Office romances are tough enough, but… Take an office romance, add infidelity , and throw in an abusive relationship… and you have a potentially very dangerous love triangle.
Fact is, many people don’t get out much, and they meet their friends and lovers at work, at the gym, or somewhere in between. Office romances are a very common occurence, though potentially complicated and unpleasant if it goes bad.
It’s one thing to have a fling with someone at work. But it’s an entirely different thing to get involved with a married co-worker.
Courting a married woman
If the lady is married or engaged, things get a lot more complicated. A surprisingly common scenario is an unhappily married man or woman looking for a way out , an escape from their unhappy relationship. Co-workers tend to spend more time together these days than do married partners, so it’s only natural for a relationship to blossom and grow, particularly in the case of someone with an unhappy home life.
But beware the complications and implied promises. She may be clinging to you as her way out, in a “grass is greener on the other side” sort of way, not in a “I want to be with you forever” sort of way. The closeness doesn’t necessarily mean you’re “destined to be together”, or that you’ll even stay together once she leaves her relationship. Remember this isn’t necessarily malicious on her part in any way, it’s just the mind’s way of escaping a bad situation.
Abusive relationships… how to break the cycle
To take this up another notch, let’s throw in an abusive relationship. Not only is she unhappy with her partner, but he’s also abusive with her. So at home she’s emotionally and sometimes physically abused.
All of a sudden, your relationship with her is blossoming and growing more than before. You’re not only her friend and confidant, but in contrast to her spouse, you’re warm, loving, and kind – and she seeks and feels the promise of a better life.
This can be a good thing, but as you get close, you start wanting to help her escape her abusive relationship. You want her to be with you, and you want her to be safe, comforted, and happy.
But SHE is the only one who can break the cycle of abuse. She has to decide if and when she’s had enough, and she has to ask for help – or accept help. Until that time, until she has made up her mind that it’s time to leave, there’s no chance of making the abusive situation go away.
Are you in danger?
The other man is generally not too happy to see his replacement showing up… especially if he’s still engaged or otherwise in a relationship with the lady in question, and doesn’t yet know he’s going to out in the cold.
And when you’re talking about someone who is capable of violence, as in “an abusive spouse”, this is a recipe for bad things to happen.
How long should you wait for her?
Waiting for someone to pick a side is generally a bad idea , since your wait could go on forever. People don’t tend to pick a side and get un-stuck unless something changes and they NEED to pick a side – to avoid losing something they hold dear. This is why so many love triangles go on and on for weeks, months, or even longer.
Here’s a question from Su in Wisconsin, who is in this very situation and is wondering how long he should hold out and wait for her to choose a path.
Dear Dan and Jennifer,
I’ve known this lady from work for about a good 10 months and we have become good friends, but she is engaged and their relationship is going down hill.
I mean he yells at her, hits her, spits on her face and puts her way down like she’s not even worth anything. She tells me all sorts of things and she is in a dark hole.
Now we are getting closer and closer to each other. We have talked to each other about liking each other. I like her very much and want to be more than friends and she knows it too. I asked her the same question and she replied that she likes me as more than a friend too, but she still lives with him. I mean she has a son about 2 yrs old, and she likes how I treat him. I also ask her what I have that she wants, and her reply was “YOU! just YOU!”.
We pretty much see each other at least 3 to 4 times a week for a good 10 min to 20 min. When she invites me to go hang out with her at their place I’ll say yes or alright and it really makes her happy. She has told me a couple of times that hanging around me makes her happy and she is longing for happiness in her life, but is afraid of happiness. She also said that she keeps her engagement ring on so they won’t have to argue everyday.
I, as a man, have doubts about where we are heading. So my main question is this. Does she really like me more than a friend or just trying to take advantage of my kindness and where does this road lead us?
Just in case you are wondering, I’m a Scorpio and she’s a Taurus.
- Su (Wisconsin)
Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…
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I have seen many a offfice relationship gone sour and the thing is it really places a strain on the people around and also affects work related decisions.
As to the fact that she is a Taurus, I am a bit surprised that she puts up with such abuse, or at least isn’t giving back as good as she gets. A Taurean doesn’t change fundamental things in their life, such as a romantic relationship, very easily. As a Scorpio, I would enter into any kind of sexual relationship very, very, carefully. I would also stay totally away from your Taurean’s abusive man;things could go a bit crazy. I counsel restraint, and making sure you are viewing your Taurean the same way the rest of the world does. A few heart-to-hearts with your (good) friends at work, as to how she is viewed by others, is about the first thing you should do.
Liza, that is why most office nowadays have that policy of no internal relationships. It just makes it so complicated for everyone in office to work together. Because whether you like it or not, people take sides if things go wrong.
mollyL, I am also a big believer that our astro sign shapes up our personality.
I do, however, put caution to men out there who feel that they have to protect someone from an abusive relationship. They have to realize that once you are drawn in to this web it is hard to make it out on one piece. It needs to be understood that if there is a problem, she has the option to leave to escape the abuse. Sometimes I wonder, why do women complain and still put up with it. I mean, why don’t they leave?
Frankly I think that the signs have nothing much to do with your personality. I believe it’s more the culture that the person grew up with and the impact it had on their lives.
Liza, I so agree with you on that.
Last month a friend of a friend (a guy) asked me what sign I was…. and when I answered Gemini, you could just almost see the wheels turning in his head.
So, I had to ask…. “You think Geminis are the type to cheat on their husbands…. or are you just pulling my big leg?”
I’m wondering why she found it necessary to mention their astrological signs at all. I think they are the last thing I’d think of when trying to work out relationship issues!
The funny thing about popular astrology is that the sunsign/starsign plays a very small role in a person’s chart. It only represents what others might see, but doesn’t address motivations.
I don’t think office romances are ever a good idea, but it probably would be the most likely place to meet a “significant other.”
I agree, workplace relationships cause a lot of complications for the people involved and for those around them. I think companies are right to guard against them.
I have seen a workplsce relationship go bad in the place where I work and it made it very difficult for everyone. It is not good for business.
Sometimes it feels hard to have strict rules on workplace relationships, but it makes sense and it avoids a lot problems.
The comments in the article about getting involved with a married colleague are very wise. Not so long ago we had a situation at work where one long term relationship broke up, the man was involved with another married colleague and her marriage also broke up. Both women and the man worked in the same building. It became impossible, one woman had to leave, one had a short term transfer and the man was disciplined because it impacted on his work. The new couple have now split, so it is a complete mess.
chris1203, it would be so awkward dating someone in the same office. What if things don’t work out and everyone around you get so uncomfortable because they feel that they have to take sides?