Many of us find a new mate immediately after divorce. Your ex-husband may be one of them. This can be hard on you emotionally. My own ex took no break whatsoever. His relationship was the cause of our breakup. She moved in with him two months after he left my home. She left him after little more than a year. I was elated.
Her departure was satisfying on several levels. My feelings stemmed from my own hurt, and they also came from the disruption and pain she’d brought to my children’s lives. But I admit that revenge was a factor. I liked the feeling that my ex was finally getting his comeuppance. Now he would feel the sting of rejection. I wanted him to suffer this. I had good reason. He had thrown out 13 years of marriage, and I wanted him to pay for it.
His girlfriend had been a painful reminder of all that, and I couldn’t help but feel relief that her life no longer intersected with mine or my children’s.
But these feelings of relief and satisfaction were quickly tempered by the fact that he soon found another girlfriend. I decided that any woman was better than the last, but still I wondered, how could anyone want to date a broke, often-unemployed, overweight, balding man?
His new girlfriend was only 24, 14 years younger than he was. She seemed nice enough, but deep down it still bothered me that he was happy. Despite all the books I had read on spirituality, forgiveness, and love, I still felt rage.
Try as I might, I couldn’t understand these feelings. I no longer had any physical attraction to this man. I didn’t even like him. Why would I care? The real reason was that I wanted him to suffer for what he had done to me.
It is normal to have confusing feelings long after the divorce is final. An ex’s new partner can stir hostility whenever she comes in contact with your children. This is inevitable. Your life has been turned upside down. The familiar and routine are changed forever. Even if your marriage was filled with anger, it was still the life you knew. Some inmates find security in a prison cell. Marriage can be the same.
With divorce new people enter your life, some not by choice. You must find a way to deal with your ex’s new love. This is difficult if you are not currently in a relationship yourself. Why him, but not me? You ask over and over.
You feel you are a good person, and you deserve love. You feel as if your ex deserves loneliness and pain. Stop taking it personally. The right person will show up. Though it may not seem so now, he will arrive at exactly the right moment. Be cautious. Look before you leap. There’s no need to risk repeating a painful experience. Take your ex’s success as an omen. You know that if it can happen to him quickly, you too will find love. If his new love proves fleeting, don’t rejoice or worry about it. The longer you wait the better chance you have for a truly lasting love.
Don’t jump into something just to prove yourself. This is not a competition. This is a serious search for a love that will last a lifetime. You do not need to suffer again.
That doesn’t mean you should ignore your negative emotions. Release them. Talk to a friend or therapist. Punch a pillow. Wait until you are alone, then call your ex every dirty name in the book. Shout it and scream it. Let all of it go. Let go of all of the pain, hurt, and betrayal. The process may take months, or even years, but you will feel better in time.
That special someone will come, and your divorce will fade into memory. You will no longer harbor hateful feelings toward your ex. You will come to accept your ex for who he is, and wish him well.
About the Author
Christina Rowe is the author of the new book “Seven Secrets To A Successful Divorce-What Every Woman Needs To Know”. Find out the survival skills that will save you time, money and heartache during your divorce. For your free chapter of the book go to: http://www.secretsofdivorce.com
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Uh, no – I will never wish him well.
Sandi, there are still some exes that I would never wish well also. It’s just a good thing that they were just relationships and I didn’t end up getting married to them before I found out that they weren’t so nice after all!
It seem that you are consumed by unforgiveness which I know you are already aware of. I guess you just need to come face to face with the fact about how things are and start to move on with your life. If you plan on getting into another relationship you will need to deal with yourself first.
Liza, if you don’t deal with it now…. it’s just going to be extra baggage that you will take to your next relationship.
And I’m sure he / she will not appreciate all that extra emotional garbage.
I hate him, i wish he pays for what he did to me,
Sherry,
Karma has a way of biting you in the ass for your past sins, so one of these days, he’ll get his.
Besides you are probably better off without him anyway. He was never your soul mate or you will still be with him. There is someone else out there for you. You just have to be free to pursue it when life hands you that card.
Hope you are feeling better.
There is something that happened to Sherry and she needs to hang on to the lesson so it doesn’t happen again, or she is prepared to deal with it effectively when it happens again.
I have found that these things tend to repeat themselves, especially when you don’t let that anger run its course as is appropriate for you, and not others.
Everyone deals with rage in their own way. There is no reason for Sherry to let go of her anger. It is her armor and anyone who develops a relationship with her will have to rise to higher standards.
Sherry, use your anger and its energy to make your life better. That is what it is for. As long as you don’t use it to purposely hurt others, you will find a comfortable place to be without letting go of this knowlege.
Sherry, he will pay for what he did to you, but in the meantime, you need todeal with yourself, let go of the anger that consumes you, so that you will be able to find love again.
