I Found That My Husband Cheated On Me When I Was Diagnosed With An STD
POSTED BY AMC - A READER CONTRIBUTED STORY
Hey all, I’ve never done this before, so hopefully this get to someone. I started to feel sick the day after christmas. I noticed that i had small bumps near my genitals, so naturally i freaked and decided to check my husband’s cell phone which NEVER leaves his sight unless he’s asleep. I waited for the bastard to start snoring and I took the cell from the charger and took it into the bathroom to read…all my suspicions were right. I could only read 3 of the 29 texts she sent and 16 that he sent before i got sick to my stomach. I them confronted him at 3am and asked who she was. He told me they were just friends. he then proceeded to erase all the texts so that i wouldn’ t “read into them” . If they were just friends, how come he’s hiding what was said between them? As I looked into cell phone records, i noticed that this “friendship” had been going on since early October. I feel like such an idiot for letting this thing happen right under my nose. I found out they were calling each other 4-5 times a day, sometimes in the very early morning hours of the night which was easy for him since he’s a stupid cop and works crapy hours. They even talked 5 times on my bday with him calling me just once; he called her when we were in dallas for a football game with me asleep inside at 2 oclock in the morning; we were in vegas right before christmas and looking at the bill, he called her during the intermission of “Mama Mia”. These are the things that hurt to most. When I ask him about her he can only tell me her first name “Tiffany”, she 34, lives at home w/her parents and her son. Why is he protecting her when he didn’t bother to protect me from an std? where is his loyalty? I’m sorry on going on and on, but may be someone out there can give some advice. I feel so alone and inadequate and angry.
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39 Responses to “I Found That My Husband Cheated On Me When I Was Diagnosed With An STD”
February 1st, 2008 at 9:08 pm
Dear AMC,
I hope you have made a decision whether or not you are going to stay with him. Not only has he broken your trust and hurt you by being with another woman, he has given you a disease that can possibly affect you for the rest of your life.
You have every reason to be upset and be mad about how he can do this to you. I would feel the same way too, and I’m sure all the other women out there reading this also understands how you feel.
You have to give him a pass when you gave him a chance to clean up his act after you confronted him about the text messages. And he didn’t!
Now is the time to be thinking about what is important to you - your health and your sanity, instead of that jerk. Things happen in life sometimes that we have no control over. But now that you know, you need to take charge and make a decision for what’s best for you.
February 6th, 2008 at 7:12 am
You are not alone. You are not inadequate. You are with a cheater. You need to decided what is best for you. One thing is certainly clear and that is that you are married to someone you cannot trust with your life, he proved that when he endangered your health. You need to see a counselor and make some decisions. For starters, you need to figure out what YOU want to do.
February 6th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Have you talked with a lawyer? Sometimes knowing your options makes all the difference in the world. You might not be able to get rid of the STD, and it is small comfort to know that most people have some form of Herpes, but it will help for you to work toward reestablishing your sense of control and well being.
February 6th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I completely understand why you are feeling the way that you do. The only thing I can offer is you really need to think about what you want now. Can you ever trust him again? Personally I would not be able to trust someone that cheated on me not to say bring home an STD on top of it.
February 7th, 2008 at 6:58 pm
I hope you are not still with him. What he has done is very wrong. I don’t know how I would be able to trust him again after that.
February 7th, 2008 at 8:03 pm
Thanks for the input. We are doing the whole marrige couselor thing right now, trying to get through this. I guess I’m just a very forgiving person, or maybe I’m just plain stupid? Whatever the case we’re trying to work it out, because in the end, I love him, but I absolutely detest what he has done to me.
What I had was treated and is gone, maybe that’s why I’m able to try working on this. What’s really bizzare is that this has brought us closer together. He’s appologized, and is more attentive, and makes sure that he tells me he loves me before he goes to work. That doesn’t mean that he’s off the hook though. There’s still a lot that has to be done to repair not only me heart but our marriage.
February 8th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Sometimes you just wonder why they stop doing what they are doing when they get caught. Why don’t they just move on and be with that person, if they want them so bad? But then they expect us to just deal with it and stay with them and try to get over it. I don’t know if I would be able to live with, but I guess it is easy enough for me to say, not being in that situation myself.
