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Many people can become addicted to online chat rooms where they can indulge in sexually explicit chat in real-time with total strangers. A climate of permissiveness pervades many of these chat rooms and instant messages sent privately between two people allow them to engage in erotic chats without the risk of being caught by their spouse. Webcams can be viewed, voice chat can be turned on instead of typing in text, and pictures and files of a sexual or personal nature can be transferred secretly by linking peer-to-peer.
The anonymity provided by chat rooms allows users to share their intimate feelings without feeling embarrassed. Initial chat conversations may be fairly innocent but when someone gets a sympathetic response from a fellow chatter this can turn into a deep emotional attachment to them. The messages often then become intensely personal and can develop into a cyber affair. This is a form of adultery and it can develop into a full-blown affair with secret phone calls and even clandestine meetings. Even if it stays on a non-physical plane it can still be devastating for a wife or husband to discover that his partner has been indulging in emotional infidelity with someone she doesn’t really know.
A wife or husband may believe that it is all harmless escapism and they are doing nothing wrong but their spouse will feel a deep sense of betrayal knowing that their spouse has been discussing intimate details with a virtual stranger.
Why do people have cyber affairs?
Studies have shown that it is a form of emotional escape into an online fantasy world to escape the problems and realities of everyday life. Anyone can assume an online persona which is totally unlike their real one. A neglected wife can have her pick of cyber partners who fall for her onscreen sexy persona and who are assuming a persona themselves as a hot lover. Usually the reality is quite different as the hot lovers may be husbands themselves who are also indulging in their own little fantasy world.
If you suspect a cyber affair then ask yourself these questions.
a) Is your partner’s main interest chat rooms? b) Does your partner stay up late on the computer while you are alone in bed? c) Do they want to be left alone while they are on the computer? d) Do they act secretive if you enter the room whilst they are on the computer? e) Do they get irritated when you question the amount of time they are spending on the computer? f) Do they spend more time on the computer than with you or the family? g) Do you feel that they are neglecting the household?
If the answer to most of these questions is yes then your partner may be having a cyber-affair.
About the Author
Anthony Bradley is a writer for Save Your Marriage which has many more articles on the subject of marriage which you can read right here.
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I don’t think that I’d be too upset if I discovered that my partner was indulging in sexy chat on the net. It’s not ‘real’. It’s the emotional attachment of an affair which I would find the most upsetting aspect of an affair, and I think that would be missing.
Green-Moo
Green-Moo, I felt the same way as you do, until, of course, I found out that one of my exes was into it bigtime. Then, that’s when I realized that even if there has been no sexual intimacy, it is still a big scale betrayal.
The emotional attachment can be very real. My wife tells me she is now in love with someone she knows only on-line. She specifically said “emotionally entangled”. This fellow is in another country, so the odds are against them meeting in person or sleeping together … at least any time soon. But she is head over heels all the same.
Hosea, I actually dropped by your blog and I gather that your wife has boyfriends on line?
I would hate to be in your shoes. You are so strong and you still try to work it out with her. Doesn’t this strike you as a “power play” method to see who comes out on top in your relationship?
Hi Imaginary Diva,
I never thought of it as a power play. I have actually been thinking more in terms of “relationship addiction.” She regularly lies to herself when she is in the process of falling in love with somebody new, and then she lies to me about it until I make it obvious that I know. Even then she will continue to lie about little details. To me it looks a lot like the behavior of an alcoholic who lies to herself and everybody else about drinking.
I think her chronic depression contributes. I think the heady rush of falling in love makes her feel less miserable for a while. And every single time she tells herself that this is going to be forever. You know, of all the boyfriends (and girlfriends) she ever said that to, the only one who is still there after 25 years is me. And while I may be boring by comparison with somebody brand-new, and she certainly resents me for hundreds of little things that have accumulated in her mind over the years, the fact remains that I am still there and the others aren’t. She doesn’t see why this makes me not believe that her *current* flame will last forever, but in my opinion that gets back to the part about lying to herself.
I would feel betrayed that he is talking to someone in cyberspace, for one you never know who that person is. Secondly I would prefer if we discussed the issue instead of airing it out for other people.
As far as I am concerned it is betrayal if it is hidden from the partner. I found out that my husband did this and I was upset, but when we had talked it through and set some ground rules I didn’t want to tell him not to do it. I just ask him to be open with me about it and not to exploit the emotions of other possibly vulnerable people.
You are right. You never know who it is.
