POSTED BY FUNGURL21 – A READER CONTRIBUTED STORY
Hello I’ve been married 8 years and I am convinced my husband is cheating if not physically then in the least he is mentally a cheater. I have found on my computer where he has visited porn sites, adult friend finder.com, match.com, etc. Two of the sites are looking for sex hook ups. Iam so dissappointed in him and disgusted, he doens’t realize that I know and everytime I look at him or he reaches for me I just want to scratch his eyes out of his face. I wonder if he has cheated physically I have no proof of that but I don’t doubt he could have.
I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up and I don’t think I can ever trust him again. By the way I have done my research and he’s visited these sites on and off for almost 3 years.
I am mentally exhausted!
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Fungurl21, have you confronted him?
I wouldn’t be so quiet and ready to sweep it under the mat about it if it was me. I would not even let him touch me!
Is it your home computer? Could there be a chance someone else is using it?
As a man I can give you a bit of insight. I wouldn’t be concerned with the porn sites. AdultFriendFinder and Match.com might be a sign that something is wrong though. If he hasn’t cheated, he may have at least thought about it.
Can I be brutally honest?
You need to ask yourself what it is you’re doing, or more importantly – not doing, that has him looking for entertainment elsewhere. Maybe the time and effort you’re putting into finding out if hes cheating should be put into doing the things he needs you to do to make cheating less appealing. Stop putting energy into researching his behavior, put that energy into… well… leaving him so tired that even if he wanted to, he wouldn’t have the strength to cheat.
You two need to talk. DESPERATELY. You see you mentioned several sites that I visit from time to time, as does my partner. It has nothing to so with cheating. We live in a small town and are looking to see if anyone we know is there. I also look to see if the partners of friends of mine have accounts and are cheating. There can be semi innocent reasons for these things being on your computer.
I would ask up front, you need to give careful attention to how he responds both verbally and his body language, you need to also prepare yourself for the worst if he is actually cheating.
See, it’s weird, checking into porn sites from time to time with or without my hubby doesn’t seem to really bother me or him…if it’s not a habit or addiction that takes the place of our marriage.
Accer, ah, you are definitely in the know!
But you are right, more conversation needs to happen before we should just jump into conclusions about what our partner is doing when we are not around.
FunGirl21 should really get it out in the open and then determine if she should be disgusted with him or leave him.
BTW, personally, I would have jumped into the same conclusion as her…..
I don’t think looking at these sites is necessarily a sign of having an affair. However, if it’s been a secret in the marriage then there is something fundamentally wrong. And that’s going to need a good long conversation to sort out.
Green-Moo
FunGirl, why are you keeping this discovery and your feelings surrounding it, away from your husband? If you cannot talk about it the it sounds like you are trying to decide whether you are staying with him or not.
Yes, I totally agree that you need to talk to him about this. This feeling of anger is not going to go a way and it is just going to make things so much worse if you don’t talk to him about this. Good luck to you.
You say that you don’t have evidence of his cheating physically, but that he is cheating “mentally”?? It sounds like you have done your research over three years. If you don’t want him anymore then you need to act on all of your anger and leave him. I, for one, would give him the chance to explain himself.
Perhaps he wants something out of his relationship that he is not getting, it may be some small things, like you dressing like a nurse or a stripper to creater some excitement for him. Just talk about it.
Debrajean, I guess it’s the intent and what we perceive as a threat towards us.
I am not really sure how I would feel if I found out my husband was checking out porn sites on a regular basis. But then, it’s not like me to snoop on his computer either to see what he’s been up to.
SageMother, I guess since we haven’t heard from FunGirl on this post, I take it that it probably all sorted itself out.
Mr. Polite,
That is a very good piece of advice. Instead of concentrating on what went wrong, we should concentrate on how we can fix things.
I think it’s just a matter of pride that sometimes will not let us do that.
Green-Moo, and it’s not just going to be a long conversation to sort out, trying hard not to get emotions get in the way while you are talking about it can be very difficult!
Hmmmm
There is a possibility that it was just….fun, and he felt it was safe because he wasn’t going outside of marriage to have this “fun”.
I am not saying it is right or wrong, just what could be going on. It doesn’t help hurt feelings at all.
