I read one of your articles about how to keep my boyfriend interested in me sexually. You said to try to change things up but honestly I feel like I just want to be myself because if he fell in love with who I am then why should I change just for him to show interest in me again?
He says that he would like a challenge and play hard to get sometimes and to tell him no more but, I feel like I’m playing games and I’m not exactly into it. Please try to help me figure out a way to get his interest back for me without me having to feel like I have to put on an act and be someone I’m not. ==================== Hello!
Let me tell you a little story:
One day, this inventor created the world’s greatest mousetrap. Never before had anyone ever seen anything so impressive! He was very proud of his work and just knew that he’d become a multi-millionaire because of how great his new invention was.
The problem was that nobody bought it.
If it was so great, why didn’t anyone buy it? Simple: it cost $200 each and was so complicated to use that nobody could figure it out.
So, rather than change his mousetrap, he went about trying to convince everyone how great it was, but they didn’t listen to him. They said nice things to placate him, but in fact, they still didn’t buy his mousetrap.
Finally, as an old man at the end of his life, he was just bitter that everyone else was “stupid” and just couldn’t see his vision.
..and everyone kept buying mousetraps for $1 that were “good enough”.
So, why did I tell you that story? You’re becoming that inventor. You’re convinced that your boyfriend should just like everything about you without you having to change or grow or do anything. You shouldn’t give him what he’s asking for because it means you have to do some work.
So, one day, he’ll dump you and go find some woman that WILL give him what he wants. Then, you’ll be left bitter and unhappy, believing that he’s “stupid” for not knowing what he had. Unfortunately, he’ll never know what he had because all he could see (and remember) was that girlfriend that didn’t want to put out any effort to be what he needed and she figured it should just be “good enough”.
There is nothing in this world that is more wasteful that this sort of attitude. It’s not an “act” or a put-on or anything like that to be what your boyfriend wants you to be! In fact, it’s all about relationship management.
Sure, you don’t want to have to be the only one that works hard to manage your relationship, but that doesn’t mean it takes no work whatsoever! Every relationship takes work and you know exactly what work yours needs. You should be very happy that your boyfriend actually TOLD you what he wants – many guys (and girls!) just think you should already know and get angry when you don’t!
Now, with all of that said, I’d caution you to get the REAL story from your boyfriend. Honestly, I seriously doubt that he always wants you to tell him “no”. Maybe he wants that once in a great while, but trust me; no man wants to have to constantly work for his partner’s affection!
This is likely his way of telling you something else. What that is, I don’t specifically know. Perhaps he wants to you to take on a character that challenges him where he has to become a little more aggressive with you or something like that.
Be careful about reading in the wrong thing here – go talk to him instead! Communication is THE aphrodisiac. Get a very clear picture of what he wants and then simply become that woman. You’ll never lose him if you do this, but you’re actually showing him the door if you don’t.
Best regards… —————————————————————— Have a love, dating, relationship, sex or man/woman question? You can write to me by going to: http://beingaman.com/ask_question.asp for answers. For more information about my books, “Being a Man in a Woman’s Worldtm” (volumes I and II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2007, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.
About the Author – Dr. Neder, known around the world as a tough, but fair relationship expert, deals with all sorts of dating, sex and relationship issues from a man’s perspective. Having written 3 books (”Being a Man in a Woman’s Worldâ„¢” series) and is working on others, hundreds of articles, been on hundreds of radio and TV shows, he is funny, direct and intuitive. Vist http://beingaman.com for more!
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Hmm, what if you are the one that wants it more, and he doesn’t?
I think that I agree more with the girl in this situation. It’s not about selfish, it’s about being comfortable in your own body and with your own actions. If your boyfriend wants you to do things, not only in bed, that you are not comfortable with, then don’t do it! If you are going to spend your time unhappy and doing things to please him, then is it really even worth it?
3Plus3, now that’s a huge dilemma
And really, it is something that happens more frequently than you think.
Jewel, I say that in order to be really happy in a relationship, you need to be happy being in it.
And you are right, if you just keep on doing things for him, then sooner or later, the need to do that will just go away.
