Always, always, give yourself 6 months to a year before you give your heart to a man (woman) who comes on strong in the beginning. It is critically important that we learn how to pay close attention to any inner guidance that you receive that something isn’t right. I had never heard of Narcissistic Personality Disorder ( N) or experienced being involved with one prior to 2005.
It is important to remember this because these people are “HUNTERS OF THE VULNERABLE”. This is the crime, the most devastating aspects of these types of relationships. In the very beginning they intentionally seek out any individual that they feel they can trap and “USE”. The operative term is “USE”. The definition of love for them is “USE”. The term “LOVE” and “USE” is one and the same.
In the beginning they study you, wine and dine you, and learn to mirror exactly the traits that you are looking for and are desiring in a mate. Once they have done this for a period, 6 months to a year, and they know that they have won your heart and you are seduced….they switch. They show their true colors and nature; they are all Controlling, verbally abusive, sometimes and oftentimes physically abusive, and EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE. RAGE, out-of-control rage is directed towards you at anytime that you do not do what they tell you to do. The rage is disproportionally administered in comparison to he crime that they perceive you have committed against them. For instance, if you drop a cola on them and they believe that you did it on purpose…they will set your house on fire (….this is no exaggeration. Maybe not a good analogy…but the comparisons of the insignificants of a dropped cola on clothing and the response of revenge for this action being that of having the N set your house of fire IS NOT AN EXAGGERATION! Any, any, any, slight that they feel is devastasting to them, will be noted. And when they decide there is hell to pay….you will be in hell.
And rest assured, if the N that you are dating is classified as one who enjoy’s sex …there will always, always, always be other women. He will demand that you believe everything that he tells you and dare not question his reality, which will always be totally different than yours. In a nut shell, any woman that decides to stay with a N will have to do and be the following:
1. Allow him to distort your thinking and twist your reality to match his.
2. You must take the blame for everything. He is never wrong.
3. He will control your time, and your money.
4. He will emotionally abuse you with silent treatment and ignoring you.
5. You will have to pretend that you know nothing about the other women. He will not be confronted.
In my case, my N had his own business. I eventually learned that when you wanted into this store front, you were walking into a lions den or a spider web. He was and is a very debonniare, goodlooking, and well educated gentleman. He made you feel like you were No.1! As he listened tentatively to him you feel that you have found someone truly interested in you, but what he is actually doing is interviewing you and gathering information to see what is inside of your well wrapped package of goodies. He wants to know if you have or own anything that he can use to make his life better. And trust me…you have to have something to bring to the table. As he is actually looking for someone to take care of him and cater to him. Often under the disguise of developing a business partnership or friendship…he ends up sleeping with the selected women of his choice that holds his interest. Now this is how he does it:
He has one “Primary” girlfriend that he allows live with him. However, he often wants her to stay at the house and never come or go to his place of business without calling first. His place of business is his playground and these women never go home with him, but he can cater to them and their needs there at the store or at their homes. If he ever gets in a bind, flipping women, or having to change up at the last minute, he can and does say that a client called or something has come up with the business and he is off the hook.
When he meets a new woman that he is serious about including in his life on a regular basis or is preparing to drop the current girlfriend. He preps the new interest by telling her well in advance that he has just gotten out of a relationship and the old girlfriend (who actually is still the current girlfriend) but the supposed old girlfriend is having a hard time accepting the breakup and she is stalking him, calling him, and pestering him and that he and she (the new interest) will have to be a little cautious until the old girlfriend ( who is mentally distraugth about the breakup) has made the adjustment.
In the meantime, the current girlfriend has no idea he has a new interest, but he starts to, all of a sudden (discarding her and devaluing her). It comes out of the blue. He starts calling you names, picking fights, spending less time with you, and telling you not to come around. Now mind you, it could be just two weeks to 1 month earlier that this man has told you that he loves you, that his home is your home (Oh, I forgot…he now tells you that he doesn’t want or need a live in girlfriend). Whereas he had included you in family events, that is no longer the case.
It is emotionally disturbing and it is a shock because he has had time to prepare for the breakup and already has someone else while you have been thinking everything is alright and you are blindsided. This is emotionally, pyschologically, and physically devastating. As this man has charmed you like no other in the beginning. But as soon as he has used you up or he has found someone else who has more to offer or something better….he drops you.
This will by no means be a complete answer, because I’m not an expert…just have some experience with these folks. Great damage gets done to an N’s victim because N’s are often very charming and clever, and when a relationship is new they overwhelm you with what you think is true affection and caring. Unless you’ve experienced their type before, you can’t comprehend the possibility that they could be so double-minded. I think that’s one of the greatest benefits of this website…people who are reeling from these situations learn that many people have been blindsided by a Narcissist’s ability to dazzle and charm during the idealization phase. And I understand this phase can go on for quite a while in some cases.
A normal person has empathy and will often get sucked into a narcissist’s web by feeling sorry for the narcissist. A narcissist has no concept of empathy and will not hesitate to make all kinds of sad claims to get the empathetic normal person to help them.
The moral is never never never do anything for a narcissist. They don’t need your help. They can get hundreds and hundreds of empathetic people to help them who are NOT YOU. So do yourself a favor and ignore the narcissist.
My N saw me coming. He introduced himself to me and charmed me at a time that I was just getting out of a divorce, my mother was dying, I had had a car accident, and was in court with 4 different attorneys.
My N treated me like a queen, promised to marry me, told me my house was his home and promised to be by me. In exchange, I started to help him with his business, until I found out about 5 other women that he was seeing besides me during the 2 years that I was with him. I had to stop giving him money when I found out about the women. He denied the other women and after learning about 2 other women, I hired an investigator and he confirmed the truth. My N can never be criticized. He turned the table on me, accused me of stalking him, and when I threatened to take him to court to get the remainder of the money that I loaned him, he attempted to get me fired from my job. His new girlfriend thinks that I am having a difficult time letting go, but I was only attempting to stay in contact to get my money. He refused to take my calls, told me to stop coming to the store, and every attempt that I made to contact him about the money was taken and portrayed by him as stalking. As such, I had to stop all of it and take legal action. $20,000 was given over 2 years and the end result was that he treated me like a dog! This was the man that I loved who turned on me when he couldn’t get his way any longer. Please be careful and guard your heart and mind.
Thanks for dropping by!
Wow, I am so sorry to hear about your situation, but I agree, I know those kinds of guys and they really look forwards to trapping and using the most vulnerable of women.
Your best piece of advice came at the very beginning of your article. When starting a new relationship, take your time and be cautious. Thankfully most of us will not be unlucky enough to find a narcissist, but there are plenty of other unsuitable partners out there. Don’t get in too deep too soon.
The behaviors described here sound very similar to those encouraged in societies where men are allowed more than one wife, or hold all of the power with women being considered property.
That is an absolutely CHLLING portrayal of one with Narcissistic Personality Disorder but one that, I have no doubt, is very accurate. Thank you for sharing your story.
The thing about these people is that you have to be really careful, because they make you feel so loved and accepted and special, it’s hard not to fall for them.
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