Sherry, as SageMother says, you can use your anger in positive ways. Just be careful that it doesn’t consume you.
SageMother, anger is a natural feeling when someone who we let close to us betrays us. It’s just natural for Sherry to feel that way.
Heck, there’s been times when I actually felt physical anger and wanted to do some serious damage to one of my ex’ property. But I’m glad I thought better of it because he is not even worth a second thought!
Life just gets better once you dump the excess baggage.
I don’t think that SageMother was suggesting that Sherry shouldn’t feel anger. Anger is a perfectly healthy reaction in these circumstances. But it can be channelled to become a positive thing for Sherry, and I hope that is what she is able to do.
Liza, but it’s good that she goes through all the bad stuff now instead of carrying all that luggage to her next relationship.
Green-Moo, anger is never good to keep bottled in.
I say work it out of your system and get over it. Learn when to step away and move on when the right time comes.
See what happened was that my ex ran off with an 18 year old. We were married 19 years. The 18 year old also tried to be with our 17 year old son. She told me ex that she did it just to make him jealous. She told our son that he couldn’t get it up the first time and also that instead of being at our 13 year olds birthday party he was with her. Much has happened since then. They have divorced and since remarried. (She cheated on him, beat him over the head and tried to run over him). I was loyal, took care of everything I could and just really wanted to make him happy. We have three beautiful children that don’t speak with him at all because of everything. Of course, I’m to blame (in his eyes). No I don’t wish him well, I don’t wish him anything. I never will. I wish myself happiness and I wish my children happiness. He is a jerk. I hope she hits him next time she tries to run over him.
Green-Moo, anger definitely can turn something negative into positive. It usually makes us want to do more improvements in our life, if not only to show off to our exes that our lifestyles have been enriched since they left.
All I’m just saying is that you have to let anger run its course before you can realize that you have done this.
Sandi, it’s good that you are very strong for your family. He deserves being cheated on and he deserves all the problems that she gives him. I just can’t believe that she tried to drag your son into her sick little lies. Something like this is very hard to work through and your family has stuck together like glue.
“SageMother, anger is a natural feeling when someone who we let close to us betrays us. It’s just natural for Sherry to feel that way.
Heck, there’s been times when I actually felt physical anger and wanted to do some serious damage to one of my ex’ property. But I’m glad I thought better of it because he is not even worth a second thought!
Life just gets better once you dump the excess baggage.”
I am not saying that anger isn’t natural. I am saying to NOT dump that baggage too quickly! It is a tool. Embracing it helps one avoid accepting the same behaviors in subsequent relationships.
Sandi, having now heard the story I can only say that they sound like they deserve each other.
Sandi, my wish for you is that you will find a fine, loving man who will treat you so well that you will find yourself saying, “When whats-his-name left me, that was the best favour anyone ever did me.”
My divorce is almost three years old. After everything that he has done (including his little girlfriend posting comments about me on her myspace), I am fine without any man at this point. Things are difficult, I am raising my three children alone and I am working two jobs. But I would rather do what I am doing now, then to ever have to go through what I went through again.
Good for you Sandi. A strong woman doesn’t need a man to make her life complete.
No matter how much you hate your ex (and he’s probably done things to merit hate), you have to keep some emotion on check if you have kids. If he is the father of your kids and made someone the stepmother, you need to be able to communicate with them enough for the good of your kids. It traumatizes kids as well to hear their father demonised; that’s their dad.
Molly, when the girl of your ex tells your son how their dad couldn’t get it up the first time they had sex and how yea he wasn’t at your little brothers birthday party cause he was at my house screwing me for the first time. I don’t think they need any help being demonized. Regardless of how much of a fantasy it is for some people to keep emotions in check it is not a reality in all cases. Every case is different – so I would before throwing blanket comments out there perhaps have sympathy for the one who did nothing wrong except love the ex. I loved my husband even tried very hard for him to come see the kids and rekindle the relationship he damaged between him and them, only for him to tell our 11 year old daughter that she has nothing to do with his private life and to let him live his life. He has not tried to make contact since.
Sandi,
Did this person really tell your son all of this intimate information? If so, and your your son was under 18 when this information was shared, you would have had grounds to terminate visitation, or at least ask that visitation be supervised!
I think your anger is justified, your hatred serves as energy for the task of raising your children without him. Don’t let go of it too soon.
