Some couples are blessed with eternal happiness and an amazing relationship that gets stronger day by day, year by year. But others are just not so lucky, for any of hundreds of possible reasons.
Even though their relationship can start out great, they slowly start arguing and often grow apart until they’re downright miserable being together. Counseling can frequently help them mend their differences, but sometimes even that fails. Yet they stay together in an unhappy relationship because no one wants to think about break up and divorce; because to many, that means they’ve failed.
Often times, these unhappy people meet other unhappy people in a similar situation, and start an extramarital relationship, a.k.a. an affair. And no, it’s not always just about sex. Many times, an affair serves to fill an empty emotional void.
This new relationship can seem stronger and happier than the current marriage either partner is trying to escape. But, with the extreme stress and social pressure they’ll both face, can a relationship that starts out as an affair succeed and end up as a happy, long term relationship? Today’s question is from a lady in Australia facing this very real issue.
Dear Dan and Jennifer,
OK, I’ll prepare myself for an onslaught of hatred…. it’ll just mirror reality anyway. Two years ago I fell in love with a married man and the feelings were mutual. He had not loved his wife for many years – he had been feeling depressed and decided that was “his lot” in life.
We have tried a few times over the past two years to end things with each other, but we can’t. We feel – maybe as every affair couple does – that we are meant to be together. He has decided he cannot keep living a lie, and is making the first moves to move out. No, he is not going to tell her about me because it would make things even harder than they already will be (they have a 10 year old daughter). He has told her that he does not love her and wants to leave. She is resisting that, and is trying to do whatever she can to encourage him to stay. But he’s determined to leave, and eventually we will make our relationship public.
My question is, knowing that the statistics are poor for couples who get together as a result of an affair, what are the pitfalls we should be aware of, and how do we get through them. We want to be together forever. We know this is not ideal. But can you please offer some advice? — Ria in Australia
Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…
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I’m sure that there must be some marriages that began as affairs that were happy; it’s just that love that began as cheating doesn’t sound like a very firm foundation.
Not many of these types of relationships last in the long run. A relationship built on lies and deception is not a very good starting point. But who knows, yours may be the exception.
Debrajean, I guess a relationship built on list and deception is doomed from the start.
But the deception their relationship is built upon about is not between the two parties we are discussing. So although they have not acted very morally in having an affair with each other, you could say that they have not lied to each other. And in some ways they already know the worst about the other’s behaviour.
Green-Moo, that’s definitely one way of thinking.
At least, she shouldn’t be surprised if he cheated on her also because after all he cheated on his significant other with her.
I’ve really seen it happen when one of my friends was the other woman… then became the woman…. and then became the cheated on woman.
Served her right!
I know I am risking getting stomped on for this but I have to admit that I was in a 5 year relationship with a married man. We got along better than any other relationship I have ever had. Our only arguments were about the fact that he wouldn’t decide what (or who) he wanted. He loved me dearly and treated me great, but I just finally let it go. My family never approved of our relationship and were happy when I ended it, but they all really liked him a lot. I don’t know what kind of a relationship we might have had if it were a “real” one.
Trick-r-treat, wow, I can’t believe you were willing to share. It would have been very hard for me. I get very possessive with what I have.
There are relationships that started as affairs, and lasted.
Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy, Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, if I remember correctly, were relationships that began as affairs and lasted. And, Trick-r-Treat, 5 years is what I call a relationship that lasted.
I think people get hung up on a “forever”aspect that doesn’t exist. One person dies first, even in marriages considered extremely successful.
The universe may be forever, but human relationships never truly are. They are successful for the time they function well. That is the most reasonable hope we can have for them.
In answering the original question asked, I would say, it’s is highly improbable, because jealousy is going to be an up front factor, they will always remember how they cheated and schemed to be together so will be suspicious of each other.
