her best friend!
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