I recently read an article about the “other woman” who finally got “the man” and then he cheats on her. She is totally getting what she deserves because she was stupid enough to get involved with a married man. Reality has not dawned on her that he did not give up everything - “his wife and daughter” - to be with her. His wife probably kicked him out and he had nowhere else to go. So while she’s now supporting him because he has no money, he’s sleeping around in plain view.
What even annoys me more is the fact that a serial cheater like Sipho thinks that his wife chooses to look the other way while he has his affairs. He says he will never leave his wife because what they have is “special” and he wants it to last forever. So he is on his third affair with his wife’s friend whose husband left her for another woman. “The truth is, lonely women need a man like me Âand I can’t resist them either. It’s not serious – just affectionate fun.” I seriously don’t think any form of professional help will be able to help Sipho because then he’ll have to do away with his super hero complex. Dr. Alan Riley is right when he says “What’s more likely is that men who compulsively seek new sexual partners are actually deeply insecure and feel a continual need for reassurance that their manhood is potent.”
In my opinion, serial cheaters will never change. It is life as they know it. Life is all about choices, so why chose to get dragged into a life of insecurity, distrust and hurt? Just because they lead a screwed up life doesn’t mean yours has to be one too.
Personally I have such a hard time with trust once you have lost it that I just don’t think that I could start a relationship with a seriel cheater.
hi sharon,
i’ve just read your comment in my other blog about affiliate stuff. can you give me some pointers on this? you may send it to me via email if it’s ok with you. thanks!
No, they aren’t worth it. Once the trust is gone the relationship is over. I would never give someone the chance to hurt me a second time.
My mother used to comment on the “other woman” getting the man, “I hope she’s no too surprised when he starts cheating on her.” It’s amazing how naive these women are!
Serial cheating is a problem, and so many men and women give into serial cheaters that they think they are in love with, and love them.
I have one question though - where do you draw the line between cheating and serial cheating?
Unfortunately, I had the misfortune of being with a serial cheater. He was living with a woman while messing around with me and cheating on me with the woman who stupidly agreed to marry him (and yes his future wife knew that he’d been seeing me, but to his credit he did break it off with me to be with her). Five years later I see him in a drugstore and he begins to hit on me, wants to know if I’d want to start things up again. His wife finds out and confronts me, my response, “What did you think, he’d not cheat on you? He was cheating on you when he was dating you, why would he stop just b/c you’re married?” Reality check. What’s shocking to me is she’s still married to him.
I think cheating is an addiction, and just like any other addiction is very difficult to break. Not everyone will become addicted after just one affair (everyone makes mistakes I suppose), but if someone has a history of cheating I think there’s a very good chance that they’ll continue doing so & you’d be stupid to imagine they’d do otherwise.
Green-Moo
Tater03, I don’t think you are alone in thinking that way. I feel the same way also about it.
Hey Jessie.
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you. I’ve been so super busy. I see your email and I will get back to you when I come back from my business trip later this week….
Sometimes it seems like a serial cheater meets the same kind of compulsive profile that an abuser can have. They are disassociated from both their actions and the consequences. You have to doubt if they can be changed without professional intervention.
Debrajean, it could be that her financial status keeps her in this situation. She probably isn’t too happy but is helpless to change things.
I don’t think I will have a serious relationship with anyone who is currently in a relationship and seeking me out. The fact is that a few weeks, months or years I will be in that very same position so I just don’t go there.
Jewel, I draw the line on cheating period. He’s definitely not getting a second chance with me!
But when it comes to serial cheaters though, statistics say that they leave their current relationship for the person they are cheating with. So, if you are the “other woman” and a serial cheater leaves his wife for you…. there is no doubt he will do the same thing to you.
Debrajean, I’d really hate to see how her emotional welfare is doing. She must always be on pins and needles trying to figure his comings and goings.
And how did she even find out?
SageMother, not only do we get tied emotionally…. there is also that financial part.
Sometimes it is very hard to walk away because of that.
Liza, I just finished reading a book about relationships that stem from infidelity. It’s quite a good read, because we never really think we could be the other woman.
But take a look around you…. especially at work, and how easy it is to just get close with a male co-worker.
I am going to put a review up sometime in the next week also.
MollyL, well, he did cheat on her and it looks like she’s getting payback in spades.
I don’t know why she never even expected that it will happen to her!
Accer, I totally agree with you on that. Once the trust is gone and you have all this hurt inside you, it is very hard to give that person 100% of your love again.
I wouldn’t give him the time of day again.
mollyL, being a serial cheater really is a sickness.
There should be a chemical treatment for that. It’s the same compulsionary habit as a sex offender I think.
Green-Moo, serial cheaters should get professional help because sometimes trying is not hard enough is going to get you through the tough moments.
Just like any other emotional issues that you go through… counselling really does help.
