POSTED BY TENDY – A READER CONTRIBUTED STORY
Hi
I have recently found out that my husband has been corresponding with another lady, he first met her while on a business trip in Late Jan 08. I found the emails by chance. When i confronted him about it, he admitted it straight away, he swears nothing physical has happened, that it was just a mistake. I would like to believe him, but i have doubts (which i am told is normal). My big worry is that one of the emails was to arrange a date for when he returns to one particular city, he left for that trip today.
We discussed what he had done to length, and i agreed that our marriage is worth fighting for and working on.
My question to you all, is do i trust him (blindly) or do i remain suspicious? i am going insane not knowing what he is doing, or who he maybe talking too.
Please help me if you can, any advise gladly received.
Thank you.
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Is your partner is cheating on you and you don't know what to do? Tell us your story and ask for our reader's advice.
Remain suspicious. You may consider of installing some spyware to check on him.
Agrees with ‘Fighter’. He may feel confidant within himself that he has thrown you off the scent. Guys like this can never fully be trusted. Men that travel for their careers have more opportunities to cheat on their wives/partners and are more likely to do so given the chance. Do not let your guard down here.
thanks Solitaire and Fighter, i appreciate your comments. I understand what you both are saying, but How do i keep tabs on him when is half a world away? I already have logon details to his private email and webpage, plus i have completed an extensive search of the web looking for any social pages or email he maybe linked to.
Any suggestions would be welcome. he is in the IT business and has tabs on our home computer, so would not be able to install any spyware on it. Plus all correspondence was timed for while he was at work anyway.
Hi Tendy,
Google his name and any known aliases/handles that you know of, and up in the top left hand corner of your screen you will see google has a list: Web Images, Maps, News, Groups, Gmail more. Click on ‘groups’ and scan through the pages to see if he is listed. Also you can then add his name/handles and have any further news, messages etc on any groups or posts he makes on the web emailed directly to a private email account as they are added, preferably one that he is unaware of. Open up a new one specifically for this purpose and never tell him about it.
There are also a few anonymous, untraceable email accounts available out there as well ex:
https://www.anonymousspeech.com/default.aspx
You might also like to install a free email tracking device for your current email account to track where his email is coming from and when it was opened etc. There are a few free variations to choose from ex:
http://www.freedownloadscenter.com/Email_Tools/Microsoft_Email_Add-ins/ActiveTracker_Email_Tracking_plugin_including_Certified__Self_Destructing
Try those for a start, I hope they will be of some help.
Hiring a Private Investigator in the area he is staying at would be another consideration, however this would be very expensive.
I am not sure how long your husband intends to be away on this trip, would it be possible for you to arrange a surprise visit? A bit extreme I know and probably not possible but again a last ditch effort of knowing for sure. Another idea would be if you knew someone else in the area that he was currently located in to pop by and pay him an unscheduled visit.
I do hope everything works out for you, good luck.
Tendy, if you’ve discussed this issue with your husband already then I don’t believe there’s allot more that you can do. You’ll either have to put your distrust aside & learn to trust in this man again, or you’ll have to prove to yourself one way or another that he’s lying to you. If you go for the second route you’re setting yourself up for all sorts of unhappiness. Even if he’s innocent of any further wrongdoing you will be having to sneak behind his back to check up on him, and that’s not nice either.
It’s hard, but if I were in your shoes I’d try to relax and enjoy my husband unless he gives you any solid reason to disbelieve him.
Okay, so let’s see if I’ve got this right. You caught him red-handed with suspicious emails. When he got nailed he said he’d had a lapse in judgment (i.e., mistake) in January. But he’s making arrangments to meet her again???? That’s not a mistake, that’s an ongoing fling. When he comes home tell him that you’ve talked to a lawyer and his next “mistake” will be his last.
I am agreeing with Green-Moo here. If you have made the determination that your marriage is worth saving, then you need to cast out your doubt and stop thinking about him in a “cheating” kind of way. If you can’t truly bring yourself to have faith in him now, you never will.
Tendy I would still set up the “Google Alerts” on his name and any known handles to a private email account and go with your gut instinct on where your husband is concerned. If you have doubts then you must do what you need to do to reinstall trust. He has broken your trust and your feelings are completely understandable. He needs to work on helping you rebuild your trust within this relationship. This is not your fault.
All the best,
Solitaire
This is a tricky one, because you would want to trust him to put your mind at rest. But you could keep tabs on him by calling him at unusual hours (this will drive him crazy) and talking to him. Depending on how he sounds you can make you assumptions. Whatever he tells you he’s goin to be doing, ask him about it the next time you talk to him.