I don’t think he wants someone to play hard to get, he wants a dominant attitude from the person asking for the advice. To test his “no” request, she should tell him there’s no sex until he’s done all of the household chores. I bet he would get really honest about his real desires then!
LOL!
I totally agree with Jewel, it doesn’t make sense you go against your morals and principles just to please him.
SageMother, LOL!
That is so perceptive of you.
Liza, then at this point, you just have to walk away knowing that person is not right for you if you have to work that hard in pleasing home.
The biggest mistake most women do, is they stay and try to change the man. Or even wonder for years why it’s not going right for them.
SageMother, That was correct, succinct, and hilarious! A woman would have to be super-secure with herself to do that. Of course, there are dominatrix out there that make alot of money off men and also get their house cleaned by guys that want to be a “slave”.
mollyL, oh please! Send me some of those men because my house is in dire need of spring cleaning!
I have seen relationships where the women does everything to please the men. Stay home and work all day to ensure he has a clean environment when he gets home, have dinner ready. Bathed and dressed in nice clothes and high heels when he gets home, but he still wants more.Sometimes men are like fire, they always want something more, no matter how much they get.
MollyL, I could even use one of those men, just for the cleaning, that would take loads off me.
Relationships are always about compromise and if you love someone you will want to please them, but you can’t do that by being something you are not. You should let your partner see the real you. I really don’t think you have to change beyond your comfort zone just to keep your partner interested, that is not an equal relationship.
Some times people change, just because time goes by, and it is impossible to remain the same person and not be affected my experiences. I think that changing not your core but just adding some “spices” might keep your partner interested… boredom is more real than we want to admit.
That is right, time and circumstances change people and it takes good communication and closeness to keep a relationship working.
Liza, that’s so true.
Some men you have to work harder to please, but no matter how much you do all the things that they like…. it can never be enough for them.
I’ve been in relationships like that and it can really drive you bonkers.
I think both partners have to do the effort. The man and the woman should work together to please each other. The woman shouldn’t be the one carrying all the weight of “pleasing”.
I agree with berlinlife, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where one partner had to do all the pleasing.
It is really fulfilling when both partners go out of their way to do interesting things to please the other.
You should never try to be anything you’re not, but perhaps there’s a compromise? Possibly you can play into his fantasy occasionally and he can play into yours.
Scheduling.
Regardless of the situation, when fantasies are concerned you have to schedule time for them, meaning you also avoid their fulfillment becoming the main feature of your relationship.
IT may sound mechanical, but neither party should be expected to show the same enthusiasm for everything the other desires and finds pleasing.
If you schedule a fantasy night, weekend, or vacation, you walk away from the “Scene” until it is time for it again. This way anyone who needs time away from it, has it, anyone who wants it, gets it, and the guess work that creates tension, is eliminated
berlinlife06, what is that saying again?
Women want more love and men want more sex….. I think we all see love a different way and expectations are a little bit different when it comes to connecting with your partner for life.
I don’t agree with that saying, women want both and I think most men do too. I think Berlinlife is right about needing to avoid boredom. To get it right you need to work on good communication between you.
Liza, I think so too. Whether we (women) like it or not, or even feel that is unbiased, men are very sexual creatures of habit.
Sometimes it’s good to work on our bedroom techniques to prevent boredom from setting in. And, I think it will just mak it a more pleasurable experience for both involved.
Men are all different, just as women are. It is unfair to brand them all as ‘very sexual creatures of habbit’. Each man is a person with his own feelings, needs and desires. Don’t assume you know what he wants, for a successful relationship you need to learn to listen to and please each other as individuals.
Well put Kernow. Each of us needs to stop assuming that all men are the same and just focus on our own man and our own relationshp.
It makes me mad when people make stupid gereralisations about women, and it is just as unfair when people make generalisations about men.
Liza, well, since we are now talking about my favourite subject of all….. SEX ….. it is really important to enjoy having sex with your partner.
I must admit, I’ve bought myself how-to books…. and it was worth every penny I paid for
I don’t think anyone should feel forced to go beyond their comfort zone, but where there is trust and respect between you it is fun to try out new things. Just keep in mind that it should be enjoyable for both of you, not just him.