This Relationship Is Doomed…
POSTED BY FUNGURL21 - A READER CONTRIBUTED STORY
Hello I’ve been married 8 years and I am convinced my husband is cheating if not physically then in the least he is mentally a cheater. I have found on my computer where he has visited porn sites, adult friend finder.com, match.com, etc. Two of the sites are looking for sex hook ups. Iam so dissappointed in him and disgusted, he doens’t realize that I know and everytime I look at him or he reaches for me I just want to scratch his eyes out of his face. I wonder if he has cheated physically I have no proof of that but I don’t doubt he could have.
I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up and I don’t think I can ever trust him again. By the way I have done my research and he’s visited these sites on and off for almost 3 years.
I am mentally exhausted!
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34 Responses to “This Relationship Is Doomed…”
January 25th, 2008 at 2:24 am
Fungurl21, have you confronted him?
I wouldn’t be so quiet and ready to sweep it under the mat about it if it was me. I would not even let him touch me!
Is it your home computer? Could there be a chance someone else is using it?
February 3rd, 2008 at 10:38 am
As a man I can give you a bit of insight. I wouldn’t be concerned with the porn sites. AdultFriendFinder and Match.com might be a sign that something is wrong though. If he hasn’t cheated, he may have at least thought about it.
Can I be brutally honest?
You need to ask yourself what it is you’re doing, or more importantly - not doing, that has him looking for entertainment elsewhere. Maybe the time and effort you’re putting into finding out if hes cheating should be put into doing the things he needs you to do to make cheating less appealing. Stop putting energy into researching his behavior, put that energy into… well… leaving him so tired that even if he wanted to, he wouldn’t have the strength to cheat.
February 6th, 2008 at 7:18 am
You two need to talk. DESPERATELY. You see you mentioned several sites that I visit from time to time, as does my partner. It has nothing to so with cheating. We live in a small town and are looking to see if anyone we know is there. I also look to see if the partners of friends of mine have accounts and are cheating. There can be semi innocent reasons for these things being on your computer.
February 13th, 2008 at 6:08 am
I would ask up front, you need to give careful attention to how he responds both verbally and his body language, you need to also prepare yourself for the worst if he is actually cheating.
February 15th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
See, it’s weird, checking into porn sites from time to time with or without my hubby doesn’t seem to really bother me or him…if it’s not a habit or addiction that takes the place of our marriage.
February 16th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Accer, ah, you are definitely in the know!
But you are right, more conversation needs to happen before we should just jump into conclusions about what our partner is doing when we are not around.
FunGirl21 should really get it out in the open and then determine if she should be disgusted with him or leave him.
BTW, personally, I would have jumped into the same conclusion as her…..
February 16th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
I don’t think looking at these sites is necessarily a sign of having an affair. However, if it’s been a secret in the marriage then there is something fundamentally wrong. And that’s going to need a good long conversation to sort out.
Green-Moo
February 16th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
FunGirl, why are you keeping this discovery and your feelings surrounding it, away from your husband? If you cannot talk about it the it sounds like you are trying to decide whether you are staying with him or not.
February 17th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Yes, I totally agree that you need to talk to him about this. This feeling of anger is not going to go a way and it is just going to make things so much worse if you don’t talk to him about this. Good luck to you.
February 17th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
You say that you don’t have evidence of his cheating physically, but that he is cheating “mentally”?? It sounds like you have done your research over three years. If you don’t want him anymore then you need to act on all of your anger and leave him. I, for one, would give him the chance to explain himself.
February 22nd, 2008 at 6:38 am
Perhaps he wants something out of his relationship that he is not getting, it may be some small things, like you dressing like a nurse or a stripper to creater some excitement for him. Just talk about it.
February 26th, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Debrajean, I guess it’s the intent and what we perceive as a threat towards us.
I am not really sure how I would feel if I found out my husband was checking out porn sites on a regular basis. But then, it’s not like me to snoop on his computer either to see what he’s been up to.
February 26th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
SageMother, I guess since we haven’t heard from FunGirl on this post, I take it that it probably all sorted itself out.
March 7th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
Mr. Polite,
That is a very good piece of advice. Instead of concentrating on what went wrong, we should concentrate on how we can fix things.
I think it’s just a matter of pride that sometimes will not let us do that.
March 12th, 2008 at 11:58 am
Green-Moo, and it’s not just going to be a long conversation to sort out, trying hard not to get emotions get in the way while you are talking about it can be very difficult!
April 12th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Hmmmm
There is a possibility that it was just….fun, and he felt it was safe because he wasn’t going outside of marriage to have this “fun”.
I am not saying it is right or wrong, just what could be going on. It doesn’t help hurt feelings at all.
April 13th, 2008 at 3:48 am
Absolutely SageMother. People have different definitions of what cheating is, and the two halves of the partnership may not be in agreement. If it’s not been discussed then the husband may not realise that his behaviour isn’t acceptable to his partner.
