My Husband Cheated and Fathered a Child with the OW
POSTED BY JENNIFER 19 - A READER CONTRIBUTED STORY
my hubby told me 5weeks ago that he had an affair with another women 3yrs ago . the worse news is he fathered a child with her,the news completely destroyed my children and myself .we are married 20yrs and toghther 26years.we have had the perfect life we were always happy.he claims due to his family financial problems and everybody wanting him to bail them out and be everything for everybody and me becoming seriously ill made him snap he claims it was a midlife crisis .he claimed he needed to find himself that he hated himself and looked for an escape he met this women online.it took him three years to tell me because he claims he couldnt live with the guilt anymore he delayed because he couldnt bear telling me and the kids because he knew how much it would hurt us.im deeply hurt ive been trying to help me children there emotional needs come first and ive also been trying to deal with my pain.im trying to work things out because i do deeply love him and he claims to deeply love me and wants our marriage to be saved and work out. i just dont get how he could do this to me i have done everything for this man and have always been there for him and his family.i think he was weak minded and a fool to risk his whole life and marriage for a cheap piece of ass.he has anwered all my questions about the affair.he has made his life an open book to me emails and phone records as well he calls and tells me his wear abouts.he begs and crys for my forgiveness everyday .i know hes sorry and he regrets it he tells me he will never forgive himself for hurting us so deeply.i want ot beleive him but the trust and respect is gone.he told me he broke ot off with her in the 1st year of the affair after she told him she was pregant she knew nothing of his other life she beleived he was single and was gonnna make a life with her.i dont have sympathy for her.sh e was hurt to when he told her what a good loving person i was and that he had 2 kids as well ad a twenty year marriage he ended it the only contact he has is to pick up the child for visitation.what hurts also is that he bought the child over the nextday after he told us to get it out in the open i thought that was wrong and he should have given us time to adjust first we are raw with emotion.i met the child oneaster for the first time i cried i was so hurt why coulndt he have used protection ive asked him to to do dna test he says he knows the kid is his the kids and i just wanna know for sure he says he will do it but hesnot ready yet i just need to know for sure he owes us that much,he has been trying and comes home early he done all ive asked and hes been very loving and supportive he taken me out ondates ot rekindle our marriage i want things to work out i just want to know is it possible to rebuild amarriage andcan you ever regain trust and repect after youve been betrayed so bad and how do you fit the child ino our lives im trying for his sake i know the child is innocent but hes a reminder for life of his affair it will always hurt but i told him my son and daughter are having a hard time and i will not hurt or sacrifice them for his son they have toready to accept him at there own pace not when my hubby wants it i wonder can your ever trust or respect again i need advice thanks jen
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26 Responses to “My Husband Cheated and Fathered a Child with the OW”
April 3rd, 2008 at 2:56 pm
What a sad, awful experience! It sounds like the two of you need to seek marriage counseling right away. A good counselor can help you talk through the anger and hurt and help you discover if there’s any way the relationship can be salvaged. Good luck to you!
April 3rd, 2008 at 5:25 pm
I can’t believe that he didn’t tell you after he got her pregnant. If he didn’t want to be with the OW, at least he should have acknowledged the child.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:15 am
What a sad state of affairs. I feel very sorry that you’re going through this. In my opinion, using the state of your health as an excuse to cheat is appalling, but that’s just a part of the problem.
April 5th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
I can understand the horrible pain you feel,and how all you can feel now is negative toward your husband. But do remember what you said, the girl is only a child.Remember that she is an innocent party, as innocent as you.
April 6th, 2008 at 8:16 am
I am so sorry that you had to go thorough something like this. I would agree that if you want to make it work that you two might need to get some counseling just to deal with the trust issues alone. I know if it was me I would need help and some counseling just for the fact that I don’t give trust easy and would have no idea how to give it back to someone that betrayed it. Good luck to you. I hope it works out in the end the way that you want it to.
April 6th, 2008 at 8:45 am
What a horrible experience.
I have always thought that I would sue for custody of any child born during my marriage, whether I gave birth to them or not.
Why?
Because I am just that mean! I refuse to have any of my household money go out to the other woman and the child she had by my husband. After all, I am the wife, and I raise his kids!
Women have asked me if the child wouldn’t be a constant reminder of the infidelity. Well, I don’t think the child bears any blame. Living with the husband will be a reminder, though, so there would definitely be some marriage counseling, but keeping the marriage together would be important for our lives and that of the child born out of the affair!
Happily, that won’t happen. Both my husband and I are sterilized.
My heart goes out to you. I bet many people aren’t aware of just how strong and dedicated you truly are.
April 8th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Sage, I agree with you, having the child will provide a little more stability and it would reduce the time he sees the other woman. In a case where the woman was not told the man is marriage, she may also be an innocent party too.
April 9th, 2008 at 10:05 am
It’s not often I disagree with you SageMother but on this point I have to admit that I’m quite horrified that you would even consider taking an innocent child away from it’s natural mother in order to make yourself feel better. I’m glad it’s something that will never come up.