Absolutely SageMother. People have different definitions of what cheating is, and the two halves of the partnership may not be in agreement. If it’s not been discussed then the husband may not realise that his behaviour isn’t acceptable to his partner.
I agree that you two desperately need to talk. No matter what you may guess, you won’t know for sure what’s going on in his head until he tells you, so give him a chance to speak his piece. Then you can decide if the relationship is still worth pursuing.
SageMother, this is something that really needs to be talked about in a relationship.
Some women have no problem with having a husband that watches live porno flicks, and there are some who really do take offence.
Regardless, it is all about respecting each other’s boundaries, and Fungirl21, if he loved you then he would try his best to not bother you about this.
Green-Moo, exactly!
How will we know if our actions make other people sad? They have to tell us or we wouldn’t know.
So I hope for Fungirl21, that this is a just a simple misunderstanding and that once she confronts him that all will be sorted out.
Calypso, I’ve recently realized that a lot of couples don’t talk about issues like this for fear of opening pandora’s box.
It recently happened to me (nothing related to cheating) but I justified not talking to my husband about it because then I can always fall back to the fact that there could be a chance that I am wrong instead of being proven right.
Imaginary-Dive, obviously without knowing the details of your relationship I should not really comment, but that does sounds like setting yourself up for difficulties in the future.
You’ve clearly acknowledged the reasons that you distrust your husband. Though it’s true that many of the symptoms that you describe are also descriptive of someone cheating, they are also descriptive of someone who really may not wish to cheat or may not have physically at all. The “mental cheating” that you mentioned is really unimportant. Everyone mentally cheats to some extend. Even a flirt a form of mental cheating. Remember, that pornography in itself is not a sign of cheating but can possibly mean the opposite.
I think that the direct approach would be in order here. What if you just asked him if he is cheating? Accept whatever answer that is given. This way you’ve clearly reminded him of what is important to you.
Before you do that, you may want to clear you mind of some of the unproductive suspicions that you have. If you are already thinking the relationship is doomed, then it most likely will be. Get this off your chest by just asking him about it. It’s important also that you accept whatever his answer is because you really don’t want to come off as the insanely jealous wife. This will most likely work against you at some point. Take this opportunity to express some of your real concerns. Don’t look for excuses for every little thing but express what concrete things that might concern you. If you’ve noticed changes in your sex life, mention that. If you feel that he avoids you, mention that. The goal here isn’t to try to catch him in something but to remind him of what’s important to you and that you’re here to help him get what is important to him. That will him feel that he can tell you anything that he needs to without being afraid to begin. That’s my suggestion… 16 years this month.
Green-Moo, I realize that but there are times when we all keep secrets from our other half and I’ve given him respect where I trust that he will tell me when the time is right.
Fungurl, if the cheating stays “mental”–that is, if he agrees to never physically cheat but continues to visit the porn sites on occasion–could you live with that? What would you like to see happen in this relationship?
That’s an interesting question you ask Calypso. I’ve been trying to work out how I’d feel about that myself if came up, and I guess it would be something I could accept.
There are some questions and conversations that need to be carefully considered before they are dealt with.
If you think you are going to be unhappy with any of the possible answers to certain questions, you might do better to not ask those questions, and simply enjoy what you have!
Marv, thank you for dropping by here and leaving us fungurl21 a great piece of advice.
The direct approach is always the best way to go about it when you think your partner is cheating on you. We do tend to over think situations that can play a lot of havoc with our minds if we don’t confront it head on. It can also be the reason why your relationship will end up being doomed in the future.
Sage-Mother – once you know the truth, you are then forced to take action on it, whether that is to accept it or make a change. Some times it is easier not to face the truth as it means we don’t have to make a decision.
Calypso, I know if I confronted him and he admitted that this is something that he does on a regular basis, I will let him know that I am not feeling comfortable with it. If he continues to do it and he doesn’t feel that my feelings matter in this situation, I know I will be pissed and leave him.
You’ve hit the nail on the head there ID. If you are not comforable with it, but your partner persists then to my mind that is disrespectful of your feelings.
Green-Moo, I would confront him, but I’ll definitely be super mad if he didn’t do anything to correct our problem.
Green-Moo, that’s so true!