I might forgive someone for making one mistake, but if it happened more than once I’d have to kick that person’s tail to the curb. Life is too short to spend worrying about an unfaithful lover!
sagemother: I agree, she is dependent upon him, he insinuated that to me. She doesn’t work and ‘helps’ him out at his business doing the bookkeeping.
imaginary diva: I was actually an employee at the drugstore and once he found out I was working there he would come in fairly often to ‘buy’ things and then chat me up. My assumption is that his wife saw his vehicle parked in the parking lot and considering we all lived in a very small town, it probably got I around that I was working there. We all know how small towns and gossip are don’t we? Well, she came in and asked me if I was hitting on her husband…again. My response, “you should go talk to YOUR husband about who’s hitting on who.” She was fuming when she left, so I assume they had quite a row that evening b/c he didn’t come in after that.
I imagine he’d be too embarassed to, as well as being banned by his wife. Knowing your wife has been going round accusing people hardly does allot for your street cred does it?
Calypso, that’s for sure! You should never sell yourself short of what you deserve.
Everyone deserves a second chance, but it’s up to you to give him that chance. If he keeps on throwing away what you offer and make the same mistake over and over again, you need to learn where to draw the line.
Debrajean, so if she left him, not only will it affect her personal relationship, it will also affect her financially more than anyone else because she works with him.
Debrajean, god, I love payback.
She doesn’t seem to know how to handle him and probably was at her wits end. Did you know that statistics about cheating men say that they always regret leaving the strong ones behind? It’s a good thing you didn’t fall back into his trap…..
Green-Moo, so right about that. It’s embarassing all around.
You’ve got the husband trying to be much too friendly with another woman. And a wife that goes around accusing women of messing around with her man.
I wonder what the rest of the community thinks.
imaginary diva:
I’m assuming that’s the case. Financially, she’d be hurting.
Well, it certainly was good for my ego to have him trying to get back into my good graces, but the last thing I needed was to have my heart broken by him again.
Some people prefer the devil they know to the devil they don’t, and there’s all sorts of reasons why they may prefer to continue a marriage with a cheater than strike out alone. I think staying once you know is also a brave decision.
Debrajean, it’s going to be so hard to win that trust back again and if the cheater does try to get back into my good graces…. he better come with lots of ammunition and GOODIES!
Green-Moo, change is a very hard thing. It’s not as easy as saying it and then making it happen. Sometimes it takes more than just hurt to strike out on your own because people do prefer to deal with the devil they know now.
It’s not just men who have multiple affairs, and it’s not just women who decide to hang in there. Why stay? Well, today my answer is easy: we have kids who need us both. But we didn’t have any back during her first two affairs.
I don’t have an easy answer why I stayed then, other than that I still loved her (still do) and I’m too stinking stubborn to quit.
I am interested by the remark about cheaters being deeply insecure. Heaven knows, my wife is! I wonder if (in her case) there is any link between her repeated infidelity and her chronic depression …? Just a thought.
Goodies are great, but I’d prefer a heartfelt apology, an honest explanation, and a sincere promise that it wouldn’t happen again!
Green-Moo, I actually just had a conversation today with a friend about this.
I think someone who makes a sincere promise deserves another chance. Don’t you think?
Hosea, I am not an expert when it comes to depression and its effect, but I would assume that this could trigger her need to seek out extramarital affairs.
Have you ever given her an ultimatum? I know that you want to stay and make it work, but does she know that she can’t play with your emotions like this?
Hello Imaginary Diva,
No, I have never given her an ultimatum. I don’t really like the idea of ultimata. I mean, she has given them to me often enough, sometimes over serious issues and sometimes over really petty stuff. I guess that’s part of why I am leery of playing the same game.
Also, I think part of it is just vanity on my part … the egotistical idea that I can hang in there regardless what she throws at me. You know the old line about “Whatever doesn’t kill me ….”
Lastly, I really don’t know how she would respond to an ultimatum. Sometimes she makes decisions that make no sense, or that are plainly contrary to her own interests. And I kind of feel like it is my job to stick around, so I can keep her from steering into a lamppost. If I were ever to give her an ultimatum, though, I would have to live up to it.
Or maybe it’s just cowardice.
Hosea, I don’t think it is cowardice at all. I think when we love someone, we always try our best to steer them to the right path of life.
As you said, she sometimes makes decisions that makes no sense clearly sounds that she needs the guidance and you are probably there for her to make sure that she does.
I think cowardice is if you say you are going to do something just to throw it out there and never follow through.
In the same respect, I believe that letting your partner know that they are accountable to a certain amount of portion in the relationship is one of the best communication steps in establishing a lasting relationship. If we don’t let each other know what is exepected, feelings can get trampled and boundaries can be pushed.
I had a different position with this around 6 years ago. I would never put up with a cheater… but then I fell in love with one. And we are very open with one another. I didn’t actually choose to be in love, it just happened.
That is a good point, I think as we get more experience of life we become less black and white in our opinions. Up to a point I can see what you mean about falling in love too. It is not an entirely conscious decision, but I think I would run a mile if I found that the person I had developed feelings for was not free to love me.
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