April 9th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Green-Moo
I believe that the child is the product of the marriage, and its problems, just as the affair is.
I like to keep these things in one household.
April 11th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
The thing is, in torn marriages, a lot of times the innocent child suffers, and only because the parents want nothing to do with each other.
April 13th, 2008 at 11:26 am
The parents wanting nothing to do with each other, can exist regardless of the child’s biological parentage. This would be true if the child was the genetic offspring of one parent, both parents, was adopted, or any other possible variations on the family’s make up.
In my mind, the child is still a product of the marriage, regardless of the happiness associated with the marriage in question.
April 14th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
Sage,you are stronger than I! I would want to treat that unfortunate child the same as any of my children, but I fear I couldn’t.
April 15th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
I can’t agree with you on this one either, Sage. Unless I felt the biological mother was abusive or neglectful, I wouldn’t try to have her child taken from her. This child isn’t a “product.” He or she is a living, breathing human being who has a right to know and love both parents.
April 16th, 2008 at 6:57 am
i thank you all for youre advice .this situation is very difficult because i had a good happy marriage it was he who snapped and made a mistake and he can never take back what hes done he will live with his guilt and shame forever.i am a good kind and loving person and have given him a chance to work things out for the sake of our love and marriage and our childrens sake ,for me and my kids this is a hard situation none of us deserved .we are still realing and raw with emotion .i am trying very hard to rebuild our lives form the ashes.if it had only been an affair i would have spared my children the pain there going thru but because my husbands fathered a child i had to tell them i have done everything i can to help my children deal with there pain i ahvent even had time to really deal withmy pain or my feelings i hav e good and bad days,my husbands is really trying hes made his life an open book to me communication has become very open and hes done all ive asked from him hes told all the answers to the questions i needed to hear good or bad wehave had good talks and are on the road to rebuilding our realtionship.to me i will never comprehend that he could to do this to our family his excuses suck.my illnesses are for life there is no cure for what i have and i battle my illnesses with grace dignity and strenghth everyday i have honered my vows i would never cheat on my husband because my spouse was seriously ill and sometimes cannot have sex on command there are days im not phsically up for it but when i do we have a great time toghther this a real an should understand not run away looking fo rit elsewhere he same formidlife crisis excuse or financial problems pressure stress from the job or life all these things can be worked out as a couple these are not excuses to go out and have an affair.that to me makes him weak and thats the diference between us i honered my vows and didnt look for the a lifeor sex elsewhere i know im still hurt and angry but ive earned that right he has alot of making up to do i am willing to give him the chance wehter or not i can ever forgive or trust or respect him again time will tell i hope we can work past it all and he can regain what hes lost. as for the child ryan hes a boy hes 3 yrs old.i have welcomed him in my home i bought him gifts and given himthe same love and attenton as i do my own children i do not blame him i blame the other other women and him hes an innocent it will not be easy my children are hurting and are having ahard time dealing with a half brother i hope they can become close in time it does hurt and always will i know hes not to blame but it will always be a reminder i still cry and have troulble hugging him because it should have been our child i will never forgive her and at somepoint in time she i will cross paths because the child is my step son and hes part of our family know then iwill tell her what the deal is and where she stands my husbands knows there are no second chances this is his one and only i have faith in god and us i hope we can rebuild and make our family whole and hope all our children can coexsit and learn to be a family and love each other.time will tell thanks for your support and advice love jen
April 17th, 2008 at 7:49 am
I’m in the same situation as you. I’m actually tearing as I’m reading this because I know exactly the pain you feel. I didn’t know about the “other child” until my 12 year old daughter told me. She was told not to tell me and this went on for almost a year. I have two children and my son is only 3 years old so he has been seeing this other woman for a few years behind my back. I didn’t want a second child with my husband since my daughter was already almost a teenager but he convinced me that this would be the best thing ever, etc. so I believed him only to find this out now. The other child is innocent in this situation but I can’t bear to look at him or even mention any names. I don’t think my marriage can survive this and I don’t know if I even want to try. Good luck to you.
April 18th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
dear melissa my heart goes out to you and your children as well my life is a mess right know its been 2months to the day since he told me all ican tell you im trying for the sake of our family i hope in time i can forgive i dont know if its possible .the child for me is very painful every toie he comes i cry and fall apart im trying but it hurts so deep and irts a painful reminder i know exactlyhow you feel my husband it took him 3 yrds to tell me because he couldnt bear to hurt me he knew it woujld destroy our lives and it did i hope we can work ti time will tell he ended in te first year when she became pregnant but still it hurts only i the cheter is willing to make his life an open book and be honest with communication can a marriage have a chance contact with the ow must stop or no dice this is my hubbies one and only chance he better keep all his promises or its goodbye i still want him toh ave adna test he says he will when hes ready this hurts to i think we need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt i hope you ca work things out iwill pray for you take care of yourself and youre children if you ever need to talk you cane mail at jennifer196400@hotmail.com i will help you anyway i can love jen
April 18th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Jen it really does sound as if you’ll be able to work things out here & I really hope that you can. Your husband sounds like he’s making a real effort.