February 8th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
SageMother, you are so right.
The best thing is to get control of the situation. And a lawyer sometimes can give you a direction of where you should go.
February 9th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Tater03, I agree with you on that point.
Trust is very important in a marraige. Sure, there have been a lot of relationships that stood the test of time. But if you ask the person that has been cheated on, they can forgive though it’s hard to forget.
February 10th, 2008 at 10:25 am
AMC, you are so considerate to let him off the “hook”.
It is also good to hear that he is trying to make ammendments and going on counselling then with you.
You can see that you have become a priority to him, that no matter what his indiscretions have been, you are still the most important to him.
You should keep us posted on the progress.
February 12th, 2008 at 12:48 am
Trick-r-treat, I actually had the same conversation with a friend this evening about a similar situation.
He decided to stay with his girlfriend because he wanted to give her another chance to set things right.
February 13th, 2008 at 9:55 am
Sometimes fellows need to get that shock of being caught, to make them stop and think about their priorities.
I am amazed when people talk about women’s hormones and the issues associated with them. Male hormones totally shut their brain down. A little wake up call is sometimes the only thing that will get them out of their testosterone driven fog and back into what really matters in their lives.
February 14th, 2008 at 4:54 pm
I’d say that the discovery of the STD told you more than going through his phone. It sounds that you have lost all respect and love for your husband; you have alot of issues, thoughts, and emotions to process. You have more than ample reason to want to end it, but that can only be arrived at by you.
February 18th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
That’s just sick, sometimes I don’t understand men, you are at home slaving on the house and your appearance and they are out doing whatever they please, it’s just disgusting!!!
February 19th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
This really smacks of a self-denying and self-centered mate who has no thought for anyone but himself. He isn’t being at all considerate of either your feelings or your health. Dump him!
February 23rd, 2008 at 9:27 am
I was looking for an article to help me. I just found out that I have a std (treatable. I have been married to the same man for 34 years and never have I strayed. I would never believed that he would have an affair. I want to know who, what and when. I made him an appointment to test his prostate and hopefully his std. My dr gave me medicine for both of us but I haven’t told him or gave him his medicine. I waiting for him to find out that he has a std and admit that he cheated and I don’t know what I will do then. One day at a time. Next thing I am going to do is talk to a lawyer about my rights I don’t want to lose all my stuff that I have gotten in 34 yrs. He shouldn’t be entitle to anything since he is the cheater.
February 24th, 2008 at 8:19 pm
SageMother, LOL! If that isn’t the most funniest thing I have ever heard.
You know how much money the pharmaceutical companies will make if they find a “cure” for it?
February 25th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
AMC, I’m glad that this experience has given your partner the kick up the behind that he needed to remind him what he has at home. Fingers crossed for you both.
March 7th, 2008 at 11:11 am
You are sooo not alone and not inadequate. I just found out my husband cheated on me once. It wasn’t about love or me not being a great wife. I can listen, be sexy, beautiful, etc.. He was looking for spice, looking to feel wanted. Maybe our sex life is not as great, maybe we’re stressed & tired with chidren, but that’s no excuse. We’ve lost our connection, but hey, after 6 years that can happen. It’s not “new” and exciting anymore. We’ll go to counseling. We have twin girls involved so I won’t just ‘divorce’ not until we’ve talked more and made decisions. You still love him, but trust is gone. That’s hard to recover from. I’m trying because I know the one night stand (I think) was not because of anything I did wrong. And neither wants a divorce right now. But I deserve better, so do you. I believe in one chance to make things better because we still love each other and I married him for better or worse til death do we part. Some couples do survive this. But ever again and I will leave with NO hesitation. “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.”
March 18th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Sandra, my heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. Be strong, you did nothing wrong. Know that. He’s the one who couldn’t keep his pants on. You’re right, take it one day at a time that’s all you can do (that and plot his demise, just kidding, no, hers, double kidding).
Talk to people. Trusted friends or clergy. That’s how I began my healing process. You’d be surprised how talking about your feelings helps. Write down what your feeling or vent on this site. Just know that you are not alone, even though it may feel like it.
