STAGE 1: DENIAL This is where you start. “This can’t be happening to me.” “I thought I did everything right. Sure things weren’t perfect, but what marriage is?” Sound familiar. Everyone goes through this stage. You may even have had an inkling that your partner wasn’t happy, but none the less, it still hits you like a freight train! When they want out, it seems that there isn’t anything you can do about it! So you deny the truth. You deny that it’s real.
STAGE 2: ANGER There might not be any acceptance yet. This might be happening to me, but I still don’t think it’s fair! I don’t deserve this! You are furious! How could he? How could she? He said he would love you forever! But she doesn’t love you any more! How could God let this happen? You want to get even. You want to hurt him back.
STAGE 3: BARGAINING You are willing to settle for something that you would never settle for before. The anger fades and the bargaining begins. “Please just stay another night.” “Let’s try one more time.” “We can get through this.” But there isn’t any getting through it this time.
STAGE 4: DEPRESSION The bargaining didn’t work. She might not be staying and you really don’t even want her to at this point, but you still don’t really know what it is you do want. It’s over and so is the life I thought I had. Why even get up in the morning? The sadness feels overwhelming, but be strong. There is always hope.
STAGE 5: ACCEPTANCE Yes! You are here! The sun is still rising every morning! Your kids are okay. You are okay. Take a good look at you and say: “He left. He doesn’t want me, and I AM OKAY!” It still hurts. It still makes you mad, but you will make it. We’re coming to the end of the pain. Here comes the joy!
These stages are briefly exemplified, but they give you a good overall glimpse at what you may be going through. Your divorce, the death of your marriage, isn’t pretty but you will survive. Getting to acceptance is the goal and you will make it! Your marriage is done. You were mighty tempted to believe that you would not survive it. You are surviving. You are thriving. The marriage between you might be dead, but you are not. You are living.
About the Author – Len Stauffenger’s parents taught him life’s simple wisdom. As a divorced dad, he wanted to share that simple wisdom with his girls. “Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents,” his book, is the solution. Len is an author, a Success Coach and an Attorney. You can purchase Len’s book and it’s accompanying workbook at http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com
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That makes a lot of sense and it makes me want to read the book. It is so important that parents get it right for their children when they split up.
To prevent an affair or to get over an affair,the magic word are communication. It may not be easy, it may be really hard, but it is what you and your spouse need to practice. Every day, every night, just like you did when you were first in love.
Molly you are absolutely right, it can be really hard to be honest with your partner about the your most intimate feelings and fears, but it is the only way forward.
That’s tough, because after your feeling have been hurt and trodden on (on purpose)for you to come and share again, especially if the cheating spouse is not repentant.
Interesting way of using the 5 stages of death with divorce. I never thought of it that way, but it is true, it is the death of a marriage. And I know many people that can’t get over that feeling of loss.
In a case of one person being unfaithful, I find that they almost always blame the other spouse for something, it could be that they no longer found them attractive, they are too miserable,….something. They almost never take the blame for themselves.
It is that person’s fault that they were unfaithful, because they made that decision. However it is likely that there were unresolved issues within the relationship before the cheating happened. That does not in any way excuse the person who was unfaithful.
It is just in one attitude. If we are responsible and understand the consequence of our unfaithfulness, unfaithfulness and divorce will never get in the picture.
Please don’t ever blame your partner if it ever get into such a stage especially when you are the one who is unfaithful!
mollyL, isn’t that just a big dilemma – communicating better.
I’ve discovered that in some instances, some relationships just can’t be helped by communication because each part of the “we” are too different from each other that it’s hard to find a common ground.
Liza, it’s a total abuse of your trust. I think though, the sooner you accept, the sooner you can move forward to either forgive or forget.
The sad thing about it is even if they get back together, that memory will never ever be forgotten.
Liza you are right about the cheater justifying their behaviour by blaming the other spouse. The way I see it there is no excuse, if there are issues in the relationship the right thing to do is to address them with the other partner rather than looking elsewhere.
A cheater who is still not accepting the responsibility for his/her decisions is not mentally ready to work at saving their relationship. You have to accept that it is a lost cause.
Well put Deltic, it is hard to face up to that, but if you don’t you will just have more heartache ahead of you.
justontime, you are right. There is really no excuse for cheating. Marriage is for better or for worse. People should be thinking twice about making the problems worse.
I think it is a pity that some peope don’t really give enough thought to what is involved before they get married.
flowerhorn08, it’s not only attittude. I think understanding and listening are two components of a successful relationship.
I must admit that there have been times when I’ve “sort of” listen to what my husband says. And, this is where it all sometimes starts.