I’ve started commenting on other people’s posts, so it is only fair that I tell my story. This will be very condensed: you can find a lot more detail on my blog http://hoseasblog.blogspot.com
My wife and I have been married 25 years. During that time she has had five affairs that I know about; she is currently involved in a very heavy-duty Internet flirtation (relationship) with a sixth guy, someone she has never met in person.
In all that time, I have stayed with her, and sometimes it is hard for me to understand why. There are easy reasons — we have kids, for one. But I stayed with her through at least two affairs before we ever had kids. Some days I think it is just stubbornness. Some days I wonder if I am just so needy that I couldn’t do without her. Some days I think it is because I worry about the very poor decisions she makes on her own — including the affairs! — and so I conclude that she needs me there to keep from driving her life over a cliff. And some days I think it’s because I don’t have the imagination to look at the long term, but just keep plodding along putting one foot in front of the other.
All I know for sure is that I have never been able to believe the reasons that I hear from other people for leaving their cheating spouses. One man tells me that only by leaving can he get the happiness he deserves in life; but I can’t remember anybody ever promising me happiness. Isn’t there an old saying, “Man is born to trouble as the sparks fly upwards”? Another fellow tells me that he could never forgive his wife if she did what mine has done. But when I really focus, and try to think about it long and hard, the only voice I can hear in my brain whispers the advice “Love her.”
And I do. That’s part of it also.
There is NO WAY my answer will work for everybody. It might not work for anybody else besides me. If it doesn’t work for you, don’t feel bad — I’m sure you’re not alone.
But this is where I find myself today. It can be baffling.
Thanks for dropping by!
Why He Stays ……….
I’ve started commenting on other people’s posts, so it is only fair that I tell my story. This will be very condensed: you can find a lot more detail on my blog http://hoseasblog.blogspot.com
My wife and I have been married 25 years. During that t…
I really feel encouraged by your writing, I certainly hope your wife changes for the better. I think you deserve better.
I respect your decision, I’m not sure I could do the same in your circumstances but I really hope things improve for you
I probably would forgive the first time, but afterwards I am afraid we would have to separate because I think that the marriage is not respected. We could still be friends, but not continue to have sexual relationship.
For many people, once they have decided to love, the issue is settled. No matter what their spouse does, leaving isn’t an option.
Often, stability is more important than the affairs. It can be more difficult to rebuild a life after divorce, than it is to simply accept that a partner isn’t monogamous by nature.
I do wonder sometimes if the spouse that is being unfaithful knows that the other won’t leave them, no matter what, so they feel comfortable maintaining their ’straying’ habits. I do wonder…..
Perhaps that is true in some circumstances but we are complex beings and as Sage Mother points out some people choose not to leave whatever happens.
I had an interesting conversation with a fellow last week. He had remained in a relationship with an unfaithful partner for several years, but finally left.
He was waiting.
He waited until his partner was in a position of great financial distress, then left. He did this because he figured out that she wouldn’t have the money to file for a formal separation, meaning that she wouldn’t be able to hire an attorney to help her through the process of asking for financial support.
He has established residency in a new state where he is going for file for divorce, and she won’t have the finances to attend the hearing, meaning he will win what he wants by default. He isn’t hiding, but he has out maneuvered her.
This is one of those examples of controlled anger and revenge that we rarely see, but it happens.
Sometimes they stay because they have a plan!
I think the answer why you stay is that you do, indeed, love her. Whether your love for her is hurting you, however, is something only you can answer.
People are all different and their reasons for choosing to stay are varied and complex. I think it is much harder to leave if children are involved.
I know of a couple that decided to stay together because of their children. But they had an understanding of sorts, and both were “cheating”. I don’t know if that was the best solution, but they seem happy and are still together.
Berlinlife, they may be happy but it’s certainly not healthy, because the children are going to grow up thinking that that is the acceptable way to live, and it’s not.
I don’t think it is fair to say something is not healthy when we are not in that situation. Their way may not work for us and we may not approve of their choices, but we are all different, if it works for them and their children, it is their business.
I do understand what you are saying Justontime, and I agree. but I made that point from the background of socialization, when they go out in the wider society they may have problems adjusting.
I sympathize w/ u, as I have been n ur same shoes
I was not married 4 nearly as long, but my ex-husband & I did date 4 12yrs. b4 our 4 1/2 yr. marriage. He cheated b4 we got married, but when he finally proposed, I really wanted 2 believe he had changed. After about a yr. 1/2 of our marriage, my “instincts”-u kno. the female intuitions started kicking in. (& they haven’t failed me so far. Our marriage (or so-called!)started declining from there..The secrets he would keep..The betrayal & so on & so forth.. He was my life & my everything. We practically grew up 2gether, or at least all of my “important” yrs. of my life, I felt he had stripped or stolen from me. I didn’t have any solid-proof other than his behavior, but I really didn’t need any..My point is that I understand why u hang in there. U want so badly 4 them 2 change & love definitely plays a huge role because we didn’t even have any children..thank goodness because I did good 2 pick up my own pieces after our divorce. It’s been 3 1/2 yrs. & of course he’s remarried, has a child & is still no happier than he was. He did finally admit 2 numerous affairs. I don’t know if that would have changed anything, other than the fact of making him show me some “accountability”..maybe we could have gone 2 counseling..I dunno..He blames it on an “addiction” which I have also researched. I know u weren’t asking 4 any advice, but it sounds 2 me that whatever u & ur wife r doing-it’s not working..& sumthing has 2 change or ur going 2 b n this same “rut” 4-ever..That’s why I chose 2 leave.I could not imagine dealing w/ infidelity 4 the rest of my life. I am 2 young & it wuz literally driving me crazy! There has 2 b committment from both parties & trust me; I have had 3 yrs. 2 think about it; wonder what we could have done differently; but there are worse things than being alone.
Good luck because u are going 2 need it if something does not change
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