In my experience, my husband has yet to admit that he slept with his “friend”, but then again, I was told by my counselor that in her experinces, many men don’t admit to the wrong even if they are caught red handed.
I can’t really give advice on what to do next, because I have choosen to stay with him and work things out. Everyone is different and their cicumstances are too. Although it enrages me that you have given 34 years of your life to this “man” and this is what you get in return. No wonder so many people choose not to get married. With the number of people who have a problem with fidelity, there should be some kind of law against it where the cheater and their “friend” get punished somehow. Can you say castration?????
My thoughts and prayers go out to you, Sandra keep your head up girl!:)
March 28th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
I can certainly understand how you feel. My husband had an affair, we tried to make it work, but it didn’t. Too many lies! I became pregant and he was living with the other woman. Then she became pregnant too. Imagine having two kids in one year.
I developed pre-eclampsia, but right before that, I noticed a bump near my vulva. I was hospitalized for seven days before they had to induce me as my kidneys and heart were failing. After I gave birth is when the other woman told me she gave my husband herpes. And that he knew. That disturbed me so much that I did so much research on herpes and even called the Health Department. The things I found out about the damage to my baby made me angry.
My husband still refused to admit the truth to me about anything and my life was filled with confusion. But once I had my hands filled with the baby and my other kids, I started thinking less and less of him. I was basically living on my own and raising the kids on my own.
It is difficult to move on when you have such a painful reminder. I have been having more breakouts, maybe due to stress or that time of the month. I never really noticed the breakouts before, but now that I do, it always reminds me. I know that my husband suffers worse with his breakouts, and maybe that is what he deserves. Come to find out he’s a serial cheater and has cheated the whole time we were together. Cheated on the other woman too. Now, he’s a lonely, broken man.
Everyone’s situation is different. I believe in forgiveness, but forgiving a person doesn’t mean that you have to stay with them. For me, I knew that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life suffering because of someone else’s issues. The trust is gone and will never be gained back like that. For him or anyone else. I have learned that you can’t trust anyone 100%. And that sometimes when you lose, you win. I may have lost my husband to another woman, but I gained a whole lot more than she did!
March 31st, 2008 at 7:59 pm
AMC, I still think that he hasn`t admitted to sleeping with the other woman because, when it really came down to it….. he values that this relationship is what is best for him.
Most guys when confronted by this will take the easy way out and agree. Then leave.
I do hope things work out for both of you and it`s good that you have given yourself time to vent and time to talk to other people about it.
April 4th, 2008 at 9:25 pm
Thank so much for all your comments and understasnding at a time when I felt like the “Lone Ranger”. Since I busted him, we have been seeing marriage coach, my own couselor, and now a marriage couselor who has helped us imensely get through what has been the roughest, darkest time of our lives. Although he yet to admit sleeping with the other woman, I know in my heart the truth and I have come to terms with it, even if he has not or ever will. I have forgiven him but am still angry and hurt with him. The weird thing is most of my anger is directed at her because she knew he was married and still pursued him anyway. I know it was his decision to cheat on me but I can’t help wondering if she went along with it BECAUSE he was married.
On March 27, we, along with family and friends, took a trip to Las Vegas to renew our wedding vows(something we planned to do to celebrate our ten year anniversary before I caught him with her). During the ceremony, I couldn’t help but think that us going through this and starting oer again has been a growing experience for the both of us. You know what they say, “that which does not kill us, makes us stronger”.
On another note, I found out on Monday, that the other woman’s father commited suicide. When I found this out, I immediately thought what goes around comes around, the pain she caused me is pain she is feeling right now. Be it mean and evil as my friends have told me about the way I feel, I can’t help but wonder if this person is looking back at what she has done to deserve this. I thought about texting her a mean and nasty something, but my friends have talked me out if it asking, “So you’re saying your husband had nothing to do with it, He was innocent, shouldn’t you wait for something bad to happen to him??”
Although they are right, and I have decided against contacting her I can’t help but feel a sense of satisfaction that she is hurting and knows what it is like to lose something valuable and important to her and I had lost my sense of security and trust and love in my marriage. Am I wrong to feel this way????
