Some couples are blessed with eternal happiness and an amazing relationship that gets stronger day by day, year by year. But others are just not so lucky, for any of hundreds of possible reasons.
Even though their relationship can start out great, they slowly start arguing and often grow apart until they’re downright miserable being together. Counseling can frequently help them mend their differences, but sometimes even that fails. Yet they stay together in an unhappy relationship because no one wants to think about break up and divorce; because to many, that means they’ve failed.
Often times, these unhappy people meet other unhappy people in a similar situation, and start an extramarital relationship, a.k.a. an affair. And no, it’s not always just about sex. Many times, an affair serves to fill an empty emotional void.
This new relationship can seem stronger and happier than the current marriage either partner is trying to escape. But, with the extreme stress and social pressure they’ll both face, can a relationship that starts out as an affair succeed and end up as a happy, long term relationship? Today’s question is from a lady in Australia facing this very real issue.
Dear Dan and Jennifer,
OK, I’ll prepare myself for an onslaught of hatred…. it’ll just mirror reality anyway. Two years ago I fell in love with a married man and the feelings were mutual. He had not loved his wife for many years - he had been feeling depressed and decided that was “his lot” in life.
We have tried a few times over the past two years to end things with each other, but we can’t. We feel - maybe as every affair couple does - that we are meant to be together. He has decided he cannot keep living a lie, and is making the first moves to move out. No, he is not going to tell her about me because it would make things even harder than they already will be (they have a 10 year old daughter). He has told her that he does not love her and wants to leave. She is resisting that, and is trying to do whatever she can to encourage him to stay. But he’s determined to leave, and eventually we will make our relationship public.
My question is, knowing that the statistics are poor for couples who get together as a result of an affair, what are the pitfalls we should be aware of, and how do we get through them. We want to be together forever. We know this is not ideal. But can you please offer some advice? — Ria in Australia
Watch this short video for our thoughts on this very interesting question…
About the Authors - Visit www.AskDanAndJennifer.com today. Ask Dan and Jennifer your most pressing questions on Dating, Relationships, Love, and Sex, and take a sneak peak at what others are asking. Subscribe to www.AskDanAndJennifer.com today and you’ll get the latest dating, relationship, love, and sex content sent straight to your email inbox. Copyright 2007 www.AskDanAndJennifer.com
I’m sure that there must be some marriages that began as affairs that were happy; it’s just that love that began as cheating doesn’t sound like a very firm foundation.
Not many of these types of relationships last in the long run. A relationship built on lies and deception is not a very good starting point. But who knows, yours may be the exception.
Debrajean, I guess a relationship built on list and deception is doomed from the start.
But the deception their relationship is built upon about is not between the two parties we are discussing. So although they have not acted very morally in having an affair with each other, you could say that they have not lied to each other. And in some ways they already know the worst about the other’s behaviour.
Green-Moo, that’s definitely one way of thinking.
At least, she shouldn’t be surprised if he cheated on her also because after all he cheated on his significant other with her.
I’ve really seen it happen when one of my friends was the other woman… then became the woman…. and then became the cheated on woman.
Served her right!
I know I am risking getting stomped on for this but I have to admit that I was in a 5 year relationship with a married man. We got along better than any other relationship I have ever had. Our only arguments were about the fact that he wouldn’t decide what (or who) he wanted. He loved me dearly and treated me great, but I just finally let it go. My family never approved of our relationship and were happy when I ended it, but they all really liked him a lot. I don’t know what kind of a relationship we might have had if it were a “real” one.
Trick-r-treat, wow, I can’t believe you were willing to share. It would have been very hard for me. I get very possessive with what I have.
There are relationships that started as affairs, and lasted.
Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy, Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward, if I remember correctly, were relationships that began as affairs and lasted. And, Trick-r-Treat, 5 years is what I call a relationship that lasted.
I think people get hung up on a “forever”aspect that doesn’t exist. One person dies first, even in marriages considered extremely successful.
The universe may be forever, but human relationships never truly are. They are successful for the time they function well. That is the most reasonable hope we can have for them.
In answering the original question asked, I would say, it’s is highly improbable, because jealousy is going to be an up front factor, they will always remember how they cheated and schemed to be together so will be suspicious of each other.
I don’t think it is the best start for a relationshp because there must be a degree of guilt about how it began, but I am sure there are examples of people who made it work. I’m not sure I would trust someone who cheated on someone else to be with me, I would expect him to cheat on me too.
SageMother, I don’t think relationships were ever always like that. I do agree that the lifetime of “forever” in a relationship has shortened considerably today than in the 40’s - 80s.
Now, with the advent of today’s relationship coaching where people are encouraged to move on instead of settling their relationship problems, the future for relationships are even more bleaker.
Liza, jealousy is the worst evil that can happen in a relationship. It takes something that might not even be a problem into a total catastrophic imbalance.
In fact, sometimes it can even lead to “the” affair.
Leave a Reply