So, how do so many good people end up having affairs and shattering their marriages? Well, mostly it is because they do not know the pitfalls and danger signs.
Danger #1 — Getting too chummy with a coworker. Tip #1 — Keep conversations at the water cooler and else where casual and do not get personal. Once personal information is shared you are developing intimacy with someone other than your spouse. Most affairs do not start out with the married partner intending to have an affair, they end up as a result of a slipper slope.
Danger #2 — Talking about your spouse or your marital problems with members of the other gender. Tip #2– Whether you are experiencing minor frustrations with your spouse or you believe your marriage is in big trouble, talk with someone who could not possibly turn into a threat to your relationship down the line. Avoid any intimacies (sharing personal information) with a potential partner.
Danger #3 — Your friend/coworker confides in you. Tip #3 — Extricate yourself form the role of confidant. You are now in an intimate relationship with someone other than your spouse. Also, being the one who understands is very seductive.
Danger #4 — You put effort into looking nice for this person. Tip #4– Be very honest with yourself about what you are doing and how you are feeling about your spouse and your marriage. There may be absolutely nothing lacking in your relationship or marriage but having someone new can be very seductive and exciting.
Danger #5 — Working late starts to include going for dinner and a drink. Tip #5 — Keep work at work. You may be unable to avoid working late with someone of the opposite gender. Keep in mind this is how many affairs begin. When at work late try to have a third coworker involved in the project.
Danger #6 — You’ve stopped talking about your friend or coworker to your spouse. Tip #6 — Keep your spouse in the loop about this friend like you would any other friend or business associate. If you find you have stopped mentioning someone you used to mention to your spouse it is again, time to be very honest with yourself. And, start talking about them again.
Danger #7 — You keep your business calls from home “private”. Tip #7 — Avoid dong this at all costs. Keep these calls strictly business. If you need some quiet and go in your den make sure the door is open. If you are reluctant to do so ask yourself why.
I invite you to follow these tips to help guard against an extramarital affair.
I would also like to offer you access to my Free Report: 21 Ways to Renew Fun, Love and Passion when you subscribe to my free monthly newsletter, Love Your Love Relationship, a monthly newsletter with advice and tips on creating a strong, healthy and loving marriage. You can get access to both at www.Beatthemarriageodds.com.
About the Author - Barbara Calvi
For more information on creating stronger,healthier and more passionate marriages you can read Barbara’s tips and advice at www.Beatthemarriageodds.com, www.Beatthemarriagodds.typepad.com or www.Beatthemarriageodds.typepad.com/affairrecovery.
Great tips. These are very much so true!! Great article. Wonderful advice. Everyone should follow.
These are good tips. I have never felt it wise to socialize with co-workers. Your home, and your way of life all hang on your being able to keep money coming in.
The employer has enough power over you. Don’t invite co-workers to have that power over you as well.
These are so true. The problem is I see a lot of these starting out as more of an emotional type of an affair which can be so much worse. Then they move on to the physical aspect of it.
Great tips and all are very accurate. Someone new will always have a bit more appeal than the old one. You don’t know all their flaws yet and they don’t see yours!
Good advice, though I think that if I accepted danger #1 I’d be thought of as a brick wall at work! It’s impossible to work closely with other people without exposing some personal information if you don’t wish to appear totally stand-offish.
Green-Moo
Good rules. Confiding in a friend of the opposite sex never seems to be a good idea, especially if you are feeling vulnerable and he is comforting and strong. Here’s where the danger light should start blinking!
Good point tater, I think that a lot of cheating does occur out of an emotional affair that they do not mean to end as a sexual affair.
These are points I’ve tried to bring up to my husband when I pointed out to him that his business relationships are not always ‘businesslike’. He resents it when I point out that I consider some of his women co-workers “friendliness’ involves familiar touching or hugging. I believe it sends the wrong message.
SageMother, it’s just so easy to fall into that little trap of socializing too much with your co-workers.
Even I have to admit that this is probably where I find really tough at times. You see them everyday. You talk to them more than your significant other.
I can see why this is the cause of most infidelity.
Tater03, it’s so easy to get emotionally attached to someone else. Even if you are both in a relationship.
I remember seeing an episode about this on Ally McBeal one time. Ally says that sometimes this is good for a relationship, just as long as it doesn’t get to the physical portion of it.
What do you think?
Jewel, I agree with you on that one.
I still consider an emotional affair as cheating though.
Debrajean, I really agree with that!
It’s a good thing my husband is working from home, but there was this girl in his old office that was just too friendly with him.
At least he understood, and he made sure that he had no other type of contact with her away from work.
Accer, and that’s probably the biggest reason why people cheat on relationships!
MollyL,
I have to admit that some of the best friends I’ve had in this lifetime have been men from work.
There seriously have been times when I’ve noticed that if I just gave them a small little hint that I will leave my present boyfriend, they would be the first one to try to get me to bed. I’ve just been so lucky that I didn’t get work men friends that were overtly aggressive, or else….. they could have made my life difficult.
I think this article makes an excellent point that most people don’t start out planning to cheat. Of the people I’ve known who cheated on their partners, not one of them started out planning to cheat. It just sort of “happened.” These are great tips and really something to think about.
Calypso, one thing we have to remember….. it takes two to make a relationship work, eventhough it only takes one to make it go wrong.
When things go wrong, such as infidelity just sort of “happened”, there are contributing factors to it.
Even though it just sort of ‘happen’ there are always warning signs that something is happening and it’s for the person involved to basically decide what they want to do.
I agree, Liza. Warning signs are there and probably ignored.
As far as causes for affairs, I think something else that happens is, as a couple ages, the ability to have those same experiences of youth are lost, and many find those feelings rekindled in an affair.
I think we need to stop idealizing marriage, and address the real life issues facing those who have no tools to cope with the realities.
Liza, this is where we all understand what kind of person we are with. If they are weak then they will give in to temptation. If they aren’t, they will stand and say “no thank you”.
Don’t you think?
SageMother, the reality of how affairs happen can be also “idealized” and it’s not really as preventable as we’d like it to be.
I just wish that maybe today’s society hasn’t given too much appreciation towards the union of marriage and the sanctity of what being a couple stands for. It’s sad when you think of all the marriages that get broken day to day.
I think perhaps if people took time to get to know and understand each other properly before rushing into a relationship/marriage, they may be more realistic in their expectations of each other. They would also have a better idea of their partner’s ability to remain faithful within marriage.
Leave a Reply