Surviving infidelity is one of the hardest things anyone has to do and the sheer thought of actually offering ‘forgiveness for committing adultery’ is in complete opposition to the hurt and the pain and the immense hatred of the cheating spouse.
It is so easy to stay angry, to get wound up in those early feelings of betrayal and to hold on to the pain but the easiest way of surviving infidelity is to move on and learning to forgive your partner is a way to heal.
In offering forgiveness for committing adultery your partner’s behaviour can no longer cause you anger, you can let go of the hurt, the pain and the feelings of betrayal and start moving on with your life.
Anger is destructive, an emotion that can eat you up and destroy your life, learning to forgive and let go is a way to help you and not an easy way out for your partner. Forgiveness enables you to let go of all those feelings, it doesn’t mean you won’t ever remember what has happened, won’t remember the pain, it isn’t about the difference between right and wrong or that you are accepting the behaviour of your partner. It’s about healing your self, learning from the experience, dealing with it and in so doing enabling you to move on.
In learning to forgive your partner for committing adultery you are not in any way indicating that your relationship can continue, you are not saying that their behaviour was acceptable and you are not saying that you are prepared to carry on the way things are. In forgiveness for committing adultery comes the ability to make the choice, decide whether you want to try and save your marriage or move on with your life without your cheating spouse.
It is often easier not to have to think about the future, about how you are going to recover from infidelity but as time goes by those feelings of hurt and betrayal will become harder to bear. It is easier to try and forget, try and not have to deal with reality but at some point you have to stop, start thinking about the situation, try and see it from your partner’s point of view, try and understand what happened, why it happened and where you go from here.
Blame is not the answer, you can’t blame your partner or yourself, you have to look beyond the blame, beyond the mixed up emotions and start taking control of your life. Try and understand that we are all human and that we all make mistakes but unfortunately some mistakes are greater than others. Not everything we do is intentional, some things just happen, not an excuse but a fact.
Look at your relationship, think about how things were in the past and decide if it’s worth fighting for. Look at the positives, remember all the things you used to do together which you enjoyed, would going back to basics, starting again enable you to save your marriage. Consider what part you had to play in the indiscretion, was there a problem with your relationship that neither of you, had tried to, or been able to fix, were things at home just not working well, was there something you could have both done that much better. Quite often infidelity is as a result of marriage problems, not always but often. Again it is no excuse for the actions of your partner, their responsibilities lay in making you aware of how bad things were and not just jumping into some one else’s bed but it might help you understand why and help you move ever closer to forgiveness ‘for committing adultery’ and start the healing process.
About the Author
For more advice on infidelity and other marriage problems please visit my websites: Save your Marriage, Common Marriage Problems
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Great article. I am in the stages of healing after my husband’s infidelity. I chose to “fight” for my marriage instead of just let it go. I put too much into this relationship for some individual with no morals or values to take away what is rightfully mine.
In counseling sessions we discovered like the article says that there were other issues that weren’t being dealt with in our marriage, which is what led to my husband’s infidelity. Like the artile states, I also don’t think that jumping into someone else’s bed is a solution or an excuse.
AMC, I am glad that you were able to work through your differences and move forward to establish a stronger relationship.
Few women are able to do that.
AMC, I am proud of you, you know it’s not going to be easy but you have made up your mind to fight it through. I wish you all the best.
AMC, I admire your determination and I hope you can find your happiness with your husband. I hope if I go through that situation, I’ll have your strength.
AMC, I have also survived my husband’s infidelity and I want to tell you that, though it is not easy, it IS possible. It just takes time. Good luck to you.
“Anger is destructive,….”
I see this statement often and agree that anger is often destructive.
Do you think its being destructive is due to our being taught that anger is wrong, or is it destructive because we aren’t taught what to do with it, without denying its presence?
I thought this was a very well presented, thought provoking and helpful article, with good advice.
This article gave me plenty to think about,and it provided some very helpful advice.
I think that article offers a very positive approach to a very difficult situation.
I think we’d probably have just a slightly easier time in dealing with this sort of thing if we knew how many others in our lives have been in similar spots, but have kept them secret. I think there would be some benefit from the shared experience.
What nonsense to say that blame is not part of the answer. It has to have a place because the cheater has to take responsibility for what he/she has done and the one cheated on has to look at the circumstances that led to it. It isn’t anger that is destructive, but how you manage the anger can be damaging to yourself.
There will always be an element of blame, it is the starting point for addressing what happened and accepting responsibility and finding a way forward.
I agree that someone who’s cheated should “own” the blame for their actions, even if there were things that may have contributed to the mistake.
I think that kind of approach would be much easier to try to deal with from the point of view of the person who’s been cheated on.
I agree Taggart, without that I don’t see how you can find a way forward, but once it has been dealt with, you have to make a new start, you cant keep coming back to it.
Taggart is right, the cheater has to own the blame/responsibility for cheating. I think it would be unhealthy not to address it.
I think Taggart is right, the cheater has to own the blame/responsibility for cheating. I think it would be unhealthy not to address it.