Once we know the truth, we pretty much have to either face the music or turn away from it and pretend nothing’s wrong. Sometimes it really much more easier to ignore the problem and hope it corrects itself in time.
Green-Moo, and when your partner is disrespectful of your feelings….. the relationship really is doomed.
But, it’s also not right to think that your partner can read your mind. You have to communicated.
I think you really need to know why he needs to do it before being convinced that the relationship is doomed. Some men get anxious about everything being in working order physically and they go on to sites to see if they can still get aroused. I’m not saying it is right, just that men have hang ups too.
Unemotional communication is key. Sometimes we try to communicate, but the situation is so hurtful that it makes proper communication difficult.
justontime, LOL!
I am sure men have hang ups too, but really, I think this is the reason why they have hang-ups in real life…. they are used to having to watch their turn ons instead of doing the actual romancing.
I would not be concerned with the porn, but I would question the dating/match up sites. I think it is time that you have an honest talk with your husband about his behavior and see what he has to say about it before you jump to any real conclusions.
Liza, I’m not sure how anybody can remain open minded and not get emotionally involved when confronted with the fact that their partner is cheating on them.
I think though spying on them is one of the most logical alternative to get the real truth.
I know it’s hard and virtually impossible to remain calm in the face of infidelity, but you must agree that things are better discussed when both parties are calm. That may take a while to happen. lol
Chris1203, even though porn would be basically fantasizing, I still wouldn’t like it because somewhere along the way, he is going to expect me to be like those girls in the videos and that is not a very easy shoes to fit.
I had never thought about it that way, Liza, but you’re probably right. All I’m saying is that viewing porn isn’t the same as posting your profile (shouting that you’re available) on dating sites.
I am not sure I agree with you Liza, but I worry that those women (and men) in the videos may not really have been that willing to be involved in that stuff.
Chris1203, I agree, I think there is a difference between looking at porn and posting your profile. I wonder if one leads to the other?
Me and my partner watch porn together every once in a while. We both enjoy it, and If I watch by myself, I don’t think of it as “cheating”, neither I think of my partner as a cheater either.
Hey everyone. Listen up. Why do you all think that a person who is visiting porn sites is cheating on his partner? Why can’t you all think that he do it just to have some visually pleasing sense and fun? If that is the only reason he goes for it, does that constitute cheating?
Flowerhorn, perhaps you misunderstood us, well at least me, that’s not what I am saying. I don’t like the idea of my hubby watching porn because he may want to compare me to those girls who are really not making love for hours, but scenes that has been cut and pasted for maximum pleasure.
Liza, I really doubt that men watching porn expect that their wives act or even react like the girls at the porno films. I believe for men is a escape from what they “know” every day… it is more a fantasy than anything.
Liza, I am sure that your hubby won’t compare you with those girls he saw in the porns. He is just too smart to think such a prolonged act is real and I am sure that he just out to have some fun only. That’s it and nothing else.
Believe me guys, you have some men out there who expect the most from women. I don’t think my hubby even looks at porn. So I hope those who do just use it for fun as you said.
The thing that bothers me about porn is that the people who participate in it may not be free to choose to take part or not.
I haven’t seen a porn movie that looked as if people were coerced into doing it, and female porn stars earn lucrative salaries.
Sometimes I think that is used as a reason to ban it, too often, when the issue is really the women making so much money!
SageMother you may well be right, I have never watched a porn movie so I really don’t know if the participants are exploited. If they choose to do it and they earn a lot of money good luck to them.
People that make porn movies are not forced to do them. There are so many people wanting to make them, if someone doesn’t they can find somebody else right away. And they make a lot of money.
fungirl,
He probably is. If you have the intuition then it’s probably happening because this is what I found out about mine but he was seeing three other women. Of course he would like to the hills that nothing was going on but when I walked up on her coming out of the house, he could not like anymore unless I was stupid like them. Yes, he had three relationships going on and that is not counting me, lol.
Confront him and listen to his lies at first then decide if you want to continue listening. You will get to the point when the lies don’t matter and neither will he. Ask Vic, Simonia, Tawani, and Kesha.
Fungirl 21
Please do not take any advice from one of these women. She is not being honest about her own relationship. She is truly misleading lots women on many of the post.
