Regret involves guilt, feeling bad about something and to perceive it as a loss, but analyzing it from its polite point of view we find that it is used when expressing sorrow and most often to apologize or deliver bad news.
For those hurt by infidelity, the pain and disappointment are so deep that apologies as a polite expression or in its natural sense are useless and unappreciated. Thus, the ones who cheated will not feel loss, but a great pain seeing their partner down, hurt and possibly crying. Loss will occur later on, when they find themselves alone and wake up to reality.
What does he actually regret?
The loss and guilt endured by those who cheat puts them face to face with a cruel world. Robert Browning had written a poem and deciphering it we discover that the absence of the loved one has such a strong impact upon men consciousness that they suddenly wake up to reality. Then, the mistakes committed become clear and identified as sins towards God and the spouse, after which moral blame arises. Sometimes this process is purely accidental or influenced by sorrow strength, but it reveals that the man realizes his actions, fault and most importantly, that he mistakenly believed that happiness lays there. Unfortunately, without having his soulmate near, he feels lost and out of hope.
But, due to the fact that he still longs for what he did, the feeling of regret has not yet fully appeared.
Honest Regret
Even if more that 75% of the couples which get divorced due to infidelity regret it later, it has been noticed that, when men confess their evil deeds, they act naturally and avoid giving further information. This technique is a bad one from scratch, because trust has already disappeared and this behavior tells the victim that he is still stuck on infidelity, which is not always true.
An open-hearted regret offers the partner the liberty to analyze and clear up her emotions. She knows that forgiveness is an option, but this choice stays in her hands and it may be broken due to trust violation. Although everyone deserves a second chance, this decision depends and says at her discretion.
Surprisingly, a proof that men feel sorry is when they lie, and in that moment their loss is significant and painful. In this kind of situation, they hide their sins and do it because they strongly believe it won’t happen again.
In the celebrity world, there are men who truly regret their bad deeds, but some act quite normal when dealing with infidelity stating that ” there’s no room for sorrow. I admit I sometimes felt regret but refused myself to become imbued with it”. One thing is for sure: in order to learn their lesson they first must experience regret, tough risking their marriage and happiness is not the best solution.
The above statements show that although men might suffer a lot or only in the public eye, they are capable of sorrow and regret does exist in their world after infidelity deeds. But, time is an important aspect which is able to reveal their behavior, beliefs and distinguish them between loyal and unfaithful husbands.
About the Author – Jane A. Smith
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I think most of these men who are found out regrets being caught and in their hearts vows to be more discreet next time.
Unless a man is made of stone, the reaction of his wife would clue him in about whether she cares about the cheating,and hopefully that reaction will help the man to change his ways.
A lot of the men I know who cheat blames their cheating on their spouses about things that they are lacking.
Not if they are a Narcissist or Sociopath or pathological in some way, which many of them are. Then they are serial relationship predators.
Most of the blame-shift, project, gaslight and outright lie.
Here’s some examples:
http://cyberpaths.blogspot.com/2007/03/do-they-ever-admit-they-lied-or-twisted.html
“Do men feel regret?” Well, do women feel regret?
My wife has had at least 5 affairs since we were married, some of them lasting years. She tells me she feels guilty, she tells me she feels regret, and she lies about her involvements … but the “regret” is over the fact that I am in pain and the lying is so that I won’t confront her or hurt more. Not once has she expressed any sense that there was something wrong about the affairs themselves. (Oh yes, sometimes she has blamed the affairs on me, because I wasn’t a good enough husband.)
We are still married, so clearly I have forgiven her each time so far. Maybe your point is that she won’t have any reason to see that the affairs themselves were wrong unless I actually leave her. But I really don’t want to do that, at least not until the kids are grown ….
Short answer: I think it depends on the person. Your mileage may vary.
People who have done wrong often try to justify their actions by blaming other people. It is immature and it shows a lack of care about the other person’s feelings, but if they genuinely cared about their spouse they would not cgeat in the first place.
I wonder if men and women tend to deal with things a bit differently. I think in general women are more likely to talk about an issue that is worrying them, but I have noticed that a lot of men seem to bury their head in the sand. I think in some cases they get themselves into a situation and then keep going and make it worse because they will not ask for help and they don’t know how to get out of the situation.
Hosea, I am so sorry to hear about your wife, and I will agree that both men and women sometimes show lack of discretion in the way their behavior affects others.
It seems that regret is part of a cycle for many. Once they are acclimated to this cycle, their regret is something easily managed, so it eventually has little meaning for them.
mollyL, today’s society breeds the selfish man (or woman) and most are just out to get ahead for themselves.
I would say that most men (or women) that cheat are not sensitive in nature at all, or else they will be “in tune” to the fact that they will hurt the person that truly cares for them the most!
I can’t imagine that a man that was really in love would not feel some kind of regret when he finds himself cheating. It doesn’t make it good in anyway, but I’m sure there is always regret.
Hosea, don’t you think regret is expressed only when there is pressure to try to get things sorted out?
Don’t you think that whenever that moment is done and passes, that it’s back to the old monkey business of ignoring the fact that someone is being hurt by the actions that first orchestrated the pressure to make things work?