April 18th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
dear green-moo he is really trying to be a better father and husband hes doing and saying all the right things for me this is an emotional time forme and my kids we can onlytake thingsone day at a time and try ot move on and makeour marriage work we do really love each other we just have to work hard and try to stop rehashing the affair and fix our marriage.i hope i can forgive,trust and respect him again but i know that comes with time for know i takeit one step at a time and as for the child i hope in time we can be a happy family and he will kn wo hes loved like he was myown its just a hard situation only time will tell.thanks for listining and your support love jen
April 28th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Although your pain has been nearly unbearable, it seems as if you have learned some valuable things to help your children, your husband, and yourself. I wish you much luck.
April 29th, 2008 at 8:46 am
I agree with Molly Jen. This sounds like it has been an experience that will make you a stronger person in the long run.
April 29th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
i hope it can make me stronger what doesent kill you makes you stronger i know we have along road ahead of us but my first priority are my kids they will always come first.i take things one day ata time i cant say i m anywhere near forgiving him or trusting him again let alone respect him these things take time and has to be re-earned.he has alot of making up and wprk to do before anyof these things can be given.im trying and so is he and thats all we can do my emotions are still up and down but that par for the coarse wether or not the pain from h is betrayel will ever go away i dont know some people can forget other do not for me i dont think i will ever forget time will tell.i know this is one exp i would never wish on anyone my sympathese are with all those who have been betrayed love jen
April 30th, 2008 at 2:45 am
Yes, one day at a time Jen. And you have the kids there to concentrate your effort on. Believe me, it will be worthwhile in the long run. The kids will appreciate all this, when they are old enough to understand.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:26 am
dear green-moo thats all anyone can do in such a situation we have a long road ahead of us but i beleive we have enough love to fix the damage.i know hes deeply sorry but you still think why do it to me after 20 years but i promised myself not to look backa nd keep rehashing it its not good for us or the kids and like my mom says it only causes more pain when you fight and throw it in each others faces.im done i know the awful details and hes told me everything up front good with the bad and theres no point in bringing it up i can either move forward or leave i choose to stay because i see the pain and guilt he wears everyday and how sorry he truly is i know hell never do it again i hope we begun rebuilding and he s been very lovong caring and understanding hes the guy i fell in love with i hope he stays that way aND WE LEARN FROM THE MISTAKES OF THE PAST.HE HAS A LOT OF HARD WORK AHEAD OF HIM TO REDEEM HIMSELF IN MY EYES AND OUR KIDS BUT WE ALL AGREED TO WORK THINGS OUT .TIME WILL TELL BUT FOR KNOW THEIRS HOPE.AS FAR AS THE OTHER WOMEN SHES A bad MEMORY uNFORTUNATELY HE HAS TO PICK UP RYAN HIS SON BUT THE CONTact is by the door and minimal conversation .only the child theres no going in her house or any conversation or contact unless it has to do with the child if he breaks these rules its over and theres no second chances he knows the deal.time will tell i hope for a our marriage to become stronger and better and hope that no one willever come between us again thanks for being there and lending support it helps me alot love jen
May 23rd, 2008 at 3:00 pm
It really sounds like the two of you still love each other, despite everything that has gone on. I hope he has learned a valuable lesson!
June 1st, 2008 at 10:01 am
I’m very certain that I wouldn’t be able to forgive my husband if this situation arose.
June 12th, 2008 at 7:11 pm
I am in about the same situation. He had a child prior to meeting me. We got married and have 2 kids, and the stepchild every other weekend. He has cheated on me multiple times, and every time I forgave him. I found out several months ago that he cheated on me last year- and that a baby has been born of it.
The only thing is, he has been in his “mid-life crisis” for the whole 10 years we have been married. The fact that he has fallen so far into his fathers footsteps of stupidity is mind-boggling. I feel like he has ruined everything. He has made very little effort to reconcile with me, be truthful, or anything. We aren’t loving. I had some recent health issues that prevented normal activities, and he seems to hate me for something I couldn’t control.
I can’t seem to come to grips with reality. Everyone says I need to leave him, I think I do too, but I am terrified of being on my own with 2 young kids. I don’t feel like there is a marriage left, but he refuses to leave first. I have to do it. I am now on medication for depression- but that doesn’t help the co-dependence. My parents don’t live near me, so even if I wanted to be around family for support, I’d have to remove my kids from the state and my husband. Complicating the situation we are about to lose our house to forclosure, and need to file bankruptcy. I feel like a rug that has been beat down by what he did, and how he treats me. I see no future with him, but am paralyzed by indecision. I just don’t trust my own feelings anymore as he manipulated me so much- made me think things were all my fault. Thoughts appreciated.