April 14th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
I agree that you two desperately need to talk. No matter what you may guess, you won’t know for sure what’s going on in his head until he tells you, so give him a chance to speak his piece. Then you can decide if the relationship is still worth pursuing.
April 23rd, 2008 at 6:09 pm
SageMother, this is something that really needs to be talked about in a relationship.
Some women have no problem with having a husband that watches live porno flicks, and there are some who really do take offence.
Regardless, it is all about respecting each other’s boundaries, and Fungirl21, if he loved you then he would try his best to not bother you about this.
April 23rd, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Green-Moo, exactly!
How will we know if our actions make other people sad? They have to tell us or we wouldn’t know.
So I hope for Fungirl21, that this is a just a simple misunderstanding and that once she confronts him that all will be sorted out.
April 24th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
Calypso, I’ve recently realized that a lot of couples don’t talk about issues like this for fear of opening pandora’s box.
It recently happened to me (nothing related to cheating) but I justified not talking to my husband about it because then I can always fall back to the fact that there could be a chance that I am wrong instead of being proven right.
April 26th, 2008 at 6:31 am
Imaginary-Dive, obviously without knowing the details of your relationship I should not really comment, but that does sounds like setting yourself up for difficulties in the future.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:58 am
You’ve clearly acknowledged the reasons that you distrust your husband. Though it’s true that many of the symptoms that you describe are also descriptive of someone cheating, they are also descriptive of someone who really may not wish to cheat or may not have physically at all. The “mental cheating” that you mentioned is really unimportant. Everyone mentally cheats to some extend. Even a flirt a form of mental cheating. Remember, that pornography in itself is not a sign of cheating but can possibly mean the opposite.
I think that the direct approach would be in order here. What if you just asked him if he is cheating? Accept whatever answer that is given. This way you’ve clearly reminded him of what is important to you.
Before you do that, you may want to clear you mind of some of the unproductive suspicions that you have. If you are already thinking the relationship is doomed, then it most likely will be. Get this off your chest by just asking him about it. It’s important also that you accept whatever his answer is because you really don’t want to come off as the insanely jealous wife. This will most likely work against you at some point. Take this opportunity to express some of your real concerns. Don’t look for excuses for every little thing but express what concrete things that might concern you. If you’ve noticed changes in your sex life, mention that. If you feel that he avoids you, mention that. The goal here isn’t to try to catch him in something but to remind him of what’s important to you and that you’re here to help him get what is important to him. That will him feel that he can tell you anything that he needs to without being afraid to begin. That’s my suggestion… 16 years this month.
May 5th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
Green-Moo, I realize that but there are times when we all keep secrets from our other half and I’ve given him respect where I trust that he will tell me when the time is right.
May 8th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Fungurl, if the cheating stays “mental”–that is, if he agrees to never physically cheat but continues to visit the porn sites on occasion–could you live with that? What would you like to see happen in this relationship?
May 11th, 2008 at 10:07 am
That’s an interesting question you ask Calypso. I’ve been trying to work out how I’d feel about that myself if came up, and I guess it would be something I could accept.
May 11th, 2008 at 10:18 am
There are some questions and conversations that need to be carefully considered before they are dealt with.
If you think you are going to be unhappy with any of the possible answers to certain questions, you might do better to not ask those questions, and simply enjoy what you have!
May 14th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Marv, thank you for dropping by here and leaving us fungurl21 a great piece of advice.
The direct approach is always the best way to go about it when you think your partner is cheating on you. We do tend to over think situations that can play a lot of havoc with our minds if we don’t confront it head on. It can also be the reason why your relationship will end up being doomed in the future.
May 16th, 2008 at 4:20 am
Sage-Mother - once you know the truth, you are then forced to take action on it, whether that is to accept it or make a change. Some times it is easier not to face the truth as it means we don’t have to make a decision.
May 18th, 2008 at 11:00 pm
Calypso, I know if I confronted him and he admitted that this is something that he does on a regular basis, I will let him know that I am not feeling comfortable with it. If he continues to do it and he doesn’t feel that my feelings matter in this situation, I know I will be pissed and leave him.
May 19th, 2008 at 12:32 am
You’ve hit the nail on the head there ID. If you are not comforable with it, but your partner persists then to my mind that is disrespectful of your feelings.
May 22nd, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Green-Moo, I would confront him, but I’ll definitely be super mad if he didn’t do anything to correct our problem.
June 8th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
Green-Moo, that’s so true!
Once we know the truth, we pretty much have to either face the music or turn away from it and pretend nothing’s wrong. Sometimes it really much more easier to ignore the problem and hope it corrects itself in time.
June 10th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
Green-Moo, and when your partner is disrespectful of your feelings….. the relationship really is doomed.
But, it’s also not right to think that your partner can read your mind. You have to communicated.