Help, Before I Go Insane
POSTED BY TENDY - A READER CONTRIBUTED STORY
Hi
I have recently found out that my husband has been corresponding with another lady, he first met her while on a business trip in Late Jan 08. I found the emails by chance. When i confronted him about it, he admitted it straight away, he swears nothing physical has happened, that it was just a mistake. I would like to believe him, but i have doubts (which i am told is normal). My big worry is that one of the emails was to arrange a date for when he returns to one particular city, he left for that trip today.
We discussed what he had done to length, and i agreed that our marriage is worth fighting for and working on.
My question to you all, is do i trust him (blindly) or do i remain suspicious? i am going insane not knowing what he is doing, or who he maybe talking too.
Please help me if you can, any advise gladly received.
Thank you.
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22 Responses to “Help, Before I Go Insane”
March 29th, 2008 at 10:53 am
Remain suspicious. You may consider of installing some spyware to check on him.
March 30th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
Agrees with ‘Fighter’. He may feel confidant within himself that he has thrown you off the scent. Guys like this can never fully be trusted. Men that travel for their careers have more opportunities to cheat on their wives/partners and are more likely to do so given the chance. Do not let your guard down here.
March 30th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
thanks Solitaire and Fighter, i appreciate your comments. I understand what you both are saying, but How do i keep tabs on him when is half a world away? I already have logon details to his private email and webpage, plus i have completed an extensive search of the web looking for any social pages or email he maybe linked to.
Any suggestions would be welcome. he is in the IT business and has tabs on our home computer, so would not be able to install any spyware on it. Plus all correspondence was timed for while he was at work anyway.
March 30th, 2008 at 11:10 pm
Hi Tendy,
Google his name and any known aliases/handles that you know of, and up in the top left hand corner of your screen you will see google has a list: Web Images, Maps, News, Groups, Gmail more. Click on ‘groups’ and scan through the pages to see if he is listed. Also you can then add his name/handles and have any further news, messages etc on any groups or posts he makes on the web emailed directly to a private email account as they are added, preferably one that he is unaware of. Open up a new one specifically for this purpose and never tell him about it.
There are also a few anonymous, untraceable email accounts available out there as well ex:
https://www.anonymousspeech.com/default.aspx
You might also like to install a free email tracking device for your current email account to track where his email is coming from and when it was opened etc. There are a few free variations to choose from ex:
http://www.freedownloadscenter.com/Email_Tools/Microsoft_Email_Add-ins/ActiveTracker_Email_Tracking_plugin_including_Certified__Self_Destructing
Try those for a start, I hope they will be of some help.
Hiring a Private Investigator in the area he is staying at would be another consideration, however this would be very expensive.
I am not sure how long your husband intends to be away on this trip, would it be possible for you to arrange a surprise visit? A bit extreme I know and probably not possible but again a last ditch effort of knowing for sure. Another idea would be if you knew someone else in the area that he was currently located in to pop by and pay him an unscheduled visit.
I do hope everything works out for you, good luck.
March 30th, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Tendy, if you’ve discussed this issue with your husband already then I don’t believe there’s allot more that you can do. You’ll either have to put your distrust aside & learn to trust in this man again, or you’ll have to prove to yourself one way or another that he’s lying to you. If you go for the second route you’re setting yourself up for all sorts of unhappiness. Even if he’s innocent of any further wrongdoing you will be having to sneak behind his back to check up on him, and that’s not nice either.
It’s hard, but if I were in your shoes I’d try to relax and enjoy my husband unless he gives you any solid reason to disbelieve him.
March 31st, 2008 at 7:10 am
Okay, so let’s see if I’ve got this right. You caught him red-handed with suspicious emails. When he got nailed he said he’d had a lapse in judgment (i.e., mistake) in January. But he’s making arrangments to meet her again???? That’s not a mistake, that’s an ongoing fling. When he comes home tell him that you’ve talked to a lawyer and his next “mistake” will be his last.
March 31st, 2008 at 11:53 am
I am agreeing with Green-Moo here. If you have made the determination that your marriage is worth saving, then you need to cast out your doubt and stop thinking about him in a “cheating” kind of way. If you can’t truly bring yourself to have faith in him now, you never will.
March 31st, 2008 at 12:59 pm
Tendy I would still set up the “Google Alerts” on his name and any known handles to a private email account and go with your gut instinct on where your husband is concerned. If you have doubts then you must do what you need to do to reinstall trust. He has broken your trust and your feelings are completely understandable. He needs to work on helping you rebuild your trust within this relationship. This is not your fault.
All the best,
Solitaire
April 3rd, 2008 at 4:44 pm
This is a tricky one, because you would want to trust him to put your mind at rest. But you could keep tabs on him by calling him at unusual hours (this will drive him crazy) and talking to him. Depending on how he sounds you can make you assumptions. Whatever he tells you he’s goin to be doing, ask him about it the next time you talk to him.