April 4th, 2008 at 10:50 pm
6 years ago, my internet answering machine showed that i was getting a call from my best friend. The message, full of profanity, didn’t sound like her. I immediately got offline and called her. She was ranting about her Son in Law who she and her husband had just found out was cheating on their 8 months pregnant daughter. When she was finally about to take a breath she said “I want to kill him”. The tone of her voice was that it was clearly a dare for me to contradict her. I didn’t. I told her I didn’t blame her for her emotions. I was the only friend who did this. All of the others said “Oh, you don’t mean that”. But the fact was she DID mean it. She didn’t go through with it and the two divorced etc. But she DID mean it and she was entitled to her feelings and emotions. What she didn’t need was to have her friends dismissing them and telling her that they were not valid.
One of those friends apologised a few months ago. She has been going through a divorce with a cheating husband. Now she understands the emotions because she feels the same way.
So no, there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling. There is also nothing wrong with how your friends are feeling. Here is how I look at it: You husband is more at fault than the other woman. HE is the one who married you and promised to be faithful. That other woman promised you nothing and owed you nothing. You place the blame on her because it’s easier than placing it on your husband where it really belongs. It wasn’t her job to be faithful to you. It was his and he failed.
I’m not going to suggest that you have compassion for her. I’m not saying she deserves any. But if her punishment for the affair is the death of her father, imagine what you husband has due him and watch out for stray lightning bolts.
April 6th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
Heather, you are right. Everyone always deserve a second chance especially when you have children to think about. And there really was a time that divorce was not an option at all because couples worked it out through thick and thin.
I believe by giving him the benefit of the doubt, you are perhaps making way for a much more strong relationship. Good luck and things will work out.
April 11th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
LAC,
That is really such an inspirational story.
I am just reading your comment and I even find it hard to forgive him. I mean, you had your children to look after and at the same time trying to come to terms with what he has done and the sickness that he has given you.
There really is a point that you need to move on and be able to look back and say that it was the best thing you could ever have done for yourself and your family.
April 11th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
The thing about marriage counseling: you have to both really want to make the relationship work. In too many cases, it is usually only one person that really wants to go, and that is the person who was willing to work on it in the first place.
April 15th, 2008 at 7:53 pm
AMC,
It’s not wrong to feel that way at all. It’s karma. You can only expect nothing to receive what you dish out.
You have taken the most logic way to save your marriage. Even through all the pain and the doubt, you have managed to give your relationship another chance. Most women would have gone over to the other women’s house and clawed her eyes out. I know I would have, if it was me. But you didn’t. And that just makes you the better person.
April 15th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Accer, lightning bolts indeed!
Life has a way with dealing with those that make other people miserable.
For AMC, this was probably an abberation on her husband’s part and it really does take two to tango. But that’s all in the past and they are moving forward strong. I am very happy for both of them!
April 16th, 2008 at 3:19 am
LAC here with an update. My husband was diagnosed with colon cancer, stage 1, two weeks ago. He came down to visit the kids this past weekend and I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel bad for him because in my mind I know that what goes around, comes around. In his phone calls, he would mention that I have to take care of him because marriage is about the good times and the bad. I pointed out to him that he only seemed to want me during my good times and not my bad times. Can’t forget everything that I went through and be there for him. How stupid would I look? This is what divorce is about. If he were with the other woman there would be no question of me being there for him.
He is in individual counseling and is seeking help. So, I will give him that much. But he thinks that I’m going to wait for him to get better and get his act together. But how do you continue to love someone when you are leading separate lives in different states? Besides, it’s hard to forget everything he’s done. When it comes to him, I can’t help but feel second best. If things had worked out with him and the other woman, or any of his other 30 affair partners, he would have left without a backwards glance.
I feel bad for what he’s going through right now and know that if things were different, I would be by his side. But I have a lot of anger towards him so I turn my back and keep walking away. He’s scared but he has his mother by his side. As for the other woman, well, she moved on while my husband was still living in the house. Once he moved out, the other guy moved right on in. I questioned whether she really loved him and is just the type of girl that collects kids the way a tourist would collect souvenirs - as a reminder of where they have been. I heard that she’s trying to reverse her tubal ligation and wants a baby with this new guy. She has only been with him for two months, but it’s the same as it was with my husband and he sees that now. Two unhealthy people do not make a healthy person.