My wife tells me that she knows all about her online boyfriend, every little thing. She tells me she absolutely knows he is 100% honest, for example. So when he started asking her for money today, it’s not because he’s some shyster running an elaborate internet scam; he’s just a sweet, sensitive soul who ran into some bad luck …!!
What do I do about him asking her for money? I can’t just take away all her credit cards and lay down an ultimatum. Can I??
I’m sorry, I know that’s not what this forum is about. But I’m really confused right now.
Hosea, I don’t know what to say, I really feel for you. Is there anyone else who could make your wife see sense? If this person is asking for money it gives me a very bad feeling. If you are responsible for the credit card bills then I think as a last resort you would be justified in taking her credit cards away.
I saw a show on TV about this woman who began a cyber-affair and then persuaded her cyber-honey to come kill her husband. I was quite amazed at this world I knew nothing about. As to the “anonymity” of such a place, my hubby says that your entire cyber-history is there in your hard drive and on the net and can be accessed by anyone who knows how; his advice, if you don’t want it known that you would go to such a place, don’t go there.
Hello mollyL,
Gosh, that’s tremendously encouraging. I know my wife and her boyfriend talked along those lines something like a month ago, but I really didn’t take it all that seriously.
(See http://hoseasblog.blogspot.com/2008/07/another-threat-on-my-life-unless-it-is.html for the full story.)
And lately it seems like things have been better between us (Wife and me, that is).
Of course, I’ve also heard about wives who suddenly decide to make ultra-nice with their husbands just before doing them in, to throw them off the scent, but I have to think that is just paranoia in this case.
Still, it’s enough to give you pause.
Liza, cyber cheating is so easy to do nowadays. Not only that, a cyber cheater can hide his tracks very well because of all these new softwares that are available.
People who cheat on their spouses have a transference problem. They are emotionally uncapable of supporting their partners, and when they are not feeling loved…. they turn to others to just about anyone who will give it to them!
I would love to learn how to trace someone’s step on the net, I think it’s a very good skill to have, it will come in handy one way or the other.
justontime,
I think that setting ground rules really goes a long way toward maintaining your relationship.
Liza,
There are computer programs that log keystrokes or track the urls and other activity on the machine.
Having one of these installed removes the need to argue about what the spouse has been doing online. You just show the proof.
One of the GOOD things about cyber affairs is the lack of physical contact, which limits the possibility that an STD will be transmitted.
I think many people have cyber encounters rather than affairs. The reasons people do it are complex and varied, sometimes it is more about their own insecurities. Men can get very troubled about not being able to ‘perform’ and they look for ways to prove to themselves that they are still able to respond normally. In our case when we finally talked about his anxiety we were half way to solving the problem and helping him to feel more confident.
justontime, I agree with you when it comes to Hosea’s problem.
There has to be boundaries. If your partner cheats on you, it affects you the most. They take your money, and it affects your whole family.
If she doesn’t seem to understand the rules of relationship, she will not be thinking about anyone else but herself.
justontime, talking about potential relationship problems really does work. I don’t know why people are so scared to talk about them and set boundaries.
Imaginary Diva,
Sure, that’s true. Sometimes. Talking about relationship problems can help a lot. But it doesn’t cure everything. My wife and I communicate very differently: I’ll say something that I mean to be encouraging and supporting, and she hears it as demeaning and insulting. It’s eerie. We’ve tried to go over this again and again, and the fact remains that if it’s something personal or intimate, we have to talk for hours and hours before we can understand each other. (It’s easy enough to say “Please pick up a quart of milk on your way home,” of course.)
And as for “setting boundaries” … what kind of boundaries do you have in mind? If one of my boundaries is that it causes me huge anxiety for her to get into a physical or emotional relationship with another man, and if that’s a deal-breaker for her … where does that leave us? It’s easy to say that it leaves us separated, but that’s not so easy to do in the real world, when we own a house and have children that we both love more than life itself ….
I guess all I’m saying is that there are never simple, obvious answers. But you knew that already.
Hosea, so what kind of “talk” do you take seriously?
I think the fact that your wife is open about her extra-marital affairs is pretty intense.
Imaginary Diva,
I’m sorry, I don’t really understand the question. I was trying to say that of course I take discussions of the relationship very, very seriously, but that they are really tough because my wife and I communicate so differently that it is easy for us to misunderstand each other.
Also, “setting boundaries” is fine in general, but it’s not a magic wand. If you say “My boundary is here” and your spouse says “I can’t accept that boundary,” where does that leave the two of you?
Did I misunderstand you?
Liza, LOL. You and me both! I think I’ve mastered the art on being a cyber stalker.