If you want to stay with your man stay. If you want to leave leave, but do not keep him in your emotional prison forever. He will cheat again or just leave you eventually. Decide what is best for you and your family. If you believe in God, turn to him not strangers that are not being totally real about their own life situations.
fungirl and others,
I have to let you know that you should probably not be listening to Ms Sasha because she is the “other woman” to a married man who wants his wife to leave him in hopes that she will END up with him. Now, do you really want to hear what she has to say or believe her. Now you know you have a family and she is right about that, do what is best for your family. However, she is the one that is the homewrecker for the married man that she is dating. It’s one of those work sneak affairs and she is not thinking about what is best for his family because she is the “other woman.” Now, don’t you wonder why she is giving you any advice about leaving your husband? If so and it’s coming from her, it’s because she may want him too, lol. Again, I will pose the question to you Fungirl and any other wife on the site reading Sashamonia’s response, why is she telling you to turn to God and not strangers when she is doing just what God tells us not to do…commit adultery? Besides, she is happy being the other woman but she is also the probably the first in church to praise Him. As an adulterer, Sasha needs prayer and really needs to turn to God for forgiveness and guidance. Right PrincessSashamonia? Amen
Oh Fungirl and others,
Understand that Sasha works with my husband as well as sleep with him. I am the “one of these women” that she speaks about. I know she loves him, misses him when he can’t get to her, calls him when she knows he’s home, comes to the house late at night and put her cry baby notes on the car (I have them if you would like to read them), threatens to come by even if I am there, and she even had the audacity to tell him that “your wife disrespected me so damn your marriage.” Now understand that Ms Sasha is redeeming herself to be a woman of God but she is sleeping with someone else’s husband. I hope you make the decision that is right for you but in all of this, take care of yourself because that is what is important in the long run. Believe me, if he wants to leave you for her, he will but know that this other woman is really not that important to him. Only important enough to get what he wants from her. Be strong!
Wonderer
You really have deep issues because of your last posting. Who are you? I was responding to another woman’s comments. Have you considered a divorce or therapy?
Why do you feel the need to trash me or any other woman? I do not know you or PrincessSashamonia. Maybe you should confront your husband and move on. Many of us on this site want honest help, not information from a pissed off wife with no common sense.
I am a wife that has dealt with a “cheating” husband. I did not chose to trash him or the other woman. I would have never posted the comments you have made. I read this blog to keep me grounded.
I have also figured out that you are the same female that posted on “my husband gave me an STD”. Don’t you have any sense of personal pride or privacy. I would not tell the world that my husband gave me an STD “twice” and still be stupid enough to stay with him. You appear not to have any respect for yourself or the privacy of others.
Seek professional help.
Oh Sasha,
Nahhh, no need to confront any of them involved unless of course you want to do that for all of us here. No common sense, it seems that any woman who pursues a married man and vice versa does not have the common sense I would think, what about you? Probably not, huh?
You figured eh? I should ask of you, do you have personal pride? I don’t think any of us need it here, remember it’s anonymous unless you want to post your name. That makes it private too. You didn’t figure that out either? Why worry about the privacy of others when they are sneaking, sounds like they don’t want or need privacy to me. Now did it take much common sense to figure that out, lol? I think not!
Hi Simonia, lol
I am not trying to crowd your space any more. I wish you both the best in life. Do not worry about me because I always land on my feet. Don’t be sorry that I feel this way because ultimately it does not matter. All that matters is that you continue to do whatever makes you happy. I just wish we would have ended this last year. I am hurting so the selfish part of me wants you to feel my pain, frustration, and anger. The nonselfish part of me want you to feel absoultely nothing. I wish I could just find someone as good as you one day. I hope that he loves me like you love your wife. One day I will be as lucky as you to find such a special person. But for now I just want to move on with my life. Have a great weeekend. I will not disturb you.
Liza, and you think they are just a little bit smarter than that…..
berlinlife06, definitely a fantsy thing happening.
But, it’s really hard for us ordinary women to live up against that fantasy because normally, we don’t have that type of sex drive. Plus, those women get paid to do that….. for a good amount of money.
