Comments on: Online Infidelity – Is Your Partner Having A Cyber Affair?

By: Imaginary Diva

Imaginary Diva — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 01:41:59 +0000

Liza, LOL. You and me both! I think I’ve mastered the art on being a cyber stalker.

By: Hosea

Hosea — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 07:09:20 +0000

Imaginary Diva,

I’m sorry, I don’t really understand the question. I was trying to say that of course I take discussions of the relationship very, very seriously, but that they are really tough because my wife and I communicate so differently that it is easy for us to misunderstand each other.

Also, “setting boundaries” is fine in general, but it’s not a magic wand. If you say “My boundary is here” and your spouse says “I can’t accept that boundary,” where does that leave the two of you?

Did I misunderstand you?

By: Imaginary Diva

Imaginary Diva — Sun, 21 Dec 2008 23:55:50 +0000

Hosea, so what kind of “talk” do you take seriously?

I think the fact that your wife is open about her extra-marital affairs is pretty intense.

By: Hosea

Hosea — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 05:50:11 +0000

Imaginary Diva,
Sure, that’s true. Sometimes. Talking about relationship problems can help a lot. But it doesn’t cure everything. My wife and I communicate very differently: I’ll say something that I mean to be encouraging and supporting, and she hears it as demeaning and insulting. It’s eerie. We’ve tried to go over this again and again, and the fact remains that if it’s something personal or intimate, we have to talk for hours and hours before we can understand each other. (It’s easy enough to say “Please pick up a quart of milk on your way home,” of course.)

And as for “setting boundaries” … what kind of boundaries do you have in mind? If one of my boundaries is that it causes me huge anxiety for her to get into a physical or emotional relationship with another man, and if that’s a deal-breaker for her … where does that leave us? It’s easy to say that it leaves us separated, but that’s not so easy to do in the real world, when we own a house and have children that we both love more than life itself ….

I guess all I’m saying is that there are never simple, obvious answers. But you knew that already.

By: Imaginary Diva

Imaginary Diva — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 23:56:09 +0000

justontime, talking about potential relationship problems really does work. I don’t know why people are so scared to talk about them and set boundaries.

By: Imaginary Diva

Imaginary Diva — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 04:34:08 +0000

justontime, I agree with you when it comes to Hosea’s problem.

There has to be boundaries. If your partner cheats on you, it affects you the most. They take your money, and it affects your whole family.

If she doesn’t seem to understand the rules of relationship, she will not be thinking about anyone else but herself.

By: Justontime

Justontime — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:35:40 +0000

I think many people have cyber encounters rather than affairs. The reasons people do it are complex and varied, sometimes it is more about their own insecurities. Men can get very troubled about not being able to ‘perform’ and they look for ways to prove to themselves that they are still able to respond normally. In our case when we finally talked about his anxiety we were half way to solving the problem and helping him to feel more confident.

By: SageMother

SageMother — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 17:16:29 +0000

One of the GOOD things about cyber affairs is the lack of physical contact, which limits the possibility that an STD will be transmitted.

By: SageMother

SageMother — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 17:14:56 +0000

Liza,

There are computer programs that log keystrokes or track the urls and other activity on the machine.

Having one of these installed removes the need to argue about what the spouse has been doing online. You just show the proof.

By: SageMother

SageMother — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 17:10:48 +0000

justontime,

I think that setting ground rules really goes a long way toward maintaining your relationship.