Thank you all for your comments, they have been very helpful. Liza, i have been doing exactly that, and he has not faultered yet. Trusting what he says is very hard when he is so far away from home, the timing of this trip was terrible, but i am glad i found out when i did, if i had found the emails while he was away i am not sure what i would have done.
Molly and Green-Moo – after much soul searching I am taking your advise (received from friends also) and putting it in the past. Once he returns, we will be heading down that long road to rebuilding our once loving marriage and the trust that has been lost.
I know it is not going to be easy for me or him, but if he really does love me like he says he does and i love him then our marriage is worth saving or at the very least trying to save.
I thank you all again for the advise given and if you or anyone else has any helpful advise to help me (or us) in this process it will be welcomed.
Best wishes to you all.
Tendy, I wish you all the happiness in the world with your marriage & hope that you are both able to learn from this incident & put it behind you.
i am going through the same thing. my husband cheated on me w/ a co-worker. worst thing..we have kids & i am pregnant w/ twins. (7 1/2 months) everyone keeps telling me it is stress. he didn’t want anymore kids. my husband/marriage means more to me than some home wrecker getting what she wants. i’m also trying to trust him again. it is hard. hopefully we will be ok. i hope everything wrks out for trendy also.
Unfortunately, he sounds like he’s worked/working hard to keep you from finding out what he’s up to. Big red flag. Get counseling. Don’t stress yourself out trying to spy on him, because this will just further damage the relationship. His own guilt should work much better as a deterrent, and your retaliation would alleviate that. But you have to know, so just watch his behavior really closely. You’re female, and your instinct will tell you what’s really up. Good luck to you. Hope he wakes up quickly. Just remember that you deserve to be loved, and loved right. If he won’t step up, someone else will.
prettypretty – i feel for you, i have done alot a research into how to overcome this, it can be done. One thing i have picked up that you may want to pass on to your hubby if he wants to make it work is this – will my actions/behaviour bring her closer to me or push her away. I have passed this onto my own hubby, and to tell you the truth i am doing the same thing. I know that my hubby would not have done what he did if i was still the loving wife he married, just as he was different with me. Now that we both know that there was actions and behaviour on both sides that lead him down that path, we have to be aware of what we do and say – so that question needs to be asked all the time.
My hubby arrived home from his trip yesterday, i followed up with questions on what he did and his answers were the same. i believe we can get through this time as will you pretty pretty, it just takes time.
Best of luck, and congrats on the twins, just remember that your marriage is important too not just the kids or work or the household.
Tendy, I wish you all the luck in the world. It can’t be easy what you are doing, but stay strong, and in the end I hope it will all work out.
I think warning the fellow about seeing a lawyer is a mistake. Just get the lawyer, and get busy before he starts trying to hide assets, or build a case against you!
This fellow doesn’t think you can figure his game out, so just take what you know,use it to your advantage, and then reward yourself for sticking up for your limits!
Hi Tendy, just wanted to check in and see how things are going. I hope you and your husband have been able to work on the issues that were troubling you. It’s promising that he’s willing to talk…but just in case, keep paying attention to your intuition and don’t be afraid to ask some hard questions if you think he’s straying again. Good luck!
Hey Calypso
Thank you for the follow up. We are trying to sort things, i am over the anger, but am still struggling with the hurt, i never realised how much hurt i would feel if this ever happened to me. I am suspious of everything he does and says when he is not with me, i know this will pass in time, just need to be patient with the rebuilding trust issues.
We will get there, i know it, but it is a struggle and i now understand why so many women (and men) who have been in the same situation leave the offending partner – sometimes i think it would be so much easier.
Like i said we will get through it, eventually, until then i am sure there will be many more arguements, tears and pain but if he is committed to our marriage like he says he is then all will be fine.
Be on guard! Protect your self from the pain that may soon follow. I myself was in the same position. I found out my husband cheated while i was away in Iraq. I didnt find out until a year and a baby later. I forgave but was fooled again. He continued to contact her after i forbid it. I made him leave and now he is seeing more than one woman. MOst of the time these type of men never learn.
I’m onboard with sagemother. Do not warn him, do not tell him anything! Go ahead and get the legal advice you’ll need if you decide you no longer want this man in your life. You’ll especially need that advice if there are children involved or a substantial amount of money.
Tendy – Be sure that you don’t feel guilty about still feeling upset about the situation, as long as you don’t dwell on it and bring it up every opportunity you get, it will eventually take care of itself.
IF monogamy was a requirement in my marriage, I would have all the programs available to track his activities. I wouldn’t try to get past any anger, but would put it to work.
I like special projects.