I am still moving forward even though I do think about things sometimes. You realized that something like this will always be with you but the hurt lessens in time.
April 17th, 2008 at 9:48 pm
Imaginary Diva,
Trust me, I wanted to find this “person” and beat the tar out of her really badly. It took everything I had not to, especially after I found out where she worked and lived. You’re right I am the better person…always have been, always will be.
LAC,
You’re right, what goes around DOES come around, but in the strangest and sometimes the cruelest ways. Now that he “needs” you so much, think to yourself where he was when YOU needed him. If you can get past that, maybe you can be there as a friend, maybe more. If not he still has mom. Remember, you had nothing to do with this turn of events in his life.
April 21st, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Trick-r-treat, that’s why amc is lucky that he wants to try to make it better and counselling is working for them.
But, I have seen it happen, that the woman drags the man to counselling when he’s not interested. In that case, we probably can take a guess as to what’s gone wrong in that relationship. His heart is not in it and no amount of counselling is going to help it.
April 26th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
LAC,
I feel so much sympathy for your husband. Cancer is a very hard thing to deal with and it not only makes you uncertain about your life expectancy, it affects everything else that revolves around your life. These are the times that you always go back to things that bring you the most comfort. I know because I am a cancer survivor.
However, you are right in acknowledging that the time’s long past that he can claim his rights for “good and bad” times. He threw that away when he had an affair, started another family and left you for her. It seems to me that your relationship with him is just a little bit one sided on his part. And it’s probably the best that you are no longer with him.
As for taking care of him…. was he there for you when you were pregnant? Not only is this should be one of the joyoust occasions of being a woman, factor in the hormones and the hurt of him leaving….. He wasn’t there for you and he wasn’t there for his kids either. He doesn’t deserve your sympathy.
I knew someone who was in the same position as you and she lost about ten years of her life taking care of her ex-husband. I think your life could be best spent in other ways. Remember, you only live once and this is your life.
May 12th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
I know how you feel my husband of 12 yrs cheated on me (last year in 2007) for about four months with a woman with whom my cousin claim is a crackhead and a whore who sleeps with everybody. He actually admitted to cheating on me with her only because I had so much evidence against him and I got him to confess in front of our pastor at church. I truly believe in my heart that this was not the first time he cheated, because he was very good at concealing this affair. Therefore, with previous experience he had got accustomed to getting better at cheating and lying as time passed with each affair. In 2005 he gave me an STD, which to this day he will still say he didn’t give it to me how can I just wake up one day and suddenly have an STD, when I was married at the time for 9 Yrs and NEVER cheated or desired to cheat on my husband. The ultimate question is if these men would just be honest with themselves and the women in their lives and say I don’t want a serious relationship because I like being with different women, we would respect that more and indulge in that relationship according to the information provided. It would then be our fault if we got cheated on.
May 25th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
rcm,
That is aweful! And how can he turn around and make it look like you went out there and got the std yourself?
Did your pastor offer him counseling? Did you decide to stay with him?
May 27th, 2008 at 11:52 am
I used to work in a women’s clinic, and one of the things we did alot was test for STDs. When a woman was told that she indeed have an STD, the guy with her always denied everything, and most of the women believed it. Perhaps they were in denial, but it broke my heart to hear these scuzzers deny what was proof right in his face(!)and the women believe it.
June 27th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
I know my husband can not ever deny anything like that if it happened to me as I have not had any other partner before or after or marriage.
July 1st, 2008 at 9:04 pm
mollyL, it also worries me when women do that especially when the truth is facing them right in the face.
It’s so sad to hear that their self worth is so low. That’s probably why these men stay with women like these. They can pretty much get away with almost anything.
July 2nd, 2008 at 7:56 am
LAC,
Did you see the lab report showing he has cancer?
I am not saying he would lie to you again, but in your shoes, I would want to see the diagnosis for myself.