What I don’t understand is if you love someone and you want something different out of your relationship you need to give the other one the respect of at least talking to them and seeing where they may stand on the issue.
tater03
Most people are afraid of change and rejection. A lot of times we know and see the signs that something is wrong within our relationships. We just want to blame someone because we have not tried to repair the relationship. Sometimes looking at ourselves is all the blame we can handle.
There are several questions I would like honestly answered:
1. Why don’t we ask the hard questions?
2. Why do we search our mate’s lives for cheating, but then can’t handle the truth?
3. Why do we get so angry with the other person when that person owes us nothing?
4. Can we handle change in a long and stable relationship?
5. If the relationship was not good before the cheating began, why so much fighting when it is brought to light?
6. Is loosing the respect of your friends and family worth a cheating mate?
7. Why do people stay in relationships for the children? The children are not sleeping with you or making your miserable.
8. Hurt Spouses- Why do you post the other person’s person business and NOT your cheating spouse or your name?
9. Do you find these sites helpful?
10. After everything that has gone on with a cheating spouse and the damage you have caused, why do you stay?
I know if my husband was cheating on me I would be devastated. But I just cannot fathom not wanting to know in the end. I couldn’t live with the lies and doubts and trust issues in the relationship if I thought he was and didn’t ask him or try to find out the truth no matter how hard it would be.
Oh Liza, I’m sure that every man out there has got porn stashed in their secret compartment at home
Some porn sites display photos or videos and have the option of meeting others, but that certainly doesn’t mean that everyone who goes there corresponds with others.
Ultimately I think it would be best to address the concerns with your husband, which I’m sure could be difficult.
SageMother, lol…. I think that the reason pornos are banned is because we are such a god fearing community and acts like these are not made for public display
Imaginary Diva, that may be true in a specific community, and I’m sure you know that there are plenty of areas where porn with consulting adults is not banned. Also not all communities share that religious view.
As a result, there are different views on porn which contributes to its distribution in some cases.
berlinlife08, porn stars might make a ton of cash but it is a high risk job…. think of all the potential health problems that they are facing. I think it’s just plain disgusting to think of all the germs they are carrying.
If I was single, I probably will make sure the question “have you ever been a porn star before” makes it to my list of pre-qualifying questions when I meet a guy.
Imaginary Diva,
You are right, porn stars do make a ton of cash and it is definitely a high risk job. Okay, is it me or are we seeing more infidelity make its way out these days? The same story though, the other woman always seem to think that the man will leave his wife and family for her. Will they ever know that they are just there to as pick up “bitches” instead of steady women? Is it just me or do we see more and more of the “other women” hanging around like the slim they are, lol? I don’t know but I guess they do serve a purpose in life and we have to give them their due….”semen holders.” Way to go ladies….or are they really a lady?
The One,
The wives stay because they know their husbands are with women like you who are there to fulfill their temporary moments of needing sex. They are fine cause they have developed that relationship with their husbands, they know what they want, and they give them the space to do it…be with “other women” who will allow themselves to be used knowing he is not going anywhere but home. He is a family man who really knows his family is important to him and that women like you are weak and and need them to build your self esteem. No, the wives don’t need to go, they should stay cause they have made that investment. Haven’t you heard that it makes no sense to invest in short term stocks, you don’t get great returns on them. It’s better to invest for the long haul, let it sit and build, then reap the benefits of your investment.
So in essence, if he is using you or other women like you let it be okay because you and the others will become old and no longer be that fantasy and then he will move on. He may move to something new or just decide that his time “out there” is over and now it’s time to grow up. He knows that you are what you are and get tired of lying and listening to you whine that you are in this “unfair relationship” and want more. When he gets tired of that you will be replaced and the next one will come alone. You will continue your ways of being the “other woman” and maybe, just maybe you will get a husband and the “other woman” will show you what you were and how similar you all really are…sad women with low or no self esteem or respect for yourself or the institution of marriage and family. God be with you cause in your fake way of praising him, you must know that you will reap what you soweth. You do read the word don’t you? Oh yea, you may actually have lived that fake life with him hoping that he will be with your forever. God really is with you even when you don’t see but one set of footprints in the sand.