Tendy, I hope everything works out for you. I think the suspicion and doubt will always there to a certain extent, a betrayal like that doesn’t just go away. It is several years since something similar happened to me, and I still have issues about trust, but I’m glad I didn’t give up. I think there has to be open comunication and a willingness to understand on both sides in order to make things work, but I am not sure if that unquestioning trust will ever come back.
I think something like that prepares you for a future relationship. Because it makes you not as naive and accommodating as before, so you are less likely to be hurt that way again.
Liza, this is so true!
If one can use a bad experience as a learning tool, they are at least 2 steps ahead of those who have never faced adversities!
I think this is true on the whole but sometimes a bad experience can be so damaging that the person involved feels unable to trust anyone again.
Remain suspicious, I’m sorry to say. If it were totally innocent, I do not think he would have been hiding it from you (unless you’re an unreasonably jealous woman) So keep alert to any other signs, but try not to drive yourself crazy!
You might trust him blindly, but you know that deep down you have your suspicions. So I’d say trust your guts. If anything, just ask him right out. That doesn’t mean you are giving up your marriage.
Tendy, how are things between your hubby and you? Do you have a happy outcome? I am sure hope that all are going fine for both of you as I had a feeling that your hubby really put the marriage above anything else.
Hi All,
I keep saying thank you for the advice, i really do appreciate all the comments. To be honest with you all, i feel like i am on a roller coaster.
Before anyone rolls their eyes saying hes done it again, here is an update.
At first everything was ok, apart from trust issues and hurtness etc etc, we both put in alot of effort, you know making each other happy being especially nice. Now just like most men, my hubby thought that since i had not mentioned it or anything it had all been forgotten, and like most females i had not forgotten nor had i gotten over it (emotionally, trust issues etc) i was just trying to move forward, so when the hubby started being an ar*se again by ignoring how i felt about it, we would end up arguing and of course i would end up throwing it in his face (so to speak) and then he would say really hurtful things like it was all my fault (i know its not, cause i sure as hell didnt force him to chat up some wanna be actress who lives in NY and do what he did.
As you can imagine, this has sent me spiralling out of control emotionally, then on top of all of this our eldest son is acting out which is also adding strain to my very tender broken emotional side, i have also had to deal with hubbies dad going missing and being found passed from this world, the funeral all while he was away in August. So all in all a very stressful year i have had (roll on 2009!!!).
For me it is important that we continue to talk about how we feel about any issue not just that one, it is important to me that we rebuild our marriage, as it is for him.
I only have is word on things, and the trust is certainly not there, but i have found that if we are to stay together then the stick has to be put in the sand so we can move onward with our lives.
That is not to say that if he goes away, or goes out or if i notice an odd email (i have had free access to his private emails and facebook accounts – he knows, i am not being sneeky)or message that i dont get worried, a little anxious and need to question him and get reassurance. all in all he is complying with this need of mine. As he should if he is serious about being sorry and stuff.
This is of course the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with and i am not always successful at it, but with love and support from those in the know and of course hubby we will be ok.
on another note, one of the biggest challenges i have found is some people who do not respect my decision to stay with him and rebuild our marriage. i still do not know if it will work out, but when i was young, if you have something worth fighting for then fight for it. Even though i did not do what he did, the 12 months prior to his little fling were not entirely happy ones in our marriage and i do know this played a part in his actions. Plus i love him, so in this instance i will not loose my marriage, my hubby, my friend, my lover without fighting dam hard for it first. If it doesnt work out, yes i will be sad, i will be gutted, but at least i will know that i didnt give up without a fight.
This is right for me and i know a lot of you out there this isnt right, and some men are just creeps permanently and you should leave them. If he does it again, he knows he has lost me, once bitten twice shy ……
Thanks again for all the support, day by day, week by week, month by month, we get stronger and better.
kia Kaha (be strong)
Tendy
As I said before, trust your guts, follow your own advice and I’m sure you’ll be better off. After all, you are the only one with the real knowledge of the situation.
I have to agree with SageMother about the tracking. I’ve never done real well with blind trust because people who know that particular vulnerability usually will use it against us, ya know?
Blind trust makes it MUCH too easy for someone to pull the proverbial wool over our eyes.
I think you could certainly be expected to wonder about the trip and to discuss it either after the fact or during a phone call while he’s still away. There would be nothing extreme about that in my opinion.
Hopefully a little healthy suspicion now will be needed less in the future.
You don’t have to justify your decision to stay with him and give yourselves a chance to work through it. However you should trust your instincts and speak out when you have your doubts. He let you down, now it is up to him to reassure you that everything is OK.