First let’s identify some of the problems that may happen because of a breakup.
1. You may compare your last partner to the one you’re currently with.
If your expectation of your partners high because of the standard set by your ex, you may get disappointed. Once you start to compare, problems may occur.
2. You don’t let your feelings go.
If you split apart because of “hard-to-get over” reasons (i.e. your ex cheated on you), it may take a while for you to give someone your heart.
So what should you do if you’ve been hurt?
Well you can:
1. Keep high expectations, but don’t base them on standards set by your last partner.
2. Take your time with your current partner. It may take a while for you to start trusting again. But if you really want someone to steal your heart, you need to put it out there. But don’t rush anything. Take things slow. And remember to give your partner a chance. They deserve an opportunity to prove to you that they’re different.
3. Talk to other people. Find out if they’ve ever been in a similar situation. You may receive words of encouragment. Find a support group or create one of your own.
To say “just get over your ex” isn’t nearly enough. If you’ve been in a long-term relationship or marriage, you have to understand that your current partner and your ex are two different people. Give him/her the opportunity to treat you better.
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When persons are hurt emotionally, there are different reactions, some go in search of the next partner while others stand off for a while and really get to know the current partner. I think the latter is the better choice.
It is one thing to get over an ex, but quite another to remove the lessons learned.
Where obsessing over the ex is not healthy, it is more dangerous to push hurtful events aside. There are lessons there that should be retained.
You are absolutely right SageMother, you should not bury hurtful events. Slowly you will realise that you have learned a lot about yourself and if you take time to learn from those experiences you can be stronger in the future.
Wait a minute–compare him to your current boyfriend? That’s just wrong.
It’s not fair to your current boyfriend, and it’s using and selfish on your part. You want to cry because your ex used you? Just what are you doing to your current? Sounds like alot of bad karma coming your way.
I don’t think it is likely that you would compare a new boyfriend to your ex. The clue is the prefix ‘ex’- something significant happened to break up the realaionship and it almost certainly was an unhappy time. Most people would remeember their ex in a less than glowing light.
After a broken relationship it is wise to take some time to feel at ease with yourself again before getting involved in another relationship.
Liza, I think so too. But a lot of people out there are lonely and no one really gets comfortable being on their own.
Sage and Justontime, when you say you should not bury them, do you mean you should always remember them, or you should remember the lessons learnt.
I believe that when something bad happens hou have to face up to it. That involves taking time to take care of your own feelings and to sort things out in your head. Why did it happen? Did your reaction make things better or worse? How can this be avoided in future? The questions will be different for each person and each situation. I believe that if you bury your feelings and your hurt, that situation will continue to have power in your life, but if you can face your feelings and deal with them you will be able to move on and the event will gradually sink back into your memory without having the power to damage you any more. You will have gained knowledge and experience and you will carry those lessons learned with you.
As I read my last answer I wasn’t sure if I had managed to explain myself clearly so I will try again. If a person has a deep physical wound it has to be healed from the inside out, otherwise it goes septic and the bad stuff gets trapped inside and makes the person feel worse. It is the same with deep emotional hurt, if you bury it inside without dealing with it it tends to fester, it nags away at you, makes you feel bad and it damages your confidence.
Okay, I understand and totally agree. You can learn from the “situation” and may never forget, but I believe if every time you remember it you feel angry all over again, something is wrong, because you should not be living in anger.
Imaginary Diva said Liza, I think so too. But a lot of people out there are lonely and no one really gets comfortable being on their own.
It is about being independent and not needing to take your identity or your worth from being part of a couple. Taking a little time to get over a broken relationship helps you to heal and makes you more confident and better able to enjoy a relationship when you are ready.
Once I was madly in love to the point of obsession. That relationship ended abruptly and very badly. I was so depressed… but I decided that I had to take her out of my system. So, I dated, and dated and dated! 2 years later I saw her again, and when for the second time she shoot me out of her life, I was not even bothered! She called me a couple of times, but I never called her again.
SageMother, sometimes it’s so hard to “just get over” it.
We have no control over our emotions and whoever said “first love never dies” is right about it. Eventhough it’s been decades ago, we still can’t stop remembering some of the emotions associated to that special time of your life.
It’s tough. That’s why I say - GO FOR THE REBOUND GUY.
justontime, life teaches us valuable lessons and this is how we become stronger as an individual.
And I do agree, situations like this needs to be “lived” in order to learn.
Imaginary Diva, going for the rebound guy is a nice concept, but in my experience at least, doesn’t help at all. And while the first love never dies because is “the first”, I think we have to give ourselves a chance to find other loves that are just waiting for us in life.
We can find love again, but we need to take a little bit of time to heal first.
There was something that helped me: I was trying to take my ex out of my mind constantly, just thinking about how bad things were. It helped me to see and feel the negative effect.
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