T
I do not agree with all your comments. I am a divorced woman and I would not stay with a cheating husband. The same fantasy that my ex-husband was getting in the street; he could have gotten it at home. I left my husband because he had no respect for me or our marriage. So, I will admit our divorce was not all his fault. We had some issues in the marriage, but who the hell doesn’t.
It appears that you are only speaking for yourself, not all wives except cheating. I do not have any married friends that would allow their husband to cheat and turn their heads to it.
If you are a wife that is totally fine with your husband cheating on you-Great! It appears that you have esteem issues that need to be handled as soon as possible or maybe your are desperate for a man.
It is true some husband do find there way back home. I agree why should the wife or husband give up a life that she/he is comfortable with. I just really appreciate the wonderful attorney and judge that has help me to keep my lifestyle.
The One,
You make some interesting points and it’s amazing that you finally see through the trees. I find a few things interesting about your post though and you can help me analyze it a little more. I see in your post a lot of pain and I sympathize with you. It sounds like rejection is the focus of your post but why would any spouse have to worry about signs of something being wrong especially when it involves a cheating spouse. Many may not “see the signs” because the spouse is very good at his or her cheating ways. Many over compensate to ensure the other does not find out, which is a coward.
As I said, many cheating spouses usually pick those who are below the standards of the one he or she may have at home, which makes it easy for them to continue the cheating ways. It’s not about looking at “ourselves” but the other woman in many of these cases, she cannot handle the rejection nor can she handle looking at herself because of her ways.
There should be no questions of why another spouse is cheating because it’s an institution that is brought together by God. If we are of God’s ways then we know that adultery should not be happening, right? We should not have to search our mates lives for cheating because if those substandard individuals would take a look at themselves and not be the lower part of the cheating “unfair relationship” then there would be no need. The question should be why would I, a real woman allow any man to use me as he chooses and throw me away when he is done? Should never be the case for any woman. This is not what any mother would want for her daughter, is it? We should teach our daughters to never let a man take advantage of her but we should also teach our daughters never to be the one to give the advantage away.
The other person owes everything to her self and should not expect anyone to look after her. Why make the decision to be the “other woman” or what most men refer to “as something that just happened?” Very degrading for any woman.
Why would any woman want to deal with the change of being the other person for the man or anyone? That is the type of change that signifies the woman does not respect herself. Is this the image we want men to see? If so, then they know they have an easy prey that any man could use. Why would he want us?
And only the other woman would ask this question, “If the relationship was not good before the cheating began, why so much fighting when it is brought to light?” Why would be so dumb to believe that the relationship was never good in the first place? Haven’t we realized in these days that he will tell us what we want to hear so that he can get what he wants, “you on your back and legs wide open?” We need to stick together as women to teach those who are lost and can not find their way.
Family is suppose to be there for us, use your family to keep you safe and help you be the lady we should be as women. Ladies will never sell themselves for the sake of “having a man” that someone else has. Never!!
Why do other women destroy relationships with children in it? The children should not be forced from their parents for the other woman to be laid. That is not right and we are supporting and helping to increase the divorce rates in this country. Is that God’s intention? I don’t think so because his word says, “What God has brought together, let no man put asunder.” That means YOU as “other women” in case you did not get it.
Hurt “other women,” why do you constantly pursue and degrade yourself by continuing to break up families and marriages? Now, we have to wonder if you or those like you find these sites helpful? I hope so because it’s your own self esteem and respect that is at risk. The husband continues to fight for his marriage, family, but yet keep you, I think when he wants to relieve himself. Why allow yourself to be degraded as a woman like this?
If the cheating spouse continues to cheat, then you continue to allow yourself to be used, humiliated, disrespected by that cheating spouse and man; you continue to beg him to leave his family, abandon his child, forsake his vows before God, and foster the sadness in your own life. Just why do you stay after the damage you have caused? Your self esteem to be lowered even more, your self respect to be lowered, the respect of your colleagues and others who know you are involved with breaking a child’s dream and family apart. Is he really that good to you? Probably not at the end of the day, so stop and look at who you are at the end of the day. Are you really that woman who sit in church clenching your Bible, raising your hands to Heaven, and then going to bed with this married man?
Who are you really? Who are the women really? God be with you! The God of YOUR understanding cause only Satan foster chaos and blesses the behavior you speak of. WWJD, really what would he do?