Thanks Sage mother and yes, my son was 17 at the time. The girl was telling him these things as she was also trying to be with him. There are so many other things that have happened this is just the tip of the iceberg that I would have to write a book for people to get the full picture. (It’s embarrassingly a Jerry Springer/Dr. Phil show on steroids). I have sole physical and legal custody of my children, but because I know how important having a father is to children, I truly wanted them to have a relationship with their dad. Not at first, but after a couple of months when the shock and anger had subsided a bit. So I actively tried to get the kids to talk with him, they didn’t want to because of various things. But I continued to tell them that it was okay with me, and that he is their dad, and all the things you are supposed to say. But the whole time, he lied to them and to me regarding certain things. He was hurtful and mean sometimes as well. I continued to try because I listened to the conventional wisdom of all those “in the know” counselors and well meaning people who had heard the same things I had heard. About how important it is to grow up with a dad. But after continuous verbal slaps in the face, I asked myself, would you put your child in a room where you knew that someone was going to be verbally assaultive or emotionally abusive? No. Sometimes, life is not the fairytale textbook. I found that out with my marriage. All divorces and all situations are just not the same.
I have never believed that growing up with a dad was as important as “experts” would have us believe.
Your anger and hatred is more than justified, and can serve you well in maintaining the dignity required to honor yourself and the new family you are creating.
I’m in agreement with Sagemother there. Yes, I do think that having their father in their lives is important for kids. BUT, some fathers cause more damage than they are worth.
SageMother, I also think that anger is just a natural progression and you are right…. you have to get it out of your system before you move into another relationship.
I think if you were still carrying allot of anger when you entered another relationship that you’d find it had a detrimental affect on the new relationship.
Green-Moo, Sandi definitely is better off without him. It takes time to get over sadness like this, but you know…. it’s for the best.
mollyL, she might even erase all of the ex memory, that she’ll probably say “who? what? do i know you?”
Sandi, what a total bitch. I can’t believe she will go out and air out your ex’s dirty laundry on myspace, of all places!
You know karma is going to bite them back in the ass, and it’s such a good thing that your kids will not be around him to see it. They are better off with a solid stable parent, even if it is just one and even if you have to work hard to make a good life for them.
You are doing the right thing.
Remember that woman who set up the fake Myspace profile, talked to the teenaged neighbor girl, then dumped her…and the girl committed suicide?
Well she is being charged with a crime for actions she thought she could get away with.
You never know. Something might catch up to this woman as well! People like this have a long history of pretty outrageous behavior.
Green-Moo, I also do hope things work out for Sandi!
mollyL, that’s true.
In most cases, there will always be bad blood between families that split up. It’s just something that I don’t think will ever go away, even if acceptance does come.
However, children gets confused when they have to take sides. Later on in life, they pick up the same bad habits.
Sandi, your kids must be really “demonized” by that awful woman your husband is with. She probably is insecure with their relationship if she feels that she has to fight for his attention by making him look bad in front of his kids.
It’s bad judgement on his part because he still hasn’t realized that she might come and go in his life, but his kids will always be there for him.
SageMother, really!
If my kids had to be around someone like this on a constant basis, I would look for ways to make sure that their exposure to her would be minimal.
It’s a good thing that Sandi’s ex has not been in touch. He really doesn’t know what he is missing. I hope he realizes it soon because kids will only be kids for a short while. It’s hard to mend fences when they become adults.
Sandi, you are right, it’s very hard to just generalize. All divorces are different, but you did try to make the most of it. I hope he is helping you with child alimony.
SageMother, in today’s society, a single parent can provide as much love and support. We need to decide what is best for our children and being around negative forces will not help them grow up to well rounded individuals.
It’s really a good thing that Sandi’s ex is not actively involved anymore.
Green-Moo, if only life would hand over perfect men……
wouldn’t that be something.
Green-Moo, it’s true.
Hopefully, that extra emotional baggage goes away before it starts to affect the current relationship.
SageMother, that is outrageous and just plain sick.
Whatever happened to her? I hope she got jail time and learned that her actions have consequences.
Divorce is something many people do not think about before entering into marriage, no one knows the deep pains of divorce until they have actually experienced it.
Liza, people’s live change every day and sometimes we just have to take it one step at a time.
We shouldn’t be thinking negative thoughts before it actually happens. Believe it or not, these negative thoughts of “I’m going to get divorced” anyway can be conducive to a marriage going wrong because your partner will be able to pick this up.
It made me feel so sad reading some of these comments. Children should always come first and it is horrible when a parent pushes a child out of his/her life because of a new relationship. Bad stuff happens in relationships sometimes but should be strictly an adult matter, it is wicked when a child is hurt unnecessarily.
At what point are children taught to cope with relationships that end, through no fault of their own?
I worry that the tendency to protect them fails to adequately prepare them for the real world.
It IS difficult to see a child go through the pain of losing a parent to a new relationship, but the need to teach them how to cope with this is a necessary evil.
Justontime, I think that is really very selfish and self-absorbed for the new partner to expect that the children do not come with the package.
I think acceptance is a key essential part of making this relationship succeed.
At some point, the ex husband must have decided he preferred living child free, with the new partner.
Her expectations weren’t the only influences going on here. The ex-husband made the final choice.