All signs are pointing to the fact that your spouse is cheating. So many critical mistakes are made during discovery and confrontation. Here are a few tips to help you avoid common mistakes one makes when confronting a cheating spouse.

#1 Never let on that you are suspicious of your spouse until you have gathered numerous pieces of evidence. If you rush in and confront them after finding one telephone number or text message, you run the risk of alerting them to your suspicions. Not only will they now stay on their toes, but they will make sure you never, ever have access to your source of information again (ie: cellphone, credit card bill, wallet, etc.) The goal is to behave normally and give them the impression that things are “business as usual”. It is when cheaters are in their comfort zone that they slip up and make crucial mistakes.

#2 Never let the cheater catch you snooping. It is always wise to have a reason for being where you found what you found prior to getting caught snooping. You need to have your story planned out and plausible in advance. Therefore, when you get caught digging through his briefcase, you can claim to be looking for the electric bill that was misplaced and might have gotten mixed up with his papers. Getting caught snooping without having a valid reason for being there is a red flag to the cheater. That’s why you should always have a $20 bill handy so that when you get caught snooping through her purse you can claim to be looking for smaller bills to pay the gardener, paper boy, kids coach, etc.

#3 Never allow the cheater to turn the tables on you and attack you before they provide a valid explanation for their behavior. Once confronted with facts, they will try to pull a Jedi Mind Trick on you by calling you crazy, stupid, psycho, insecure, childish, petty, ridiculous, looking for trouble or trying to start something. All of this will occur before responding to your question about who they were having drinks with after work last Friday. Don’t let them twist the issue. Acknowledge that you are whatever they say you are and then demand that they give you an answer to your question. In other words say, “Yeah, I’m stupid and insecure. Fine. So who is she and how long have you two been screwing around?” Once you allow them to turn the tables, attack you, and then leave the confrontation, you will likely never get to the bottom of the story because he/she will have gained additional time to get their story straight.

#4 Never allow the cheater to make you explain their behavior. In other words, never get drawn in to the game where they expect you to explain why they would or are doing what you suspect them of doing. A typical cheater will say something like this, “Why would I resume a relationship with my ex when you know how important this family is to me?” or “Why would I have an affair with someone at work when I know your sister/cousin/ best friend/dog works there?” or even, “Why would I do that to you when you know how much I love you?” These are tricks to confuse the victim and make them rationalize why someone wouldn’t have an affair. For committed, unselfish, honest people these rationalizations make sense, but when a cheater is caught up in the throes of an affair, normal, rational thinking is replaced by whatever selfish behavior is necessary to accomplish their goals.

#5 Never be fooled by confrontation tears. Although they may be sincere, be sure to distinguish between “I’m sorry” tears and “I’m sorry I got caught” tears. Even though tears may be a good starting point for reconciliation, be mindful of who the real victim is here. Don’t run to console the hurt, devastated cheater. Leave them alone in their misery for a little while in order to ascertain what their true desire and motivation is for the emotional breakdown. It is not your place to comfort and reassure at this time. It is simply the time for answers and stating of objectives. Your feelings of anger, hurt, rage, disgust or confusion should in no way be minimized in order to deal with the cheaters outpouring of guilt, sorrow, shame, etc. For once, it should not be about them, but rather about you and you alone.

#6 Never reveal your source of information. Once you reveal that you obtained his email password, he will change it. Once you admit that you got information from her best friend, she will end that friendship and cut off your ability to obtain future information. And once he discovers you examined the cellphone bill, he will stop the statements from being sent to the house. If you decide to end your relationship, don’t do the cheater any favors by letting them know how you obtained your information. Let them go through the rest of their lives thinking that you are a psychic genius. If you decide to reconcile your relationship, you would not want your mate to know how you caught them in case you need to check up on them again. Therefore, there is never, ever any good, smart, or reasonable reason to divulge your sources.

#7 Never make the discovery of infidelity or decision to reconcile your marriage a family affair. Minimize input from parents, siblings, friends and other well intentioned bystanders. You alone need to assess whether or not this relationship is in your best interest, and therefore you alone need to make the decision of whether to stay or leave. Counseling and spiritual input are always great options, but in the end the decision needs to be made by you. Often well meaning people who love you will provide advice that is not in your best interest. That’s why it is best to keep your business as private as possible when it comes to family and friends. Often online support groups and input from those who are removed from your personal world can be far more beneficial than those who are closely related to the situation. In the end, remember, you are the one who has to live with your decision, not the rest of the world.

#8 Never assume that an affair will ultimately end a relationship. Often problems which precipitated the affair are dealt with following the discovery of infidelity, and a marriage comes out even stronger on the other end. As long as both parties are willing to do what it takes to rebuild the relationship, it can work. A marriage can absolutely survive an affair and become more durable than before. Need help? Check out http://www.ultimatebetrayal.com.

About the Author – Danine Manette is the author of Ultimate Betrayal: Recognizing, Uncovering and Dealing with Infidelity. She is also a Professional Investigator with a Bachelors degree in Social Welfare and a Doctorate in Law. This married mother of three, and infidelity survivor, has been interviewed and cited regarding relationships issues for several television, radio, newspaper and Internet pieces. For more information, visit http://www.ultimatebetrayal.com.