April 3rd, 2008 at 9:45 pm
Thank you all for your comments, they have been very helpful. Liza, i have been doing exactly that, and he has not faultered yet. Trusting what he says is very hard when he is so far away from home, the timing of this trip was terrible, but i am glad i found out when i did, if i had found the emails while he was away i am not sure what i would have done.
Molly and Green-Moo - after much soul searching I am taking your advise (received from friends also) and putting it in the past. Once he returns, we will be heading down that long road to rebuilding our once loving marriage and the trust that has been lost.
I know it is not going to be easy for me or him, but if he really does love me like he says he does and i love him then our marriage is worth saving or at the very least trying to save.
I thank you all again for the advise given and if you or anyone else has any helpful advise to help me (or us) in this process it will be welcomed.
Best wishes to you all.
April 4th, 2008 at 2:36 am
Tendy, I wish you all the happiness in the world with your marriage & hope that you are both able to learn from this incident & put it behind you.
April 7th, 2008 at 12:02 pm
i am going through the same thing. my husband cheated on me w/ a co-worker. worst thing..we have kids & i am pregnant w/ twins. (7 1/2 months) everyone keeps telling me it is stress. he didn’t want anymore kids. my husband/marriage means more to me than some home wrecker getting what she wants. i’m also trying to trust him again. it is hard. hopefully we will be ok. i hope everything wrks out for trendy also.
April 8th, 2008 at 6:45 pm
Unfortunately, he sounds like he’s worked/working hard to keep you from finding out what he’s up to. Big red flag. Get counseling. Don’t stress yourself out trying to spy on him, because this will just further damage the relationship. His own guilt should work much better as a deterrent, and your retaliation would alleviate that. But you have to know, so just watch his behavior really closely. You’re female, and your instinct will tell you what’s really up. Good luck to you. Hope he wakes up quickly. Just remember that you deserve to be loved, and loved right. If he won’t step up, someone else will.
April 8th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
prettypretty - i feel for you, i have done alot a research into how to overcome this, it can be done. One thing i have picked up that you may want to pass on to your hubby if he wants to make it work is this - will my actions/behaviour bring her closer to me or push her away. I have passed this onto my own hubby, and to tell you the truth i am doing the same thing. I know that my hubby would not have done what he did if i was still the loving wife he married, just as he was different with me. Now that we both know that there was actions and behaviour on both sides that lead him down that path, we have to be aware of what we do and say - so that question needs to be asked all the time.
My hubby arrived home from his trip yesterday, i followed up with questions on what he did and his answers were the same. i believe we can get through this time as will you pretty pretty, it just takes time.
Best of luck, and congrats on the twins, just remember that your marriage is important too not just the kids or work or the household.
April 11th, 2008 at 8:44 pm
Tendy, I wish you all the luck in the world. It can’t be easy what you are doing, but stay strong, and in the end I hope it will all work out.
April 19th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
I think warning the fellow about seeing a lawyer is a mistake. Just get the lawyer, and get busy before he starts trying to hide assets, or build a case against you!
This fellow doesn’t think you can figure his game out, so just take what you know,use it to your advantage, and then reward yourself for sticking up for your limits!
April 28th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Hi Tendy, just wanted to check in and see how things are going. I hope you and your husband have been able to work on the issues that were troubling you. It’s promising that he’s willing to talk…but just in case, keep paying attention to your intuition and don’t be afraid to ask some hard questions if you think he’s straying again. Good luck!
April 28th, 2008 at 8:25 pm
Hey Calypso
Thank you for the follow up. We are trying to sort things, i am over the anger, but am still struggling with the hurt, i never realised how much hurt i would feel if this ever happened to me. I am suspious of everything he does and says when he is not with me, i know this will pass in time, just need to be patient with the rebuilding trust issues.
We will get there, i know it, but it is a struggle and i now understand why so many women (and men) who have been in the same situation leave the offending partner - sometimes i think it would be so much easier.
Like i said we will get through it, eventually, until then i am sure there will be many more arguements, tears and pain but if he is committed to our marriage like he says he is then all will be fine.
May 25th, 2008 at 11:09 am
Be on guard! Protect your self from the pain that may soon follow. I myself was in the same position. I found out my husband cheated while i was away in Iraq. I didnt find out until a year and a baby later. I forgave but was fooled again. He continued to contact her after i forbid it. I made him leave and now he is seeing more than one woman. MOst of the time these type of men never learn.
June 1st, 2008 at 9:57 am
I’m onboard with sagemother. Do not warn him, do not tell him anything! Go ahead and get the legal advice you’ll need if you decide you no longer want this man in your life. You’ll especially need that advice if there are children involved or a substantial amount of money.
July 1st, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Tendy - Be sure that you don’t feel guilty about still feeling upset about the situation, as long as you don’t dwell on it and bring it up every opportunity you get, it will eventually take care of itself.
July 2nd, 2008 at 8:03 am
IF monogamy was a requirement in my marriage, I would have all the programs available to track his activities. I wouldn’t try to get past any anger, but would put it to work.
I like special projects.