Do you think she is sincere when she actually says sorry?
Imaginary Diva, It depends on what you mean by “sincere.” Yes I believe that at the time she says she’s sorry, she is actually feeling some kind of mental or spiritual pain based on the fact that I feel betrayed. In other words, I think she feels real anguish and isn’t just putting on an act.
On the other hand, it’s not enough pain to change her behavior. I don’t think that means she is “insincere” … but I do think it means she is buffetted back and forth by feelings she can’t control.
And of course there are *some* days when she doesn’t even feel especially sorry.
But I’m talking about when she does.
Not sure if that answers your question or not ….
Hosea, you have clearly understood the the complexities involved. I think it is possible for a partner to be sincere when they apologise for the hurt they have caused and genuinely intend to keep the promises they make to change, but then they are unable to live up to their word. I don’t know if most partners could be as understanding as you, but I admire your decision.
It is important to remember that not all men and women link emotional love with physical monogamy.
Also, those who stay in relationships where one partner has sex outside of that primary relationship, are reaping a benefit that may be understood by them, only.
SageMother, just a couple of comments.
It’s true that there are men and women who will *say* they separate emotional love from physical monogamy. But in many cases I think they are fooling themselves. I follow a number of infidelity blogs — I mean, blogs written by cheaters about their lives. One of the biggest dangers they all describe is falling in love with the Other Woman or Other Man. So I think that physical infidelity can *draw* someone’s emotional love away from the spouse and towards someone else instead, even if the affair started out as a purely physical thing.
As for “reaping a benefit” … well, sure, in a sense that has to be true. Any time you decide to do something, it’s because of *some* benefit compared to the other choices. Staying in a marriage with a cheater is no exception. It is also true that you can never see inside somebody else’s marriage: I have friends who could never put up with the things I accept, and I could never put up with the things they accept. So it is no use making rules for someone else. That part is also true.
At the same time, you can decide to stick with something and still have it hurt.
I believe that some men feel guilty about cheating, and some do not. But I am fairly certain that ALL of them justify their actions, in some manner.
Justontime, justifying the wrong is never right, especially when the blame is placed on someone who might even be blameless.
I do believe though, that some couples go astay because one pushes the other.
Good point, Sage Mother. I think also that for some people the physical monogamy is not the same as the emotional. Unfortunately I fell in love with someone like that, and it is a very hard thing to understand!
Fighter, it’s great of you to drop by and giving us examples.
Serial cheaters only take the “i’m sorry” approach to pacify, but once they don’t feel threatened…. they will just go ahead and repeat their appalling behaviour.
Justontime, my husband grew up with an extended family of women so he tends to verbalize everything that he needs, wants…. and why he’s not having a good day.
Me, I grew up with an extended family of boys so we seem to just grunt and smirk in acknowledgement on most things.
So you can just imagine how our household is! Love the guy though and I’m trying my best to verbalize the reaction he needs from me.
Liza, I wouldn’t feel too sorry about Hosea. Go visit his blog, things have changed quite a bit on his end.
Hi, Imaginary Diva,
Thank you for the advertisement. I often fear that nobody reads anything I write on my blog outside of a small circle of regulars, so it is reassuring to hear otherwise. You should feel free to comment over there, though … it might liven up the discussions not to hear the same voices over and over again.
I’m not quite sure I understand your remark to Liza, however. On the one hand, I wasn’t looking for anyone to feel sorry for me even back when I first commented on this thread, way back in August. It was very sweet of Liza to say what she said, and I was touched by her generous remarks. At the same time, I had long since come to realize (and accept) that recurrent infidelity was just part of my wife’s essential nature, and that it had its roots deep in her personality. So I just accepted it (pain and all) as par for the course.
Has anything significant changed between August and today? My wife is still the most important person in my life, rivalled perhaps only by my children. Her heart still chafes under any kind of restraint, including the restraints of marriage. And yet she still desperately needs the security that only a stable marriage can bring her. She is still corresponding with (and mooning over) this barefaced charlatan on the Internet, who has persuaded her that he lives a romantic life in a foreign country when I have pretty solid evidence he lives in a dumpy apartment in the Midwest. And I am still watching her closely to make sure she doesn’t do something foolish for his sake, endangering herself or our family.
None of that has changed. In fact, the most significant change is that she seems slowly to be starting to doubt this fellow … she seems less ready to throw away everything she has to run off and be with him. This would be good news for me, VERY good news for our children, and even good news for her. I’m not sure we are out of the woods yet, but I am cautiously hopeful.
That’s all the big stuff in my life, and the changes between then and now are pretty subtle. Everything else — and yes, you can check out my blog for the details — is purely secondary, and is happening in the shadow of the big stuff. If all the rest of it vanished overnight, it would be too bad and all … but it wouldn’t be central to my life in any way. My priorities are absolutely unchanged.
Does this make sense?
Hi Hosea,
I understand what you mean. The emotions of the day rules the decisions made. That’s really tough because counseling might not even help. Have you thought her problems might be more than just emotional?
Hi again,
I’m not really sure what you mean. Can you spell it out a little plainer, or give examples? Thanks!