I don’t think it is the best start for a relationshp because there must be a degree of guilt about how it began, but I am sure there are examples of people who made it work. I’m not sure I would trust someone who cheated on someone else to be with me, I would expect him to cheat on me too.
SageMother, I don’t think relationships were ever always like that. I do agree that the lifetime of “forever” in a relationship has shortened considerably today than in the 40’s – 80s.
Now, with the advent of today’s relationship coaching where people are encouraged to move on instead of settling their relationship problems, the future for relationships are even more bleaker.
Liza, jealousy is the worst evil that can happen in a relationship. It takes something that might not even be a problem into a total catastrophic imbalance.
In fact, sometimes it can even lead to “the” affair.
I didn’t think so until I met a very special couple. She was married when they met, and she fell in love with him, leaving then her husband. They moved in together, had 2 kids, after 13 years of being together she cheated on him, he cheated too, it was kind of an “open” thing for both of them, but they stayed together. Last year after 26 years of living together, they finally got married, and they are still together. I can’t imagine myself doing that, but I’ve seen it.
I think that must be the exception that proves the rule. I think in most cases it has less chance of working because it will invole a lot of unpleasantness and criticism, also frinds and family may not give the level of support that they would in other circumstances.
I think these relationships are doomed. I’ve never understood why some woman would want a man that is a proven cheater. You KNOW he’s a lying unfaithful jerk. Right from the start. I figure you will eventually get what you deserve from the mess.
While there is some comfort in maintaining that all of these relationships are doomed, it is dangerous to paint them with so broad a brush.
There must be something extremely special about those relationships that began as affairs. Perhaps someone will do a study, someday, that will reveal why many of these marriages actually flourish.
I think that if my relationship started out as an extramarital affair, i would never totally trust my husband because I’d know that he is capable of cheating.
I have never believed that any spouse should be trusted so much that the possibilities of infidelity be excluded from the realities of daily life. They needn’t be the main feature of the relationship, but to assume someone will be superhuman leaves one ill-prepared.
I also don’t believe that being aware that infidelity is possible needn’t have a negative impact on trust, for some couples. In fact, the need to keep tabs on the spouse may keep the marriage alive since both parties are very aware of what might be going on with each other.
Sort of nips the “taking things for granted” issues in the bud!
I am a believer that “one a cheater, always a cheater” so I don’t know if I could actually get into a relationship that started as an affair.
I heard of a man who cheated on his wife with his secretary, they eventually got married. The man was unable to keep a female secretary after that, his wife wouldn’t allow him.
Even if the relationship that started out as an affair can last, wouldn’t the third person has an conscience? Why would one want to destroy another couple marriage? Is there so few human beings on this earth left to choose as our life companion?
Justontime, I’d feel the same way too. I’d probaly be watching him all the time to make sure he doesn’t leave me for someone else.
The truth is, it’s probably my paranoia that is going to eventually drive him away.
I don’t think an affair is a good foundation to build a lasting relationship. If it involves lies and cheating in the first place that should raise big questions about this person as a life partner.
Exactly, if he or she was happy to cheat on their partner with you, what is to stop them cheating on you in the future?
I’ve heard that said so many times over the years… that if someone was willing to cheat with *you* they’re probably the kind who would cheat ON you, too.
That said, I really can’t see why a relationship that started this way couldn’t be a happy one if there’s love involved. Tough call that depends on the individuals involved, I think.
I think that what goes around comes around.
The people in these types of relationships were made for one another. It is obvious that they do not have moral substance, so they should have the mindset to deal with each other perfectly.
And if it does not work out, then they end up hurting themselves…Good! They had it coming.
Liza, LOL! You know, I worked for a boss before that left his wife for his secretary. When they got married I got her job after that and she had to come and check me out. She was around a lot of times after that
Brings back really interesting memories.
Definitely there are “lasting” relationships that began as affairs. I’d say that’s partly because people change over time and in some cases found themselves in relationships that weren’t strong enough to last. Some people get together for the wrong reasons.